FPH: Have you been fascinated with time travel and its potential for a long time? What are the origins of this project?

Sandy Ewen: I think about time travel a lot. Mostly I’d like to go to the future, but faster than the usual speed. I also think about, if I ended up a few hundred or more years in the past, if I’d be able to teach people science or anything. I imagine there’d be language barriers and they might think I was a witch. I imagine I’d have my cell phone with me, so I think about how long the battery would last and if any of the apps would work.

I created this project in response to the Idea Fund. I had had some more practical ideas, but the Idea Fund projects tend to be a bit unusual. So I treated the whole grant writing process like creative writing, to make the most outside the box concept I could imagine. And I ended up getting awarded a grant.

FPH: Why is the future time machine being referred to as an “art project’ and not a “science explosion of genius”?

Sandy Ewen: I haven’t actually done anything scientific. This project is inspired by text-based conceptual artworks. It has a lot more to do with Fluxus, John Cage, Pauline Oliveros & Sol LeWitt than it does with science.

FPH: Can you explain a little more about the money management side of this project? For instance, who is the attorney administering/protecting/entrusted with this fund? 

Sandy Ewen: I started off talking to a lawyer, who explained that this sort of thing is a lot more complicated than I had thought, and that there are investment fees and all sorts of stupid things. The law is set up so that people from the past cannot boss around people in the future. There was talk of shell corporations, but those are complicated and not free, and there’s nothing to keep the future board of directors from changing the corporate charter. Recently, I talked to Andrew Warner from the Long Now Foundation. Long Now is hoping to be a cultural institution for the next 10,000 years. Anyway, Andrew explained to me that the only groups that invest for periods of time like this are royalty, universities, and some governments. Typically you need 5+ million dollars to have access to long term managed investing. Andrew said there are basically three ways to make my project work. (1) I could partner with a University that already has an endowment in a long term fund. (2) I could get an index fund or treasury bond, but this would be problematic because there’s a lack of memory associated with that. (3) I could utilize Long Bets. I’ve decided to use Long Bets. Long Bets allows people to place bets on things that won’t be determined for a long time. They invest their money with a special-purpose Endowment portfolio and plan to exist well into the future. I will bet against myself, so that in 500 years the money will be released to a non-profit of my choosing. I am creating a text-based artwork that explains the project. I will print it nicely and frame it & I will give to the non-profit . If the non-profit decides to shut down for whatever reason, they can donate my artwork to another institution. The ownership of that artwork will dictate where the funds will be directed in 500 years. Owning the artwork is an agreement to spend the investment money as the artwork dictates – to make a time machine and come to my party. This, I think, is by far the best way to invest the money without getting killed by fees, and to make sure the money is tracked through time, and to make sure the money is delivered to the institution that holds the artwork. It also makes owning the artwork easy and not an accounting nightmare.

FPH: For those out there that have little to no imagination at all, how do you explain the merits or virtue of this project?

Sandy Ewen: This project is about optimism & following through with the craziest idea you can think of. Something strange is bound to happen. I like that I’ve set up an interesting chain of events, however they unfold. And I might be getting a time machine.

FPH: With respect to being optimistic about the future, what specifically do you hope this project changes or shifts about people’s vision of the future?

Sandy Ewen: People should start thinking more long-term about everything. There’s a lot of talk about ecological sustainability, but we need to talk about the sustainability of constant GDP growth and the whole financial system. This project highlights the fact that currency and money are abstractions. I am trying to bring this fact to its illogical conclusion. This project is only as insane as the system that makes it seem plausible. I don’t claim to have any answers, but I might end up with a time machine.

FPH: So it’s very possible that a time traveler, or several, could attend the Future Time Machine event on November 21, 2024 at El Rincon Social, correct?

Sandy Ewen: Not only possible, I’d say it’s highly probable.

The Idea Fund is a re-granting program administered by DiverseWorks, Aurora Picture Show, and Project Row Houses and funded by The Andy Warhol Foundation for the Visual Arts.

Gentlemen, it was an absolute pleasure working with you these past few months. Never have I had such worthy and competent acolytes willing to secure my place in Houston, a market I struggle to maintain. Your efforts and our victory on Tuesday will never be forgotten, I assure you. The names Jared Woodfill, Dr. Steve Hotze and those of our brethren will forever be etched in my beautiful Book of Light.

When Houston’s Equal Rights Ordinance first crossed my desk, I will admit- there was a moment of panic; for inequality has long been my favorite tool to develop hate and disunity. All of a sudden my trusted toxin was under threat of extinction. And while I, myself, have no need for discrimination since my ultimate target is all of humanity outright, it is imperative that your kind continue to be obsessed with it.

Together, the two of you rekindled an art form that lay somewhat dormant in Houston for years- flagrant manipulation. Not since the Energy Twins, Kenny Lay & Jeffy Skilling, have I witnessed its power in that particular region of my realm. You literally produced something out of nothing. An ordinance with offerings of equality, fairness, progressivism and other nonsense that lifts up the disenfranchised, hurt and persecuted made no mention of… bathrooms. However, you made the fearful believe that’s all it was about; and in doing so you cemented the horrifying struggles of those commonly discriminated against. I applaud you.

Gathering the voices and funding of former local sports heroes and perhaps the worst franchise owner in NFL history to speak on our dark behalf was a smooth maneuver that even I would not have thought to do. The citizens of Houston are known for their habitual worship of false gods and seem to follow their every command.

Preying on the ancient fears of the elderly and providing them once again with a reason for living served us well indeed. Their vote counts and they have nothing else to do but see to it that they leave behind the same unjust world they enjoyed for a lifetime. And though an average voting age of 65 is beautiful, we simply cannot rely on their foolishness forever.

Instead, it is the ones you call “Millennials” and “TwentyorThirtysomethings” with their idiotphones and profound laziness that is the future of our stronghold. They were the real heroes on Tuesday. With no concept of civic duty, they wasted away an entire afternoon of potential change for the better by posting on social media articles of virtue that by no means cast a vote. They talked a big game but their influence amounted to nothing. A prideless and shameful lot, all of them.

Moving forward, I need you to understand that our victory is not permanent. You’ve done nothing more but buy me some additional time to torment those that are not like you and further poison the hearts and minds of those that are. Our goal here in Houston, gentlemen, is to prevent this city from rising out of its sewage of narrow-mindness, to never allow it to reach anything beyond a backwater bayou of energy companies and megachurches. Houston is the haven for bigotry, fear and discrimination that the rest of America will frown upon so long as we maintain our control.

Mind you, however, our enemies and my dearest rival will return so you should stand ready for they are angry and filled with rage. But when they calm, they will become creative and hopeful once again, summoning the obnoxious virtue of equality.

In the name of all that is Evil, you have earned my respect and admiration.

Your Lord of Darkness,
Satan

If you haven’t taken a shot of Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey yet, then, my friend, you are not a well-liked individual.  I’m sorry.  You barely have to be an approachable person for a complete stranger to want to include you in on the easiest shot ever invented (SoCo & lime requires a specific level of self-pity that can be difficult to summon).  Fireball Cinnamon Whisky has come on strong in the last two years as the shot de la nuit.  It’s cheap(ish).  It’s light.  It’s basically the quickest (and possibly the most effective if done in repetition), team-building exercise available at any bar.

The following is a dialogue that I hope has happened at least once:

Oscar:  Hey you wanna do a shot?

Kyle:  Sure.  Whiskey?

Oscar:  Kinda.  Hey bartender, can we get two shots of Fireball?

Kyle:  What?  Are we the Mario Bros.?

Oscar:  Ha.  That’s good.  No, it’s cinnamon whisky.  Here, you’ll like it.

Kyle:  What are we drinking to?

Oscar:  It doesn’t matter.  Cheers.

Kyle:  Cheers.

<gulp>

Kyle:  Oh god!  Why?  Ouch.  My teeth.

Oscar:  Right?  Pretty good for a shot.  AND… it’s only 66 proof.

Kyle:  You say that like it’s a good thing.

Oscar:  I do.  Let’s get two more, thank you.

Kyle:  Only 66 proof, they should come in pairs anyway.

Your dentist loves this candy because it makes him money, moron.

With it’s easy consumption and intense sugary flavor, I can think of only one type of scientist that would invent such an elixir: a dentist.  If, in one evening, you take 4 shots of Fireball then you will be pretty hungover the next morning and you’ll have at least one cavity.  When you go to get the cavity taken care of, your dentist will have an evil twinkle in his eye and a smirk on his face; and he’ll be thinking to himself, “They said we weren’t doctors.  HA!”  The flavor of Fireball Cinnamon Whisky is said to be modeled after Ferrara Pan Candy Company’s Atomic Fireball candy.  So yeah, this shit can be kind of addicting.

My fear regarding Fireball Cinnamon Whisky is this: since there’s less alcohol in this shot, but twice the flavor then the masses will start doing more shots with false confidence.  A shot of Fireball is 66 proof, which is on the low end for alcohol content as far as “whisky” shots go.  Just because Fireball tastes like there’s less alcohol in it and because there’s actually less alcohol in it does not make Fireball whisky comparable to water in anyway.  You’re still going to start behaving as you would if you were drinking Wild Turkey 101.

So, as we approach the weekend, whether you’re going to the rodeo or to SXSW, be careful with the Fireball, please.  You don’t have to take all of the shots in one night.  I understand that you could do that if you wanted to.  You don’t have to prove anything to me or the bartender.  Like the dentist, the bartender wants your money; but he also wants your return business.

Fireball Cinnamon Whisky’s cuddly and adorable mascot (a red demon-like beast-human spitting… fireballs) will continue to become iconic amongst the hard partying crowd; and we’ll all press on declaring every shot we take is the first in what will surely be “the best night ever”.  But sooner or later, the good people over at Fernet will design their own mascot and then we’ll all be super drunk with sophistication.  Cheers.

Reason #1: I’m off this week.
Reason #2 (and this is the important one): if I eat “steak night” for six days straight, I will die; so that’s why it’s five days.  Steak Night Week is not the endgame here;  Lobster Bisque Month is.

The Steak Knight Begins
In order to properly insert myself into the steak night scene I would clearly need to start slow— move around the outside a bit before just walking off the street and plunging into the hyper-exclusive back alley steak night behind Pete’s Fine Meats where flamingo tacos and bison steaks infused with lion fat are served (making wild & irresponsible assumptions is my thing).  With this strategy in mind and the fact that it was Monday, I selected Under The Volcano to be my first step into a guaranteed health descent.

Their steak night goes like this photo evidence here:

Why wouldn’t I ask for the 16 ounce strip steak?

As displayed above the bar, there’s the decision to choose the strip steak or the ribeye steak.  Both are allegedly sixteen ounces.  I ordered the strip steak but received the ribeye. <cue the fight scene>

INJUSTICE: I don’t care what cut of meat you want.
STEAK KNIGHT: I knoticed.
INJUSTICE: Damn it. Why do you do that?
STEAK KNIGHT: What?
INJUSTICE: The thing with the changing “N” to “Kn”.
STEAK KNIGHT: You hate it?
INJUSTICE: It’s fucking all the time you do that.
STEAK KNIGHT: Really? Because this is a dialogue and there’s no way you would ever now if I really did that.
INJUSTICE: See, there! You did it backwards this time!
STEAK KNIGHT: Ohkai, know you’re just knot making cence.

That carried on for a while until I stopped caring about what cut of meat I was served because I didn’t want to be the type of tight ass that cares about what cut of meat he is served at steak night on a Monday when he knows full well he’s going to be eating steak all fucking week long anyway.  It doesn’t FUCKING MATTER!  THAT’S NOT THE POINT OF THIS STORY!  WHY DOES MODERN JOURNALISM MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I NEED TO COMMENT ON THE— nevermind.     I ordered strip but got ribeye.  I’m almost positive it was a ribeye. I know I ordered a strip.  Let’s move on.

Other than the cut of meat mixup, the meal went exactly as advertised. Naturally, the salad came out first. It was delicious with its vinaigrette dressing and its Oaxaca cheese crumbles and let’s just not waste anymore time talking about a salad, shall we? Good.

When asked how I wanted my steak cooked, I responded with, “Stop cooking it exactly four moments before it reaches medium.” This caused the server to flaunt her extensive vocabulary by asking me, “Medium-rare Plus?” I nodded in agreement, trying my best to conceal the fact that I had never heard that term before.

The steak was served with “garlic mashed potatoes” and a chimichurri sauce.  I’ll address the concept of garlic mashed potatoes shortly; but for now, let’s have a one-sided discussion about chimichurri sauce.  Chimichurri is a sauce used on grilled meats; it’s a kind of Argentinian condiment, you might say.  Hand to Jesus, it’s better than ketchup but I’m not sure I’d make a regular habit of eating my steak with it.

“Garlic mashed potatoes”- as common as a glass of water at steak night.  These “garlic mashed potatoes” were of the very standard, smooth, non-lumpy variety.  I think they yawned at one point while I was eating.

What the Under The Volcano Steak Night lacks in creativity and imagination, it makes up for with amazing beverages and ambiance.  Seriously, it’s one of my favorite bars with great frozen drinks and a jukebox not connected to the internet.  The steak was cooked perfectly, which was nice.  Not so impressive on the taste side of things, however.  In any case, my expectations for my first Steak Knight outing were met and I plan to return on a future Monday night.

Tuesday, my duty takes me to D&T Drive In.

A dark and ugly monster eats food in public.

The Facts:
Under The Volcano
2349 Bissonnet St
Houston, TX 77005

$17 (totes my gotes = $18.40)
Monday Night

Armed with only a banjo, a kazoo and a foot bass pedal, the man named Dad Horse will saunter into Houston for his Texas debut on Friday, September 13.  The Dad Horse Experience will be performing his particular brand of German wandering folk preacher/gospel traveler music on the roof top above Khon’s Wine Bar (2808 Milam) as a part of his tour of the Southern United States.

Also on the bill for the evening is the inaugural performance of The Lukas Family, an original Houston act comprised of Luke Lukas, Clory Martin, Beth Martin, Ryan Galbraith (Devil Killing Moth) and Doug Falk (The Free Radicals).  Sand Dollar Swing will be opening the show.  In addition to music, there will also be a visual showing of some works from local filmmakers.

As with any artist claiming to be a gospel musician, there’s a presumption of redemption involved in the life and music of Dad Horse.  The common story of being a troublesome, hell raising teen then “seeing the light” is prominent in Dad Horse’s music.  The tagline on Dad Horse’s website is, “Keller-Gospel from the Left of Heaven since 2024.”  I’m not entirely sure what that means but there must be a good amount of sin and darkness involved.  To learn more about his message and tale, find yourself on the roof of the car garage at Khon’s on the evening of Friday, September 13… that’s right.  Friday the 13th, a perfect setting for a gospel reckoning, yes?  I think so.