Happy Valentine’s Day From The Kinky Sex Lives of Animals
By Jacob Calle
A wise man once said, “Always remember, everything you’ve ever experienced in life was made possible thanks to sex.” This is true. Without sex we wouldn’t have pepperoni pizza Hot Pockets, Dexter, skateboards, and Nintendo. Birds know this, bees know this, and even monkeys know it, so we should embrace sex for it creates the future! In the animal kingdom, sexual activities can be a bit crazy from masochism, BDSM, bondage, gay sex, masturbation, and unfortunately there is also rape. The procreation and sexual behavior in other species go beyond the imagination of the Homo sapien as mantis females bite the heads off of the male and the female Galapagos Giant Tortoise sticks her read out of the shell so the male can get its nasty on. As Homo sapiens celebrate and buy their loved ones chocolate and cards manufactured by Hallmark the rest of the animal kingdom will be twerking it in all shapes and sizes. Here is the top ten list of most extravagant courtships on the planet in no particular order as they all hold significant purpose to that sole species. Enjoy and happy Valentine’s Day!
1. The Bonobo
A bonobo is a smaller version of their relative, the chimpanzee, but what lacks in size makes up in bed, so to speak. Bonobos are the horniest of all primates in the world. Sex plays a large role in these social groups of apes. Sex is used for practically everything! Greeting, bartering for food by females, ending fights, and even just having pointless sex. Besides humans and orangutans, the bonobo is the only primate known to participate in missionary position and also French kissing as tongues clash back and forth. There is also the classic oral sex, but let’s not get into detail there. Children will also play in sexual activities before they are even experience it’s greater entailment.
2. The Nursery Web Spider
The male spider will find a gift, wrap it up in silk and offer it to a female that seems good enough for copulation. Scientific research has shown that the male will advance the chances in mating if a gift is present. While acting chivalrous, the male can also be quite the creep. It may lie appear to feign death with gift, the female will take the gift and the male will leap into action with full force with an attempt to mate. With a gift this doubles a male’s odds of copulation from 40% to 90%.The male’s nuptial gift usually consists of a fly. The copulation can last longer if the gift is present as the female takes her time eating it while being mounted from behind getting her snack on.
3. The Seahorse
A study shows that with seahorses, 3,168 sea horse sexual encounters that were recorded, 37% was a form of gay sex. These two species that were in this study was the Australian and the Caribbean Slender Seahorse. With individual horses flirting with 25 potential partners each day, it’s no different than a colorful Friday night at South Beach night club.
4. The Duck
While there are many male birds who do not own sexual organs, ducks are well endowed while it spirals out as the penis is shaped like a cork screw. Must a male duck have such a well hung contraption? Absolutely! The female’s vagina can easily be argued to have the most complex genitalia in the animal kingdom. There are many labyrinthine oviducts with dead-ends tunnels. While a well endowed penis may seem fancy to the female, but sometimes a female can be killed is such sexual action. At times forced mating is brought upon the male. No one wants a rape baby, not even ducks, so the female can use the vagina to throw out the sperm coming from the forced mating and shoot the sperm back out. Perhaps this is what Representative Todd Akin was trying to explain about legitimate rape. Sorry Todd, you we’re talking about ducks, not humans.
5. The Deep Sea Angler
As the old saying goes, “There will always be other fish in the sea.”, but what do fish say? That it is the deep sea it can be a bit arduous to find a mate so the male angler finds a female and becomes partners for life. The male literally pierces his body through her skin and holds on till death. The male then can provide semen at any given time when the female has eggs to be fertilized.
6. Humans (Wodaabe)
Wodaabe people of Niger perform an annual ritual in which the males apply a large amount of makeup and wear extravagant costumes to attract a sex mate. The male will then dance exposing his teeth and eyes. Sounds like a crazy night on Washington Street heavily saturated in Axe body spray on acid right? The male will hope to win a mate while competing for attention by the female. If the male does not make the cut for good looks, the men will hopefully compensate with togu, which means charm. “He who has togu, speaks with his heart.” Is what the Wodaabe people say.
7. The Slug
Slugs are hermaphrodites that own both sexual organs from a male and a female. A slug will begin the 40 hour mating ritual by following a slime trail left by another slug. When the pair unite the two will use their radulae to touch and feel each other while stimulating each other into extreme sextravaganza! As one slug takes the alpha role it eats away the mucus rope-like plug located in the tail of its partner. Once this takes place the penises wrap around each other and ejaculate. Once their romantic getaway is over the “female” eats the penis of the other mate and sometimes with his help all while making human sex as boring as clipping toe nails.
8. The Paper Nautilus
When a nautilus’ find each other, the game begins! The male will swim away instead of engaging in each other. This may seem normal in the human world as we play chase, but what happens next isn’t. The sperm is stored in the male’s tentacle. Like a lizard’s tail, the tentacle detaches from the body and miraculously swims towards the female to penetrate! Alas a swimming penis of the sea!
9. The Satin Bower Bird
In sexual courtship display in many birds, the bower bird is most distinctive. In lieu of aerial performances in the air or an extravagant collection of colors on its feathers the male has another way of luring the female. The male builds a large love nest to attract its mate. While it is a nest, it’s a “love” nest, not a nest to incubate eggs. The architectural structure is only used for courtship and mating. A fancy one night motel if you will. The nest is highly decorated in found objects that the male hopes the female will find pleasing. This creative display may result in only blue objects, snail shells, dead insects, and flower pedals. Once the male has attracted the female from his dance and display, the female will then create a non-creative egg laying nest elsewhere to raise her young alone.
10. The Snake
Like the duck, the snake too has a unique erection. Like the forked tongue it also has a forked penis. As most animals go, the male penis expands and is inserted into the female. The snake’s penis is called a hemi peres or a “half penis”. During sexual play the male will unroll its penis into its mate’s oviducts and inflate like a moon bounce that can be rented from Sky High Party Rental! At times the human male can’t get the job done for the aggravated female, the snake on other hand can. As the penis discharges its sperm, a second penis enters the game to prolong the sexual engagement. So if you’re girlfriend calls you a snake in bed due to a wild night of sex, take that as a compliment, then go apply to Ripley’s Believe It or Not you freak.
