A Slightly Modest Proposal : A complete fucking satire

By Spencer Schyma

This week the Texas Board of Education made a huge leap forward in combating the ignorance and bigotry that permeates this nation’s liberal soaked history books. Approving measures to offset the liberal bias in history textbooks, the board approved notions to include more Christian fundamentalist values and teachings. The measures will provide students with a history book that will be much more fair and balanced as a result. Fortunately it’s not just Texas students that will have a better curriculum either, due to Texas’ domination of the school textbook industry, they spell out requirements for 80% of the nation’s text book market. The changes will affect the historical and social-scientific wisdom that students nationwide from kindergarten to 12th grade will receive for the next ten years.

In a decisive 10 to 5 vote the Board approved the following altercations in the history curriculum: No longer will Joe McCarthy wrongly be portrayed as a man who utilized a communist “witch-hunt” to gain political ground. Terminology like “capitalism” will now be free market and “imperialism” will be called expansionism. No longer will Thomas Jefferson be considered one of the intellectual thinkers that gave our country shape, teaching the rationale for separation of church & state will disappear hopefully forever. Emphasis will now be placed on the Founding Fathers having been guided by strict Christian beliefs and values. Recommendations to include a wider scope of Latino culture and history such as to include mention of Tejanos as among the fallen heroes of the Alamo have luckily been shot down. Also shot down was a recommendation to include hip hop on a list of important cultural movements, while, country music was added. A greater emphasis will also now be placed on “the conservative resurgence of the 1980s and 1990s”; the NRA and Phyllis Schlafly will finally get their rightful places in our students history books.

All of the above recommendations are definitely a step in the right direction. The liberals have slowly contaminated our history books with their shady agendas for years now. In an interview with ABC, board chairman Don McLeroy said it best: “Somebody has got to stand up the experts.“ (By experts I’m sure he means radical liberal nuts.) Board member Terri Leo declared the changes “world class” and “exceptional” and I’m sure any logical and objective person would agree but I have some proposals that I believe would further those changes, make them even more exceptional and world class:

1. Start the American History book with Christopher Columbus. We used to start with him, why not now? No one wants to hear about Indians supposedly walking across ice, populating our beautiful land.

2. Omit lessons on the slave trade. All of those unnecessary descriptions of slave boats and “atrocious” conditions portray the colonists in an unfavorable and unfair light. They were just responding to economic conditions of the times.

3. Remove any mention of Karl Marx. His works are products of the most evil kind. Exposing students to such evil philosophies could be a detriment to all of our futures.
4. Skip Charles Darwin. This one’s self explanatory.

5. Include a Biblical section. This country was built on Christian values and beliefs and we would be committing an injustice to our founding fathers to not make our students examine God’s word in the classroom.

6. De-emphasize civil rights leaders. Chairman McLeroy says it best: “The women’s right to vote, the women didn’t vote on it, the men did, the men passed it for the women, eventually the civil rights act … in other words the minorities were not able to do it by themselves,”

7. Increase emphasis on diseases killing the Indians. We already do this well but it wouldn’t hurt to increase that emphasis. The liberals portray it like our country was founded on mass genocide or something.

8. Portray Manifest Destiny in a better light.  The liberals have obscured everyone’s opinion on this. It really was our destiny to spread Christianity from the Atlantic to the Pacific. It had nothing to do with greed or bigotry like they claim.

9. Change all mentions of “Native Americans” to Indians. Calling them native makes it seem like we stole something from them but it was really God’s will that they all died from those diseases and their tyrannous hold over this land ceased. WE are the native Americans.
By Spencer Schyma

Given the conservative cast of the board, the changes it has proposed will most likely stand when the last vote is taken in May. I can only pray they include some of my proposals. Liberals will see these proposals and act like I’m urging everyone to start eating babies or something but I’m just wanting to spread the truth like McLeroy says, to reflect “what has actually happened in the country.” Hopefully liberal nut job board members won’t get in the way like Mary Helen Berlanga who accused the board of trying to “rewrite history, not only (for) Texas but of the United States and the world,” and of trying to “pretend this is a white America.” These crazy deluded liberals need to give it a rest already.

by Editor

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