Gentlemen, It Was A Pleasure Working With You
Dear Dr. Stephen & Woody,
Gentlemen, it was an absolute pleasure working with you these past few months. Never have I had such worthy and competent acolytes willing to secure my place in Houston, a market I struggle to maintain. Your efforts and our victory on Tuesday will never be forgotten, I assure you. The names Jared Woodfill, Dr. Steve Hotze and those of our brethren will forever be etched in my beautiful Book of Light.
When Houston’s Equal Rights Ordinance first crossed my desk, I will admit- there was a moment of panic; for inequality has long been my favorite tool to develop hate and disunity. All of a sudden my trusted toxin was under threat of extinction. And while I, myself, have no need for discrimination since my ultimate target is all of humanity outright, it is imperative that your kind continue to be obsessed with it.
Together, the two of you rekindled an art form that lay somewhat dormant in Houston for years- flagrant manipulation. Not since the Energy Twins, Kenny Lay & Jeffy Skilling, have I witnessed its power in that particular region of my realm. You literally produced something out of nothing. An ordinance with offerings of equality, fairness, progressivism and other nonsense that lifts up the disenfranchised, hurt and persecuted made no mention of… bathrooms. However, you made the fearful believe that’s all it was about; and in doing so you cemented the horrifying struggles of those commonly discriminated against. I applaud you.
Gathering the voices and funding of former local sports heroes and perhaps the worst franchise owner in NFL history to speak on our dark behalf was a smooth maneuver that even I would not have thought to do. The citizens of Houston are known for their habitual worship of false gods and seem to follow their every command.
Preying on the ancient fears of the elderly and providing them once again with a reason for living served us well indeed. Their vote counts and they have nothing else to do but see to it that they leave behind the same unjust world they enjoyed for a lifetime. And though an average voting age of 65 is beautiful, we simply cannot rely on their foolishness forever.
Instead, it is the ones you call “Millennials” and “TwentyorThirtysomethings” with their idiotphones and profound laziness that is the future of our stronghold. They were the real heroes on Tuesday. With no concept of civic duty, they wasted away an entire afternoon of potential change for the better by posting on social media articles of virtue that by no means cast a vote. They talked a big game but their influence amounted to nothing. A prideless and shameful lot, all of them.
Moving forward, I need you to understand that our victory is not permanent. You’ve done nothing more but buy me some additional time to torment those that are not like you and further poison the hearts and minds of those that are. Our goal here in Houston, gentlemen, is to prevent this city from rising out of its sewage of narrow-mindness, to never allow it to reach anything beyond a backwater bayou of energy companies and megachurches. Houston is the haven for bigotry, fear and discrimination that the rest of America will frown upon so long as we maintain our control.
Mind you, however, our enemies and my dearest rival will return so you should stand ready for they are angry and filled with rage. But when they calm, they will become creative and hopeful once again, summoning the obnoxious virtue of equality.
In the name of all that is Evil, you have earned my respect and admiration.
Your Lord of Darkness,
Satan
