Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

FEATURING BADVICE’S DAD, DADVICE.

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. We know we sound like assholes. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.

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am I always going to be awkward around my hot cousin and is it that obvious?

BADVICE: Not if you start fucking your first brother. First cousins at this point is tame. Let’s start talking about first sister, first father, first mother. First cousin was so Jerry Lee Lewis. It’s 2024. Step up your game if you’re really going to go down that route.

So what’s the problem with polygamy? It sounds badass!…And would you be one of my wives?

DADVICE: As a dad, polygamy is cool, but I just question the value of spending your life folding paper time after time

BADVICE: Wait, folding paper?

DADVICE: Polygamy fucking origami: what’s the difference?

is it wrong to have a file folder dedicated to nudes of all your exes and to jerk it to those photos every now and again? At what point should I delete it? Should I print the photos out and make an amateur art show out of it?

BADVICE: Never delete them. Jack off to them as long as they make you cum. Because when you are old and people start calling you “sir”, you’ll look at them and those pictures will be the only proof of the life you used to live. Put it on 500 hard drives, and back up the back up’s back up. But don’t show them. If you show them to anyone, they just turn into titties to you and that person. Not the height of when someone was so turned on by you that they sent you a photo of them holding open their pussy lips.

What would you do if you were trying to have sympathy sex with a nerdy guy and he couldn’t get a boner?

DADVICE: I thought sympathy sex was masturbating in front of someone because they couldn’t get it on?

What is a good time of the year to move to LA? All my friends are out there eating limp biscuits and I want to join them!

DADVICE: See answer above: move to LA anytime if you want sympathy sex because of the limp biscuit (although that is a rather strange thing to call a broken penis) That’s the dog’s bullocks for sure!

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

BADVICE: What’s funny about this question is actually googling “Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?” and finding all the people who responded seriously. Are people that dull that they didn’t pick up a joke, or are people so dumb they actually think there are animals in animal crackers? Either way, I’m sure there is someone bitching about it somewhere.

I’m a Montrose kid, in my mid 20s, have a good job, live by myself, do cool shit/have cool hobbies, but I’m still a virgin and I’ve never dated a girl. Should I go to Nevada where sex work is legal and just blow money on drinks, buffets, and sex, or should I continue pushing my luck at Grand Prize and Poison Girl at this point?

DADVICE: As a father, I feel a parental obligation to accompany you.

BADVICE: Accompany them where?

DADVICE: Nevada.

Where the fuck is Carmen Sandiego?!

BADVICE: In your mother’s fat, hairy, stinky pussy.

How do you stay confident? for me it can get saddening to be simply decent looking when there are so many fucking gorgeous girls out there! i know, should not give a shit but I sometimes do and am just wondering how you stay confident amongst the freakishly genetically blessed

ps: you are a badass & i can sense you own who are (hence why I’m asking you this question) 

DADVICE: All Dads (and men in general) are genetically blessed, they are not fucking women. They don’t give a shit.

BADVICE: My father raised me, so I guess you could say I just don’t give a shit, and that’s what keeps me confident. Also, fuck you. My button nose is adorable.

The only existing photo of BadVice and DadVice

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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.

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Itsmy wiwife’s birthday and we really would like to
Have a threesome but we are not from Houston andshe can be shy at times and its mMonday any idea thanks

From the way this question is posed, I’m going to say that Craigslist is a good start for you. Your question is basically word for word from any Craigslist ad found in any city.

Dear BADVICE,
I was wondering. I’ve lived on this earth for over three decades, and I realized I’m not sure if I’m washing my balls correctly. I mean, I wash them, and they seem clean enough, but I don’t recall ever receiving any instructions and I do figure it’s important to know how do do these sorts of things. Follow-up question: how should I wash my vagina? My friends tell me I don’t know what words mean.

Guess you and your daddy played that game of Hide & Seek and you never found him because that sounds like some shit maybe your dad should have taught you.

If your balls stink, dust them down with some baby powder. That’s what white girls do when their hair is gross and greasy, so I bet it will work on your balls.

What would be a cool job for a mom (I’m young ish) that doesn’t involve having to wake up at 530 AM every morning? Something that would allow me to sleep until about 8 (that’s late for us parent folk) and wear whatever I wanted, like shorts and leggings and comfy t-shirts. Being a stay at home mom would drive me nuts. I need more in my life than constantly waiting on and catering to a little person who wants everything I didn’t just give her. So that takes out restaurants and customer service in general. Is there a work from home job that
exists that doesn’t require me to start from the ground up? No, I don’t want to sell scentsy or whatever else people sell, Mary Kay, sex toys or Tupperware. I hate this 9-5 life. It doesn’t even start at nine. THEY LIED!!

Oh but I need to make decent money. You know, cause I have a kid and bills and a house and a car, cell phone, a stomach that requires me to eat, etc. I also want to get my hair did every now and again and that also requires money. Is there a money tree? Can I invent that? Would it even be real money if I invented that? Ok, ok, I’m drifting off course… see above (and beyond the tree) for the question, not this stupid money tree that will never be a thing because we live in the real world and not imaginary land where I am a single 20 something
who’s biggest responsibility is brushing my teeth. I miss those days. Hahha

Probably should have thought a little harder about what you wanted in your life before letting a guy creampie you.

I think I can sort of control my sinus pressure with my thoughts. Like middle of forehead down to ear specially on right side. U think I’m full of shit? Not like tesla electricity from air but sort of, actually no just like that. I AM tesla. Sober in case u gon say I’m high. Marini.

Congratulations. You have an absolutely useless talent that won’t contribute at all to society in the slightest. How about you use the brainpower that you controls your sinus pressure with your thoughts and apply it to something worthwhile.

I am pretty sure I found a homemade sex tape staring one of my friends on the internet… I’m about 85% sure its her. How do I alert her to this? We are not super good friends and it would be a weird thing to bring up, I think. I saw the face in the thumbnail and was like holy shit . . . I think thats “girls name”. Turns out its posted as an incest fantasy porn. . . so. . .what do I do?

I’m 85% sure they would remember doing incest porn and 100% sure they don’t want a reminder.

Yo, so my ex, of 5 years, broke up with me to fuck other guy around the world. she recently came back and told me she still had feeling for me and wanted to make it work. My question is what is the best way to show that I’m a petty asshole and embarrass her?

If you want to embarrass a girl, embarrass her publicly. So, get back together with her, take her out to meet up with all your mutual friends and casually bring up in conversation that her pussy stinks.

“It has been so hot lately. I can’t get over this weather.”

“Yeah, you know when you walk past a dumpster on a hot day and it just fucking stinks? Imagine what it’s like walking around with Girlfriend and her pussy on a hot day.”

But wouldn’t you rather get revenge? Because the best way to get revenge is to get over her and to be totally cool about it and it’s super beneficial for you too.

I am not gay but I have a gay friend who will not stop flirting with me. When he gets drunk, he tries to get me to do gay stuff. What do I do to make him stop hitting on me?

My advice to you is to just suck his dick once. Just don’t suck his dick too well – use a little teeth. Most people “want what they can’t have” and if you handle the biz one time, he will likely be over it.

My bad if that doesn’t work.

ok, so i’m objectively afraid of rejection. my life has been almost completely paralyzed into a state of inaction based upon my fear that others will see what i’m doing and entirely disassociate themselves from me and reject me as a human being. because ayahuasca seems to be out of the question in my foreseeable future, what should i do?

You should join the fucking club. Almost everyone is in it. Once you’ve realized everyone is in the club, maybe you won’t be such a pussy and do whatever it is you want to do without the fear of what others will think of you.

I’ve been sitting in the bathroom at work for 10 min now. There are lots of people waiting for me. I should quit this place because I obviously don’t like it here, right?

Yeah. Or see a doctor because there might be something seriously wrong with you. Not trying to freak you out, but WebMD says it’s probably cancer.

Why do i feel that im exploiting the indians anytime i drink a Topo Chico?

I have no idea because that shit is made in Mexico.

So what are the rules with watching porn on an airplane. They have wifi now and I think it’d be fun. I mean I’m not going to just whip out my cock or anything and I definitely dont want my carnal videos in the view of any innocent adolescents. So is it okay? Should I ask my neighbors first? I think my neighbor is reading this as I’m on the airplane right now. Please help, I need answers.

I mean, the general rule with porn is “don’t watch it in public”. But if you’re going to just set that aside, try watching one with a story line and just act casual, like you didn’t know. Or watch Hentai because no one is going to look over your shoulder at that shit (unless you’re on a plane to Japan) and everyone will just think you’re a total dork.

But really, what’s the point of watching porn if you’re not going to rub your dick about it?

To the girl sitting next to me on this airplane who has been reading what im writing, would you like to grab my cock and just stroke it ever so softly until we get to our destination? iThe lights are dim and i dont think anyone would notice…

Did she touch it?

So with all this #blacklivesmatter and #alllivesmatter hokie pokie going on, when will people finally realize that #nolivesmatter and drown themselves in a tub of regurgitated beef jerky? #enditall #youwereneverworthit #justsuckonthatcoldsteel

#TooSoon #EducateYourself #YouSoundLikeAnIdiot #AshamedYouReadMyColumn

So at what point do you just go, FUCK IT, I’ve made enough money, time to check myself into rehab…

Robert Downey Jr – $220 Million

Charlie Sheen – $125 Million

Ke$ha – $40 Million

Zac Efron – $18 Million

Selena Gomez – $16 Million

Lindsay Lohan – $500,000

Gary Busey – Bankrupt

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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.

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Why does my boyfriend always want to be on the bottom when we 69?

Is this question even real? You’re talking about a Devil’s Six-six-sixty-nine. It’s not like he just used a loofa; you just came from a bar. You literally have the smelliest part of his sweaty body smacking you in the face… IN THE EYES. Take this moment to think about the logistics of this move and then think about the question you just asked.

I was dating this girl for a couple months. I thought we got along well and asked her to officially be my girlfriend. Everything seemed fine, and then one day she just called it off. Nothing happened. I wasn’t “in love” but I really liked her and wanted it to work out. Anyway, I guess what I’m asking is how do I forget about my ex-girlfriend?

Watch ANY movie.

I’m looking to spice things up with my girlfriend. Any good rough sex tips?

Cut up a fuck ton of habaneros and fingerbang your girlfriend. Literally spicy and fuuuuuuucking rough.

I know this is probably the wrong place to ask this, but why do all the gifs on my computer not have sound? It’s so frustrating!

Because those are called videos.

i love your article. So everytime I get blackout drunk I fall asleep either in bushes or under stairs, i think recently i might have fallen asleep and been invaded my fleas. i have soo much lice already i was wondering if my fleas will attack my lice, the lice have been with me longer so i feel like they should have a home more, the lice and crabs never fight so they are good… have you ever had both fleas and lice? I dont want to start shit because im in the middle. one more question!! do you fuck with Bitcoin? can I take you out on a bitcoin date? ill Bit… i will delouse..

You should consider not getting black out drunk anymore and looking into doing something productive with your life because being imaginative and funny is not working out for you.

Also, you’re fucking infested with bugs. Take a fucking shower. You’re disgusting.

Hi, im still inlove with my ex, we still hook up almost daily but he dumped me a few weeks ago. im sure you know all this. i dont really have a question, i think im just pathetic.

The fact that you think you’re pathetic yet still won’t do anything about it should make you not think, but KNOW that you’re pathetic. So hey, from me to you, you are pathetic. Stop fucking your ex. You guys broke up for a reason. Feel bad about yourself every time you do the walk of shame from his apartment. Stop using your vagina as bait for your relationship trap. It’s not gonna work. You need treat your vagina with the upmost respect. Get a wax, air it out, tickle your clit a little, and then (as always) find some strange and you’ll stop that bullshit real quick.

I can’t get this guy to go away. I even texted another guy while he was eating me out and he still wants to be with me. How do I just get him to go the fuck away?

Compare his penis size to small things. He’ll quickly not want anything to do with you again. It’s that easy, girl.

I recently fell in love with a man, who I have realized, has an “intoxication” problem. I use “intoxication” not because I am a qualified medical expert, but because when you nod off, droll on yourself in public and spend your next morning apologizing, I think one has a problem with their levels of intoxication. Anyway, it’s embarrassing, plus gives me such intense levels of anxiety, that recently I called it quits on the whole thing. Even though I think he’s the shit, even though (almost) everything else is totally rad between us. Question(s): do addicts recover? Can I trust that he’ll ever get his shit together and keep loving him? Should we just be friends and find love/ partnership elsewhere?

I noticed that you left out an option. You could just start up your own “intoxication” problem. Get fucked up, pass out when you’re with him and make him responsible for you drooling on yourself in public. If he sticks it out with you and makes it work, it’s because he actually loves you. Unlike you saying you love him but leaving him because of drugs.

Did Courtney Love leave Kurt Cobain? No. Look at how well that worked out.

I’m thinking about switching over to wax permanently rather than smoking weed. Thoughts?

Well, good luck doing that and being a person too.

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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.

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Did I ever send that question?  I feel like I did but I don’t know.  You haven’t posted a new set of answers to said questions.  Is this going biweekly?  Was it already biweekly?  Anyways, what do you think about dead beat MOMS. I know, I know.  Dead beat dad’s but what about the dead beat MOMS.  CAN we please talk about this? PLEASE!? No one does and maybe because it’s less common, whatever the case, dead beat moms: those bitches suck. Also, did I break the rules here? I’ve asked 2, well now 3 questions In the same post. You know, a few weeks back I rapid fire asked you questions, all separately.  You answered them all and it was epic. I’m rambling and I’m sorry.

I always hear, “I just want a babbbbyyyy .” You’re not making a baby. You’re making a person. “I want to make a badass person”; I don’t hear that a lot. If you want cute, go to the store and buy a Tamagotchi and start there. Deadbeat moms are the kind of people who get a rabbits on Easter and then when Easter is over, they get bored and don’t take care of it until the rabbit dies.

Is it necessary/culturally required to have a ring in order to propose to someone? I was thinking of asking her Johnny Cash in Walk the Line style, that way if she says no I won’t have to worry about what I’m gonna do with this expensive ring, paving the way for me to ask again, and again if necessary.

If you bet that she’s going to say no, you shouldn’t do it anyway. It’s not like Zales doesn’t have a return policy because I’m sure that they have to deal with a bunch of losers like you.

Work your way up to an engagement ring. Penis ring. Belly button ring. Nose ring. Onion ring. Start off with the onion ring.

And don’t live your life like Johnny Cash, because, HELLO, he’s dead. So is his wife. Do you want your maybe wife to die?

So I live with my sons mother, we are seperated. I just got a new girlfriend and it really bothers her when my gf spends the night. I can’t just kick my bm out cause she is is unemployed, I’m kind of fucked. They are really good friends but she just feels like it’s disrespectful, how do you feel? I don’t want to screw up either relationship. They are both really pretty and I talked to them both about just all three of us being together, gf didn’t dig the idea

How shallow are you? They’re both pretty? You’re an idiot. Do you have a big ring around your mouth of silver from huffing spray paint? You sound like the common denominator in all of these problems. Do you remember that term? Probably not because you’ve huffed so much spray paint you thought dating your baby mama’s friend was a good idea. Your girlfriend must also have a silver ring around her mouth, or she’s just a piece of shit friend.

My friend just recently separated from his wife. He is still married but she has thrown him through the ringer. He says his grandmother would either die or kill him if he gets a divorce. How long should he wait for her to come to her senses before starts looking around for someone who will treat him better?

This is like someone trying to get me to like a show I don’t want to watch. How about none of your business? Maybe “try a little harder” because all I can think about is how nosey of a goddamn friend you are. No wonder you friend got separated. He obviously can’t handle his own business because he got his ding dong friend involved. Most women don’t like wet blankets for husbands.

My friend and his boy friend, for 11 months, just split up. He says it’s because they fight all the time, but they are so cute together and are always doing real cool stuff. His ex is already texting him how much he misses him and it’s only been a day. Is this a hot mess or do you think they can make it?

I hate you. I wish someone threw a bunch of lye on you and didn’t tell you what it you need to neutralize it. “Dear Google, do you know if DVR is going to save everything when the world ends?” What kind of fucking question is that? Who cares if they are cute. Let them not be together. Maybe one of them beats the other in the privacy of there home so you can’t see how “cute” they are.

Also, please refer to the previous question for an answer that relates to you too.

Are you seeing anyone right now, or are your eyes closed?

Is that a pick up line or are you a racist? My southeast Asian heritage does not come with slits for eyes.

When do you want me to start?  “It’s a very conscious decision. Sometimes it’s a pain because my heels are so high and it would be nice to have [Ben’s] arm. And he’s such a great date! But it can be too much. I think especially for women, they can really lose their identity and just become the ‘wife of.'”

Oof. It’s like two Siri’s are trying to outsmart one another in one text reply while you’re drunk. Did I just get drunk questioned? Whatever you do, don’t get behind the wheel.

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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.

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Your thoughts on Internet dating sites?? Give it a go, or waste of time? I’ve always been pretty anti-Internet dating, but lately I’ve been thinking that maybe I’m being too close-minded (except for Tinder, I can’t bring myself to be that materialistic). I’m pretty social and outgoing, but I’m also not good at asking dudes out nor am I coming across awesome guys I can throw game at. Advice?

Internet dating is a lazy way of meeting new people but we do everything else on the internet so why not find someone to fuck on the reg that way?  Worst case scenario you have a lot of bad sex and acquire a new stalker and stalking is the new chivalry. Just remember – if you’re going to tap it, wrap it. STDS ARE FOREVER.

Is there ever a point of keeping it too “Htine”?

No. But keeping “Htine” doesn’t mean being a fucking idiot who promotes drinking drank, wears purple and cheers when the Rockets score. Keeping it “Htine” means hustling and coming through. If you’re going to rep Clutch City, you better be someone who is worth repping it.

Why does this column still exist?

Because I still have a login to the website and can post shit whenever I want. HEYO.

I woke up from a dream this morning and I think I might be a pedophile. In my dream, I was 15 years old and my family had moved into a duplex next to another family that had a 13-year-old daughter. She showed me a removable panel that we shared between our bedroom closets. She was very precocious and we did things. Am I normal?

One time in a dream I battled the oldest daughter of an alien race to save humanity. I won. Does that make me a savior? The difference between my dream and yours is you shouldn’t talk about it.

I have a boss with no attention span. He’s constantly on his phone, or talking over you when you have something really important to express (especially when it would benefit him).  A lot of times, his personal life bleeds over into the work setting. This causes him to take out these stresses on our team. I understand he’s got a lot on his plate, but it’s so disheartening that the very people who toil over his grand design end up with the chaos of his misplaced disapproval.  What would you do in this situation?

If your boss is getting shit done aka hustling, I would quit bitching, grow some thick skin, and not take it personally, or find a new job.

how do I get my booty call to be my bf?

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him date you. Short of doctoring a pregnancy test, I got nothing.

I want to date a guy, but I want him to be an intersectional feminist who understands white privilege and strong dislikes the patriarchy like myself. Where can I find him?

I don’t know where you can find him, but I suggest sticking a dildo on a mirror and fucking it because that’s probably the closest you’ll get to fucking someone like yourself.

If there is a god it’s totally a woman right?

If god was a woman, everyone would be passive aggressive and say they’re “fine” all the time when they’re not.

This guy I’ve been fucking and sucking for a year now is a little bitch…he got mad because I was didn’t tell him I was about to start my period before I jumped on his cock? I mean can’t a girl get hers?

A girl can get hers and still respect the cock. Letting a guy stick his dick in you without telling him you’re menstruating is like a guy blowing his load in your face with out asking first, or at least hinting it’s about to happen. So, if you don’t get mad at him when he does that, I guess he shouldn’t be getting mad at your for bleeding all over his penis.

What are some good games to play at party?   Games for small or large parties?

For large parties, if you have an air mattress, you can play “orgy”. Only an air mattress though so you don’t have to look at it afterwards and remember your filth, and you don’t have to flip it when it’s soaked in cum.

Best type of red wine? And what do you pair with it?

Franzia paired with Devin Finch.

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Good news: the talented and respected Lauren Oakes will pick up the heartbeat at Houston’s most fabled music venue, Fitzgerald’s.

After the current operators of Fitzgerald’s announced they will be building a new large, concert venue off of North Main, the lingering question throughout the Houston music community has been, “so what happens now with Fitzgerald’s?” The beloved Houston landmark is undoubtedly the oldest standing and most venerated music hall in the city and has hosted everyone from James Brown, REM, Stevie Wonder, Bill Hicks, and more. Built in 1918 and owned by Sara Fitzgerald’s since the early 70’s, the Houston icon has seen various and sundry operators come in and out of the venue including yours truly before handing the reins to partners Jagi Katial and Johnny So.

Now, former Fitz Head Sound Engineer, Lauren Oakes, is slated to take over when the current operators lease ends this coming September along with partner Dacondo Casey. Oakes has run sound at just about every venue in Houston including Fitz, House of Blues, Warehouse Live, Mucky Duck, as well as managed stages at FPSF. When asked, Oakes said ambitiously that they plan to have doors open by October 1st after extensive renovations and sound and lights installations of which she will be personally designing. Focus will also be put on continuing to make Fitz a place people want to hang at after a show as opposed to many of the big box venues where people leave the moment the show is over. No word as to whether who will book the venue, manage production, or clean it’s hallowed toilets, but one thing is for sure people will continue to urinate and create feces at Fitzgerald’s.

On a personal note, I think this is super fucking dope news for the Houston music community. It is great to see another hard-nosed female fulfill the time-honored tradition of women-run music venues in Houston. Think about it. Leila from Rudyard’s, Dawn from Last Concert Cafe, Pam from Walter’s (R.I.P), Marianna from Avant Garden: all bad bitches nots to be fucked wit. That said, our city very well may see a glut of music venues with White Oak Music Hall, the ‘new, new’ Fitz, rumblings about the former Axiom becoming a venue again, a proposed venue for mid-town, as well as a Cynthia Woods type venue being built off 59 near Sugarland (this actually sounds way better than driving to the fucking Woodlands though nothing about Sugarland sounds cool, ever.) Stay tuned, more news to come.

Forget sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Disclaimer: You don’t have to facking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an butthole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.

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So I’m what your consider a black hipster. There aren’t many of us in Houston but we are around. Usually hang out in EADO,Montrose,Heights at local establishment like bars, etc. Usually most people are friendly to me but there is a handle full of hipster chicks that always look at me. Are they looking cause there surprised to see me at places they like or do hipster chicks just dig black dudes?

“Hipster” is just another way to designate someone as pretentious, just like bro or douchebag.  Meeting girls out at bars sucks and worrying about what others think is also that. Be as black as that joy division shirt you’re wearing as you read this.

What soda will make me look the coolest?

Diet Coke.

Your thoughts on Internet dating sites?? Give it a go, or waste of time? I’ve always been pretty anti-Internet dating, but lately I’ve been thinking that maybe I’m being too close-minded (except for Tinder, I can’t bring myself to be that materialistic). I’m pretty social and outgoing, but I’m also not good at asking dudes out nor am I coming across awesome guys I can throw game at. Advice?

This reminds me a lot of when people say “I lose things all the time.” It’s not that you’re terrible at asking people out, it’s that you’re terrified of rejection, like everyone else.

Also, are you talking about not good at asking out dudes, or not finding good enough dudes to ask out because those are two, very separate questions.  Because if it’s the latter, maybe it’s because you hang out at Grand Prize all the time.

I was unfriended by this dude I’ve know since high school and I think it’s because I had a baby. He posted years ago when I first had a kid, how annoying it is to see all the pictures people post of their kids on fb and the stories they tell about their kids. Anyways, should I find it incredibly rude ? I kind of don’t and think it’s actually funny. I mean, how annoying can it be to see a picture of a child? I don’t constantly post stories about my child’s day to day life but I also don’t constantly post pictures of my dinner, #mcm, politics, job stress, selfies or etc and I find all of those things pretty obnoxious.  I especially hate when people talk about being prolife. I’m prochoice. I have a kid and I think it’s TOTALLY OK for someone to abort their baby if they want to! This took a drastic turn, I don’t even know what I was trying to ask. In all honesty,  I just want you to continue on with this column so I’m posting things. Because some things are better than no things. You’re welcome.

He probably unfriended you because your kid isn’t as cute as you think your kid is. As annoying as food pictures might be, people aren’t posting ‘grams of their gross ass meals. It’s usually something that looks delicious. And if someone is posting gross ass pictures of food, you’d probably unfollow them, right? Because you don’t want to see that all up in your feed? So maybe take a clue.

And way to go being pro-choice! Check out https://www.lilithfund.org/!

Level with me, picking your nose is totally fulfilling. Especially when they’re hard and not gooey. Am I right?

Totally satisfying. If done in the bathroom. With the door closed. And a tissue. That you throw away. Don’t do that and expect anyone to share the same satisfaction as you as they’re not picking it out of their own nose.

I suffer from mouth diarrhea. How can I make sure to shut the fuck up?

When you have ass diarrhea, you take Imodium through your mouth. Consider breaking down the Imodium with water, sucking the substance into a syringe, and shoving it up your ass because you’re the worst kind of people. Shut the fuck up already. We’re all bored.

I can’t remember if I asked my question because YOU HAVEN’T POSTED A NEW BADVICE IN FOREVERRRRRR.

As much as I would love BadVice to be a full time gig, I realized I can’t be drunk all the time.

Why do you think you have to pander for questions?

Probably because I don’t actually give “badvice” and I’m a drunk, elitist bitch.

Do you think you would get more questions if you actually gave “badvice”? Instead of being a drunk, elitist bitch all the time?

Oh shit! I was just saying that. Omg, we’re like totally on the same page! BFF, amirite?

BADVICE: LIBYAN TERRORISTS HAVE PLUTONIUM – V. 30

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CLICK HERE TO SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION TO BADVICE

Dear all you lovely readers,
Please submit more questions. Do we need to make it easier to submit? Do you have any feedback about it? If so, let me know by shooting an email to marini@freepresshouston.com.
Love always,
Marini

Soooo… I ditched a party to have a coke-fueled orgy on 4/20 and now three different people won’t stop texting me trying to hit it again. Did I fuck up or was this the best decision of my life??

I mean, I think you made a good decision. Not necessarily the best decision of your life (maybe so far) but hopefully not the best one ever. You’re gonna be able to look back in time and say you did something pretty “kinky” (since I’m too stoned to think of another word) and I think it’s good to get that shit out of your system.

As for the people hollering at you, just block their numbers. It’s 2024. You can easily do that shit now.

So, serious question. I wore a Saari to prom and I got hella bashed on Twitter after posting pictures of it. Was that fucked up of me, a person who is NOT apart of Desi culture, to wear their traditional dress?

If you’re in high school, the people on Twitters problems, as well as your own problems, aren’t real problems.

I got a great job offer in oklahoma. My wife refuses to go. We have 2 kids and I don’t want to leave them. I guess I’m not taking that job unless I can convince my wife that we should move for this. Got any hail mary plays for this situation? That is, how am I gonna convince her to move?

Do you like tornados? Plains? “OOOOk-lahoma, where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain.” Oklahoma, where the WIND comes sweepin’ down the PLAIN. Because that’s all there is in Oklahoma obviously. Just read the lyrics to that song.

Anyway, unless you can make lots of money, why the fuck would you want to live in Oklahoma? And how much money do you really need to have? You don’t have to have champagne and spaghetti every night for dinner, sir. You can pop some Vietnasandwiches in your fams face for less than $10.

So Ive been dating this dude for almost a year now and he obviously doesnt feel as strongly about me as I do about him. Plus I have a few pretty good guys that pretty much love the shit out of me and worship the ground I walk on. What my question is, am I like some fuckin idiot for staying with a dude that I love that doesnt love me back? Should I stick it out and hope for the best? or peace out and move on to new ventures? Honestly, Im fucking confused.

Why do you say that? Because they don’t do the same shit you do? OR maybe because they don’t do the same shit you do you now have equated it the same? How about fuck you? How about people love in different ways and maybe it’s not all about what you fucking want. Maybe it’s about learning to appreciate love in different people instead of the little way that you think it should, you fucking princess. Unless the person was like, “You know what, I don’t love you as much as you love me. Thought you should know. Have a great Monday morning.” As long as that didn’t happen, this is conjecture. And if that’s the kind of world you live in, you probably suck anyway. Good! I hope that guy doesn’t love you as much because you sound like you suck.

I tend to buy drinks for friends when I’m out at my favorite bar because I hate to drink alone. Unfortunately, my bar tab has gotten kind of out of hand and now I owe about $24K. Should I start a fundraiser to help pay it off or should I own that shit and realize I drink too much?

Here’s what you do: Get another credit card and get parts to build a time machine. Then go back into time. It’s as easy to fix this problem, as it is to make this problem. Just tell them you were drunk. This is the most logical move you can make.

I hear that the Libyan terrorists have plutonium and are willing to sell it. Meet them in the mall parking lot.

can i submit anonymously

Yes. Is that not clear enough? For easy peasy question asking, follow this link: http://bit.ly/1EisdqP

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