It’s beginning to look a lot like touring season in the music industry. This week we’ll be greeted by bands who haven’t played here in a long time, most notably stoner rockers Sleep. There’s also sets from acts like SWMRS, Curren$y, Los Lobos and more while Kiki Maroon brings back her burlesque festival and a ton of locals perform all over our city. Houston, here’s how to navigate the next seven days.

Wednesday you can begin at Warehouse Live in the ballroom for the rap of Brooklyn’s Desiigner. This guy has blown up and his live shows are known to be crazy. Here in support of last year’s popular album New English, this should be a show worth checking out. California rapper Rob $tone will be on as direct support with a set from Ski Mask the Slump God on prior. The all ages show with doors at 7 pm will get opened by 16yrold with tickets between $23 and $25.

If you’d like to see a funny social experiment live, then you could head to The Secret Group to catch 7 Minutes in Purgatory with Ian Abramson. The show is basically comics performing in front of a camera in a soundproof room, so there’s no way for them to know if their jokes are landing or not. I’ve seen the show before and it’s a trip with doors at 7 pm and the all ages event has tickets between $12 and $15.

Over in Mandell Park, one of Houston’s best kept secrets, Hearts of Animals, will perform. I’d hope with appearances all over town over the years, a set at the first Day for Night, and a list of stellar albums that you’d have heard of this band.  If you haven’t, then you should know that their 2024 album Another Mutation is one of the best albums you might not know about and their latest single, “Cat Karma” from last year, keeps in line with their stellar sound. Things get going at 7:30 pm and the all ages show is 100% FREE.

Over at Crumbville Texas on Elgin, the Damn Gxrl series will host a set from Peru’s Maria Chavez. Known for creating immense sets on the decks, her DJ sets alone are worth making it out for and she doesn’t stop in town often. The R&B soul jams of Houston’s Peyton will provide direct support while the DJ sounds of yazzaspazza will open things up. The all ages show has doors at 7:30 pm with a measly $5 cover.

Turnaways. Photo: Danny Larrea

Upstairs at White Oak Music Hall you can get your punk fix when CJ Ramone swings by to play. Having to replace Dee Dee in the late ’80s wasn’t a task that many could do, but CJ was definitely a great candidate for the gig and as a member of the famed punks, he added a new life to the Ramones.  His solo stuff is catchy and his live shows are full of energy. His latest release, American Beauty from this year, is energetic and fun, too. Houston’s Turnaways will bring their intensity as direct support and openers for the all ages show with doors at 8 pm and tickets between $13 and $15.

Later at The Secret Group, you can get down with Emily Snow at her birthday bash. DJs, penis balloons, burlesque and more will all be on hand. The last party she had at the venue got dirty, so just be warned for the 21 & up event with doors at 10 pm with a $5 cover.

Thursday at Improv, Houston comic Ali Siddiq will celebrate 4/20 in style with two shows called 420 Live From the Greenroom. Siddiq is easily one of the brightest and funniest comics coming from Houston since Bill Hicks, and his last album Damaged Goods from last year is a riot. There’s no word of host and feature act, but that should change. The two 18 & up shows have doors at 3 pm and 7:15 pm, both with tickets between $17 and $27.

It wouldn’t be 4/20 without the annual Warehouse Live set from New Orleans’ rapper Curren$y. This guy has been busy with a slew of releases last year and the latter being Andretti 12/30. Atlanta’s J.I.D will be on as direct support while Houston’s Dice Soho will perform prior. The raging hip hop madness of Houston’s BILLYRACXX will go on beforehand and make it hard for anyone to follow. There’s also sets from Soupmakesitbetter, OG Ron C & The Chopstars, Yobi Yobz, Bruce Waine, and Brody Musesick for the all ages show with doors at 5 pm for the Munchies food truck event, and the concert has doors at 7 pm with tickets for $40.

Satellite Bar will have the Reefer Radness 4/20 Celebration with a headlining set from Houston’s Soul Creatures. Metanoia, Positive Disturbance, Free Radicals, The Skatastrophics, and Let Me Remember will all be on hand to celebrate getting lifted as well. The all ages show has doors at 5 pm and a $10 cover.

Libby Koch. Photo: Nicola Gell

Mucky Duck has an intriguing show with four acts under the name Double Date Night.  The show featuring two duos gets headlined by Houston’s Libby Koch & Chuck Hawthorne. Koch, an emerging artist that could easily become the next queen of Americana, will play tunes from her latest album Just Move On while Hawthorne will bring his soft country from Silver Line to life. The country goodness of Brant Croucher and the sweetness of Lainey Balagia will perform beforehand for the 21 & up show with doors at 7 pm and tickets between $20 and $22.

On Friday you could get going at Discovery Green for Circo Avenida. Contortionists, acrobats, and more circus acts will be on hand for your delight. The family friendly event gets going at 7 pm and it’s 100% FREE.

If you’d rather get some Tex-Mex blues in your life, then you could head to the Heights Theater to catch East LA’s Los Lobos. Here in support of their 2024 album Gates Of Gold, this five-piece usually throws a pretty amazing live show and catching them in such an intimate setting should be great for any fan. The Afro-Latino rhythms of Kansas City’s Making Movies will be on hand as direct support and openers for the all ages show with doors at 7 pm and tickets for $28.

Tom Segura. Photo: Robyn Van Swank/3Arts

If you want to laugh until it hurts, then you should head to Improv to catch the always hilarious Tom Segura. Here in town for a limited run of shows, Segura has been on a roll since his 2024 album Completely Normal. Since then he’s blown up appearing all over the globe and taping the funny as hell Netflix special Mostly Stories. Segura is definitely an act you don’t want to miss and these shows should sell out fast. The performances are all 18 & up with two shows Friday with doors at either 7 pm or 9 pm. There’s also two shows Saturday with doors at 6:15 pm and 8 pm or a show Sunday with doors at 6:45 pm, all with tickets between $29 and $50.

Jandek. Photo: Corwood Industries

Over at Hamman Hall on the Rice University campus, the elusive Jandek will perform. Part of the KTRU 50th Anniversary series, what Jandek will do will be a mystery to everyone. If you somehow don’t know Jandek, he’s released somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 albums and DVDs since 1978, usually made up of dissonant folk and blues, often with spoken word lyrics. The hook here is that Jandek rarely performs and the likes of Ben Gibbard, Kurt Cobain, and Mike Watt are all considered big fans of his work. The all ages show has doors at 7 pm for the 100% FREE concert.

At Near Northside Studios you can catch an impressive group exhibition, I Tried Really Hard. Art from Mark Armes, Eyesore, Bret Shirley, Jonathan Paul Jackson, LIMB, Blake Jones, Meredith Richey, Darcy Rosenburger, Traci Lavois Thiebaud and so many more will be on view. The all ages evening gets going around 8 pm and it’s 100% FREE.

Satellite Bar will host the indie rock of Boston’s Pile. Quite possibly one of the better indie rock bands going today, these guys put on an impressive and energetic live show. Here in support of their newly released album A Hairshirt of Purpose, these guys are not to be missed. The intense math rock goodness from Nashville trio Gnarwhal will be on hand as direct support while Houston’s Ruiners will bring their post punk meets punk energy on as openers. The all ages show has doors at 8 pm with tickets between $10 and $12.

Flower Politics. Photo: Courtesy of Flower Politics

Rec Room will bring back another edition of their Tiny Bar series with a set from Houston’s Flower Politics. Earlier this year I wrote about the latest release from Flower Politics’ latest album, New Beginnings, as I found their approach to bedroom pop invigorating, and the fact that they’ve dropped over twenty releases in three years shouldn’t be lost on anyone. The show has doors at 9 pm and a TBA cover.

Rudyard’s will have the return of the psych blues doom stoner rock of Portland’s Black Pussy. While the band has had all sorts of drama over their name, they’re pretty amazing to catch live and they’ll be here in support of their latest release Power, due out in May. The old school Houston rock of HogLeg will be on as direct support while Pinche Gringos will open the 21 & up show with doors at 9 pm and an $8 cover.

Substance. Photo: Josh Robicheaux

Substance will headline their 7” album release over at Rito’s Bar. I don’t know if you know the band, but their songs are short and fast punk and their lead singer usually ends up writhing on the floor after the first song. In other words, they put on a great show. San Antonio’s Sex Ray Vision will be on as direct support while the hardcore of McAllen’s Narb will go on beforehand. Sets from Crawler and Shallow will also take place at the all ages show with doors at 9 pm and an $8 cover.

If you’d rather get your dance on, then you could make it over to Boondock’s for another edition of BLACKOUT. The long running series is always a great place to get your groove on, especially this edition featuring a performance from NYC’s Riobamba. Visuals from Leckie, the entire Blackout crew on hand to drop sets, and more should be your signal to head over to the 21 & up show with doors at 10 pm and a TBA cover.

On Saturday, things should kick off with you heading to Cactus for an in-store signing from Bun B. Bun will be there as part of the Record Store Day festivities, signing copies of the UGK classic Hard To Swallow, which will be available on vinyl for the first time. There should be a line, if not for any other reason than that Bun is awesome and he always draws a crowd. Things get going a 1 pm, but I’d get there early if I were you.  

Bayonne. Photo: Dustin Cohen

On the Rice University campus, the 26th Annual KTRU Outdoor Show will take place. Celebrating 50 Years of KTRU, the show with a headlining set from Chicago’s Jamila Woods. The soul singer really puts plenty of flavor in her live sets and her 2024 single “Blk Girl Soldier” should be enough reason for you to attend. Chicago rapper Saba will also be on hand while Houston-born Austin transplant Bayonne will go on beforehand. Bayonne is one of the most passionate performers you can see and 2024’s Primitives is difficult not to love. Houston’s Free Radicals will also be on the bill, as will the indie pop rock of Houston’s Rose Ette. Sets from Steve Cox’s Beard and David Morgan & Charles Moon will kick things off at the all ages and 100% FREE event that gets going around 2 pm with more information available here.

Kiki Maroon will bring her Bayou City Burlesque & Circus Arts Festival back to the ballroom at Warehouse Live. Alongside a slew of locals like Ms Yet, Honey Moonpie, and Maroon herself will be acts like Tucson’s Don’t Blink Burlesque and Portland’s dainty daredevil Juliette Electrique. In fact, there’s so many more performers that it’s almost impossible to name them all. Contortionists, sideshow acts, burlesque performers and so much more will be on hand at the one night only festival. The 18 & up show has doors at 7:30 pm and tickets between $20 and $75, and the last ones have sold out in the past.

The Wheel Workers. Photo: Allison McPhail

Over at The Secret Group you could get all of the melodies when Austin indie rockers Quiet Company return to perform. This four-piece has become known for their fun live shows and their latest release, Transgressor from 2024, is their strongest to date. The energetically fun indie rock of Houston’s The Wheel Workers will be on as direct support while Denton’s Criminal Birds open the all ages show with doors at 8 pm with tickets between $12 and $15.

Of course, the stoner rock of Northern California’s Sleep will be on hand downstairs at White Oak Music Hall. Coming back from the proverbial dead, this trio makes sludge heavy songs that are intense and immense to see live. Austin’s American Sharks will be there as direct support and the instrumental metal of Austin’s Eagle Claw will open the all ages show with doors at 8 pm with tickets for $25.

Continental Club has the indie rock of Houston’s The Glass. Making interesting and almost orchestral sounds, this five-piece is worth checking out, as their latest single “Miracle” is pretty solid. The jazz rock fusion of Houston’s Phrolic will open the 21 & up show with doors at 10 pm with a TBA cover.

SWMRS. Photo: Alice Baxley

Sunday you could get your pop punk or rock fix, depending on how you see it, when California’s SWMRS swing by Walter’s to perform.  Here in support of last year’s Drive North, these guys are becoming very popular and well known for their energetic live set. The angst driven band also features the son of Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong, if that matters. The Police meets The Cars sounds of Kentucky’s White Reaper will be on as direct support while the garage pop of LA’s No Parents will open the all ages show with doors at 7 pm and tickets between $15 and $17.

Upstairs at White Oak Music Hall, Austin’s Mobley will bring his infectious electro pop to town. This guy mixes in hints of R&B to get a sound that’s hard to deny, and his latest EP with Houston’s Catch Fever, Dreamers is pretty great. The cinematic electronica of Hescher will be on beforehand while the chillwave jams of Houston’s George West will open up the all ages show with doors at 7 pm and tickets between $8 and $11.

In the ballroom at Warehouse Live you could get your laughs in for the Guys We F@#KED: The Experience. The show, which is a live version of the anti-slut shaming podcast of the same name, should be pretty hilarious to catch in person. One of the top weekly downloaded podcasts in the country, this should be a great show for any fan of the show or the two hilarious comics who present it, Krystyna Hutchinson and Corinne Fisher. The all ages show has doors at 7 pm and tickets between $22 and $25.

Monday you can head to Walter’s for the always fun antics of Peelander-Z. The New York based Japanese punk band never disappoints live, performing in full costumes and playing with incredible energy. Their latest album, Live at Red 7 from 2024, is pretty rad, though not as great as the crazy band is in person. There’s no word of support or openers, though that should change for the all ages show with doors at 8 pm and tickets between $10 and $12.

The Garden. Photo: Epitaph Records

Tuesday the neo-punk of LA based twins The Garden will swing by Walter’s to drop a set. These guys have made music for a long time, they both modeled for Yves Saint Laurent, and their live shows are a mixed bag. Anyone who sees them says it’s definitely an experience like no other and their latest album Haha is something different entirely. The enigmatic hip hop of Houston’s Fat Tony will be on hand as direct support and opener for the all ages show with doors at 7 pm and tickets between $13 and $16.

That’s about all that’s happening around town this week. No matter what you decide to do, remember that acting like an idiot and not getting home safely does no one else any good. So drink like an adult and get home as safely as possible.  

The life cycle of any band can be one of just a couple of month to that of a couple of years or longer.  When bands are around for over a decade, anyone who follows them can learn real quick that finding an overall sound can be difficult.  For Houston’s Young Mammals, there’s never been a problem in finding their overall sound, as they’ve always been a mixture of indie rock and hook filled pop.  However, getting to a more concise version of that seemed like it was more elusive until their last album Alto Seco.  On it, the band seemed to really take a more focused approach and hone their strengths as songwriters.  On their new album, Jaguar, they take that concentration to a whole new level and release their most focused and straightforward album to date.  In ten songs they showcase how strong they’ve become since their early years under The Dimes while keeping your attention from start to finish.

The band doesn’t waste any time proving how precise they are with the album’s opener “Crane.”  A searing guitar and immediate vocals greet you alongside a head bopping rhythm that prove that this leaner Young Mammals’ is also a little meaner when it comes to guitar licks and hooks.  There’s such a quick gratification to the track that the enjoyment of what’s placed fourth takes no time to get into nor does it stick around too long to grow weary of itself either.  They follow this up with the title track, the almost anthemic and boppy sounding “Jaguar.”  The bridge on this song finds the band employing new techniques while keeping things more taut and precise.  Keeping the album’s pace steadily flowing, they slow things down a step or two on the third track, “The Slight,” while not stealing any attention from the intriguing elements that they’ve utilized in the past with their intricate guitar work.

By the opening of the fourth song, “Turfed” you should realize that even on a slower song like this one, these guys have come a long way as songwriters.  The murky and spacey tones they use while holding your attention is masterful and though they sound different, it’s still recognizably the same band.  They keep their almost Smiths like influences on “I’m Sleeping,” while keeping their indie rock roots in check, following up with the slow jam vibe of “Mango Beach.”  The band definitely takes their sound to a new place on the drunken and hazy sounding track while echoing the genius of early Pixies and Pedro The Lion on the pedal soaked gem.  They follow it however, with one of the many standout tracks, “Rat In The Summer” where the band seems to indulge in their Joy Division meets Echo & the Bunnymen fantasies.  These wispy vocals and reverb soaked guitars are met with a captivating verse that is held together by a snappy beat and a thick bassline.  There’s a magic being made on this track where the band really finds new ground without deterring from their indie rock roots.  

This gets followed with a return to form on another standout track, the raucous and hook filled sound of “Auroras.”  Keeping a quick beat and a stride that gets filled with hints of The Smiths’ in throughout, the song sounds in many ways like a modern day “Rusholme Ruffians.”  The way the band crafts this undeniably catchy song structure is one of precision and heft that can’t be denied in their strengths as a unit.  The slower and softer sounding “Heavenly” lives up to its name as the band takes a stab at a ballad that pays off as it’s further from said songs in their traditional sense, while the band keeps your attention for the slow burner.  The album is closed off with a song that’s more of a traditional sound that you’ve come to expect from Young Mammals on “Morning Vice.”  Pop heavy hooks and a clever and catchy sound, the song makes you realize that while the band has definitely strengthened their overall reach as what they can do as a group, their strong suit is still the traditionally indie rock sound.  The craziest thing about the final track, is that it’s the longest on the album, though it moves along with such ease, that you don’t notice that it’s over five minutes long.

All in all, Young Mammals drop another release that showcases their strengths as a band continue to move forward while they continuously release stronger and tighter songs.  The ten song release is full of changes for a band that’s been moving forward since their first releases.  You can get your own copy of Jaguar when Young Mammals perform at the Fiftieth Anniversary of KTRU with Open Mike Eagle and -Us. On Friday, October 14th at Valhalla Bar.  The all ages show has doors at 8:30 pm and it’s 100% FREE.

” The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.”

– Friedrich Nietzsche

They say sunlight is the best antiseptic. They also say a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.  Why those are relevant, I don’t know. But we are proud to offer up our annual Worst of Houston list this year in our continuing efforts to make Houston a better place by exposing some of it’s worst components. We can’t vouch for factual accuracy, positive motivation, or anything else for that matter but we hope you use this list for the greater good. Feel free to let us know how you feel about these but do so ever so gently because we are only good at giving criticism and not receiving it. ENTRIES DO NOT CONSTITUTE OPINION OF FREE PRESS HOUSTON BUT RATHER OPINION OF THE AUTHOR.  editors@freepresshouston.com

Illustrations by Devin Finch

WORST HOLIDAY TRAFFIC JAM: Anything close to the Galleria, Rice Village, Highland Village, Heights, or Montrose

Yeah yeah Houston traffic is terrible, blah blah blah. Nothing original here, though I am still somehow amazed by the transformation that takes place every single year on our city’s streets during the weeks before Christmas. It’s like living in New Delhi; only replace rickshaws with cars driven by fat moms from the suburbs. Houston’s holiday traffic has officially supplanted my grandparents’ soft toilet seat as the thing on earth I find most disgusting. Who the fuck are you people? My work commute has gotten so bad I’m now listing Planned Parenthood as the sole beneficiary in my Last Will & Testament.

Side observation- I wonder if up north an actual reindeer has ever been caught humping a car with those fake little reindeer horns.

-Steve Thompson Jr. @stevethompsonjr

WORST ONLINE MAGAZINE: CultureMap

Judging by the content of its website and Twitterfeed, CultureMap wants to transform the city of Houston into the snobby whore of Dallas.  Someone should check to make sure CultureMap isn’t on the Houstonian’s payroll because the only way a country club locker room robbery gets “breaking news” status is if the country club is paying for it.  Also, when did Facebook status updates become the cornerstone to journalistic research?  CultureMap, with all of its River Oaks money, could be force for good in this city but instead it’s a force for wealthy landowners.  Shame on you Top2%Map.com.  Shame on you.

-Mills-McCoin

WORST CITY PLANNING ACTION OF THE YEAR: More Parking Spaces for No Good Reason

Whether Houston just wants to remain an oversized suburb, the Planning Commission has been huffing nitrous or City Council is letting big corporations like Target and Pappas write their laws, the new off-street parking requirements proposed this year are detrimental to this city’s growth, entrepreneurship, and community cohesion. Increasing minimum parking standards will negatively impact the use of mass transit and urban density, exacerbate drainage problems and possibly increase DUI-related deaths.

Parking ratios are based on pseudo-science handed down from one community to another without any consideration for market-based solutions. The Greater Houston Restaurant Association (GHRA), which represents large restaurants and chains, supports the new requirements, while independent restaurant owners have formed their own group, Organized Koalition on Restaurant Affairs (OKRA) to combat the new regulations. Help support an urbanized Houston by showing up to random City Council meetings and shouting or emailing them repeatedly at houstontx.gov/council.

-Sean Carroll

WORST TEXAS POLITICIAN: Rick Perry

This isn’t even a contest. In August Perry was the rising star of the GOP, his much ballyhooed prayer rally at Reliant Stadium attracted so many conservatives and media types that it felt like a Republican convention. Oh, to go back to the heady days of late summer when Perry was seen as the great white hope, a dyed in the wool conservative who could unite the base and the establishment. Ah, to remember when the GOP primary was seen as a race solely between Perry and Romney. Now flash forward just four months and no one seriously thinks Perry has a chance of winning any state besides Texas. The only thing that Perry’s continued collapse does is show exactly why he was smart not to debate Bill White in 2024; White would have eaten him alive. And now to make matters worse, word has come out that since Perry took early “retirement” he’s pulling down $200,000 a year. Apparently he gets to keep his governor’s salary and gets his pension while campaigning. And to make matters worse we’re stuck with him for at least another three years. Thanks Rick.

-Alex Wukman

WORST IGNORING OF HOUSTON’S MUSIC COMMUNITY: Revisions to Houston’s Sound ordinance

So the Mayor and City Council got together and formed a committee to explore revising the already ambiguous and inefficient Sound Ordinance. City officials, restaurant and resident associations, and other were invited to participate in the dialogue. Yet City officials failed to invite one musician, music venue operator, or anyone even closely related to the music community. So what we got was an ordinance that ignores the science of sound, the concerns of the music community, and common logic.

-Omar Afra

WORST PUBLICITY FOR A GREAT PROGRAM: Gold Card

It is actually surprising how many people eligible for Harris County’s indigent care program have no idea that it exists or that they are eligible. For those unfamiliar Harris County actually has a single payer health insurance plan for people with little to no income that takes care of things like emergency room visits and going to the doctor. It’s easy and free to apply and because the County doesn’t plaster the program on billboards all across town few people know about it. All the information and application forms are a simple Google search away.

-Alex Wukman

WORST TWEET: One down, 40 Million to go

When Bin Laden was allegedly killed, we tweeted ‘One down, 40 million to go.’ Though we thought it was hilarious and were trying to shed light on the fact that US foreign policy was killing Arab men daily, folks did not quite seem to catch the sarcasm. They also did not know we are A-rab owned and operated. We caused quite the kerfuffle.

-Omar Afra

WORST USE OF FACEBOOK: Bragging About Your Bank Robbery

Yeah, we’ve prolly all done dumb stuff on Facebook–it’s kind of made for that.  I know I have–we’ve had to dedicate whole FPH podcasts to address the stupid shit I’ve posted.  But when a teller at a bank that had recently been robbed and her boyfriend/accomplice started bragging about being rich and wiping their teeth with hundreds, they brought down themselves and two other accomplices–including another teller at the same bank.

-Harbeer Sandhu

WORST FOOD VOID: Sandwiches

If it were as easy to get a good turkey and Swiss on rye as it is to grab a torta or a cheeseburger, I wouldn’t be writing this “Worst Of.” I don’t want to pay $8 for it, I don’t want to buy it from a chain. I don’t need fancy bread or twelve different meats. I just want it made fresh and close to home. I’m lazy. Quit making me do all the work.

-Andrea Afra

WORST ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT IN HOUSTON: Annise Parker’s Attack on Small Businesses

Back in 2024, I viewed my opportunity to vote for Annise Parker in the Mayoral Election as a godsend.  To me, voting for Annise Parker meant I was voting progressively.  Now, I must admit that the fact that Annise Parker is gay played a huge role in my decision.  Was that a narrow-minded view of her sexual orientation– probably; and you can bet I’ll never make the same mistake again.  In her first term as mayor, Annise Parker brought the hammer of Thor down on small businesses with the fury of the entire GOP.  She introduced a sound ordinance that serves mostly as fiendish money grab and empowered police officers beyond their stated responsibility.  She introduced a parking ordinance that encourages drunk driving and forces bars & restaurants to increase parking spots while alleviating the same burden on strip centers.  Clearly, her mission as mayor is to send Houston back a decade in time.

-Mills-McCoin

WORST PAYOLA: HEB for David Robinson

President of HEB Scott McClelland is listed as one of the campaign contributors to former candidate for city council David Robinson. Mr. Robinson happens to be the president of the super-neighborhood Neartown Association, which encompasses most of the neighborhoods in Montrose, including Lancaster Place, whose residents were appalled at his blatant advocacy for the new HEB despite his fellow neighbors’ protests. Robinson lost his run for the at large position, which is a win for Montrosians with a penchant for restoration, not gentrification.

-Andrea Afra
WORST OUTFIT FOR A BANK ROBBER: Rub-a-Dub Robber

The lack of style and pride in their appearance displayed by many Houstonians is well known.  You know what I’m talking about, and if you don’t, go to any Super Walmart after 10 pm, or any time of day for that matter, and count the number of people in sweatpants, house shoes, and spaghetti-stained puffy paint unicorn t-shirts.  Go ahead, I dare you.  So it’s no surprise, I suppose, that on October 27, a woman walked into Lonestar Bank wearing a purple shower cap and pajamas, brandishing a gun, and robbed the bank.  Our bank robbers don’t even have any style.  Think back now to the time of Pretty Boy Floyd, and Bonnie and Clyde.  The latter couple was so frickin’ stylish that a flippin’ Frenchman–a man held up as a paragon of style by even snooty French standards, Serge Gainsbourg–immortalized them in a song.

-Harbeer Sandhu

WORST BEER & WINE SELECTION: Montrose HEB

As HEB waits for the beer and wine license for their new Montrose location, held up because of their proximity to the St. Stephens Episcopal Church and School, they have made good use of the shelf space they’d allotted for fun juice by filling it with their overstock of douche bags.  Douche sales have been so brisk that they are considering making the change permanent, and are considering serving douche bags, exclusively, at their still unused in-store bar.  For those who want the real stuff–check the cough syrup aisle…or walk across the street to the neighborhood Fiesta.

-Harbeer Sandhu

WORST AUSTIN CHAIN TO COME TO HOUSTON: Torchy’s Tacos

Torchy’s serves ‘anglo’ style tacos that are composed of way too many cutesy ingredients, have silly names like ‘The Dirty Sanchez’, and cost upwards of 4 bux a piece. Hipsters with tattoo sleeves peddle vogue tacos with mango compotes, fried avocado, and jerk chicken. All I need is a great tortilla, good cuts of meat, fresh cilantro, and a killer salsa verde. Torchy’s piles so many trendy foodie relishes on their tacos I can’t tell what I am eating. A tip for Torchy’s: less is more.

-Omar Afra

WORST HOUSTON NEWS SOURCE: Any of them on TV

Whether it’s Channel 2 identifying the intersection of Fannin and Tuam as “Southeast Houston”, Channel 11 describing the Texans playoff berth as “The Run to the Super Bowl” or Channel 26 deciding to turn its 5 and 9 p.m. newscasts into conservative debates about such important issues as “is TV too gay” and the “War on Christmas”, local TV news sucks. Even Channel 39’s NewsFix could be fixed; more actual reporting and less TMZ voiceovers would be a good place to start. For one day, just one day, I would like to see a TV news cast focus on issues that aren’t discussed on a regular basis–like the area’s water shortage–instead of reporting gun crimes and traffic accidents. And yes murders, bank robberies and fatal accidents are important but isn’t it also important to know when we’re going to have rolling blackouts and more broken water pipes next summer?

-Alex Wukman

WORST BARS: Those that have more flavored vodkas than decent whiskey

Don’t look at me like I’m crazy when I ask you what Irish whiskey’s you carry besides Jameson’s or Bushmill’s. I don’t want your rainbow-puke inducing, eight-ingredient panty-droppers. Charge my ass more. It’s a one- pour drink, neat. If you shelve it, they will come.

-Andrea Afra

WORST TRIP OF A MUNICIPAL ELECTED OFFICIAL: Annise Parker to Israel

If you think Rick Perry is the worst Texas has to offer, think again! While Perry is a fucking homophobic moron whose low IQ makes George Bush look good, it is easier to critique his ultra-conservative ass than the so-called progressive politicians in Houston. In fact, our very own Mayor is making Perry look good by working hard to make Houston the worst city not just in Texas, but in the entire United States. For starters, what the fuck was the deal with the huge creepy red tent with which the Houston Police covered the Occupy Houston protesters?! Hiding violence against the protesters behind creepy closed tents is perhaps something Parker has learned from her mentors in Israel.

Parker, the Israeli sympathizer, is using the exact method that the state of Israel has used for decades: covering up its violence against the Palestinians with lies about being “the only democracy in the Middle East.” Not too long ago, Parker led a delegation of U.S. mayors on their trip to Israel. The American Jewish Committee, an Israeli propaganda machine that takes policymakers to Israel for “intensive learning and travel”, sponsored her November 14th to 20th trip to Israel.

Parker, who is working on building partnerships with Israeli companies, has not only learned from the Israeli apartheid regime to “successfully” manage dissent, but is eager about the way that the Israeli state has exploited natural resources stolen from Palestinians. She is fascinated by Israel’s fucking “aggressive expansion of its desalination plants” that provide Israel with most of its water. What Parker calls “reclaimed seawater” is really stolen seawater. At the same time that you are stopped at the Galleria by annoying aggressive sales people (former Israeli soldiers who have completed their military stint and had likely been murdering Palestinians) who insist on selling you stolen salt from the Dead Sea, packaged as fucking expensive skin products, the desalinated water is used to quench Israel’s greed. This is when Palestinians in Gaza do not have drinking water. And when the Dead Sea is being destroyed by Israel’s exploitation – yes folks, Israel is even killing the Dead Sea.

To make matters worse, Parker proudly announces that the Jerusalem Mayor, Nir Barkat, “wants to increase tourism to Israel’s capital city by improving ease of access and by creating destination events, like the Jerusalem Marathon.” Parker is happy to send tourists to Israel with easy access, when Palestinians’ access to their homeland is blocked at the fucking checkpoints, and when the only marathon Palestinians know is to run from the fucking Israeli “Defense” Force.

In the City of Houston press release, Parker states, “This is an opportunity to learn how we might be able to apply Israel’s model back in Houston.”

Exactly what type of Israeli model is she bringing back to Houston? What makes her think we would want anything remotely Israel-ish in our city? Did she see how Palestinian citizens of Israel are treated as third class citizens in the so-called democratic state of Israel? Did she see Palestinians in Gaza and the West Bank treated like animals, caged in by a massive apartheid wall, checkpoints and roadblocks? Did she see Palestinian homes demolished, olive trees uprooted, and land continuously grabbed by Israel? Never mind the thousands of Palestinians killed and injured by Israeli air strikes, the thousands more in Israeli dungeons (many held without charge), and the racist Israeli policies that prevent millions of Palestinian refugees from returning to their rightful homes and villages, all courtesy of our tax dollars.

Of course she did not see these things. She, like any other person who tours Israel, would see a version that censors Israel’s ethnic cleansing of the Palestinians. But we expected her to know better. As a progressive mayor in a city that embraces diversity and equal opportunities for all, rubbing elbows with Zionists (aka racists) in the State of Israel – the most belligerent state in the region – is an outrage.

Oh and get this: Mayor Parker refused to meet with concern Houstonians and the Palestinian community to hear our concerns. She is only willing to give her time (which is on our clock, she is our mayor, serving us) to Israel. How Shameful.

So, congratulations, Mayor Parker! You fucking win our vote for the worst of Houston! That is the only vote you will be getting from many Houstonians, Ms. Mayor!

-Sima Shakhsari, Ph.D and Hadeel Assali

WORST MISTAKE MADE BY HPD: Arresting Ray Hill

In a year filled with boneheaded moves from HPD–from officers showing up to work tanked to the highly touted Blood Alcohol Content vans not working to covering up name tags and badge numbers at Occupy protests–perhaps the single stupidest move HPD could make was arresting a 71-year-old gay man. Arresting Ray Hill, one of the most outspoken and media savvy activists in Houston, on trumped up charges is a fast way to find yourself on the business end of a lawsuit. It seems like the arresting officer skipped the day at the academy when they mentioned that A: Security cameras are everywhere and B:  Ray Hill is one stubborn SOB who has no problems fighting it out in court for years to come. So as a public service announcement I offer this word of advice to any of Houston’s finest: unless you see Ray Hill really breaking the law, and I mean like murdering someone, don’t try and arrest him it’s only going to blow up in your face.

–Alex Wukman

WORST SON: You

Call your mother. She misses you. She cooked just for you. And now you let the food go bad and do not come to pick it up. Pick up the phone. Call your mother. Does she not have a son? Does she deserve this?

-Omar Afra

WORST ENEMY OF ‘SMALL BIZ’: City Permitting…

For the average out-of-pocket upstart business, it can take over a year of inspections and re-inspections and fees and trips back and forth from the permitting office before they get their doors open to start making money and hiring employees.  The city is nose deep in our business, literally. Use the wrong kind of screw, lose that round of inspections, wait for the next round, pay for another visit from an inspector. Want to put up a sign to advertise your location, at your location? Bend over and say ‘ah’ because that’s what it feels like dealing with the petty bullshit doled out to those who are attempting to better our local economy.

-Andrea Afra

WORST SOLIDARITY MOVEMENT: Palestine Solidarity Movement

Across the world, movements are winning important battles to condemn the apartheid policies of Israel, which has maintains a military occupation of the West Bank, Gaza, and Golan Heights, denies equal rights to Arab citizens of Israel, and denies the right for Palestinian refugees to return to their home in Israel. Houston is not one of these places where the Palestine Solidarity movement is winning much of anything. Twelve Texas House members have taken expenses paid trips to Israel including Gene Green (5 times), Sheila Jackson Lee (twice) and Pete Olson (twice), and Al Green (once). State Rep Debbie Riddle went to Israel and got a dog which she named after an elite Israel Defense Force infantry brigade. Annise Parker went to Israel and talked about how we can “apply Israel’s model in Houston.”

Even Radio for Peace Station KPFT gave a radio program to the Israeli consulate, and while a fight was made by many programmers, members, and community activists to get the station to condemn this decision and support the call for Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions made by Palestinian Civil Society, the majority of KPFT’s board chose to remain ‘neutral’ in time of great moral conflict. The Palestine Solidarity Movement in Houston was unable to get a radio station founded by pacifists and run by hippies to support Palestinian rights.

While there are commendable cultural activities related to Palestine, including the award winning Houston Palestine Film Festival, the movement to politically support Palestine in Houston of late, is primarily dedicated to protesting in front of the Galleria Starbucks.

– Rob Block

WORST FRIVOLOUS LAWSUIT BROUGHT AGAINST A CLUB OWNER: The Trial of Jim Pirtle

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that someone 10 feet away from a building didn’t fall out a second story window, but when Nathan Fischer’s lawyer presented her case in early December she thought jurors were really far from geniuses. I mean really, really far from geniuses. Donna Roth, Fischer’s attorney, tried to sue Pirtle for $12 million and 47 cents claiming that it was his fault her client ‘fell out of a window’ and, apparently, drifted all the way across the sidewalk. Roth didn’t even try and explain how this miracle of physics could have happened; instead she beat up on Pirtle and tried to build sympathy with the jury by playing up Fischer’s injuries. Perhaps the most egregious part of the lawsuit was the statement that nothing Fischer did or didn’t do contributed to him ‘falling out of a window,’ or more likely jumping off the roof. When he was brought in to the ER Fischer tested positive for cocaine and marijuana and had a blood alcohol content over three-times-the-legal-limit. In other words, he had enough to drink to be suffering severe motor impairment and a loss of consciousness and then decided to either go hang around a glassless third-floor window or go climb up on a roof, and Roth said it wasn’t his fault. That’s some mighty fine lawyer work. Fortunately, the jury thought the case was bullshit and dismissed it.

-Alex Wukman

WORST SHOT: The genius that opened fire with a .40 caliber rifle at Occupy Houston

This guy shows up to Occupy Houston around 5 pm on a Monday, wearing a suit and waving a rifle, fires a couple shots into the air, fires a shot into the pond, waves the gun around at the hapless hippies occupying, points his gun at the cops who arrive on the scene, then points it at his own head before the cops take him down.  He is expected to make a full recovery…in some local mental institution.  (This one “Worst Of,” we are happy to award–it’s a good thing this fool didn’t have better aim.)

-Harbeer Sandhu

WORST CASE OF OVER-PROMOTION: Free Press Summer Fest

Trust me, you are not the only one who tires of our constant over-promotion of this festival ( www.freepresssummerfest.com). After 5 months of pushing this event online, handing out hundreds of thousands of flyers, hanging posters, and telling people on the streets, we can’t bear to look at our own materials. Our cars become mobile storage sheds for these materials and we often wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats proclaiming the date and web url (www.freepresssummerfest.com). BTW, our next event is June 2^nd and 3^rd and is gonna be great. Get your passes now! (www.freepresssummerfest.com).

-Omar Afra

WORST UNION: Police officers union

I was told once that the difference between the police officers union and all other unions is that real unions tell their members; “We will support you in whatever you need as long as you don’t break the law” while police unions exist primarily to protect police members when they commit crimes and hurt people.

Most recently the police officers union has come out refusing to endorse republican District Attorney Pat Lykos, in opposition to her policy of bringing misdemeanor charges (instead of felony) in cases where there is less than 1/100 of a gram of drug residue.  To quote the blog Grits for Breakfast; “In other words, they want more tax dollars spent on police and jail staff to arrest and house more people on penny-ante paraphernalia charges. Of course they do. They are police unions.”

This policy was changed from the days when Chuck Rosenthal was District Attorney, and the Harris County Jail was sanctioned for violating inmates’ constitutional rights due to overcrowding, and we were paying astronomical fees to send inmates to Louisiana jails. That’s the kind of justice system that the police union wants- unethical, unconstitutional, and fiscally irresponsible.

– Rob Block

WORST REASON TO VISIT HOUSTON: Getting Shot in the Head By a Teabagger

We are glad that Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords continues to recover from her gunshot wound, and we are proud that local Houston doctors have been part of her remarkable recovery, but we hope she’ll come back and visit under more auspicious circumstances some time, too.

– Harbeer Sandhu

WORST RECYCLERS: You?
Drive down any Houston street on recycling day and you’ll see that maybe one out of five homes have utilized their green bins. Despite its downfalls of low frequency removal (twice a month doesn’t suffice for a family of four when you’re recycling correctly), low percentage of homes serviced, and refusal to pick up glass, all plastics, and Styrofoam, we’re lucky that our city provides this service. My old street once received a notice from the city threatening to have the recycling service revoked if more homes didn’t participate. Luckily people stepped up their game and no changes were made. One neighbor even puts a sign out ever other Monday to remind others that ‘Tuesday’ is recycling day.

Not to brag, but I have two green bins that are overflowing with recyclables bi-monthly, our main trash container is rarely more than halfway full.  I plan to call 311 to ask for another.  It’s that easy. Just call, give your address, and they’ll drop one off in a matter of days. I envy those streets that are part of the green polly-cart program, as I’d love to have one extra large container instead of dragging two or three smaller bins out to the street, spilling over with trash, but I called in to ask if the program was expanding and the answer at the time was ‘no.’

My new street has a dreadfully low participation rate in the recycling program. I plan on coming up with a creative way to encourage and inform my neighbors about taking advantage of this service. Maybe simply knowing others have noticed they aren’t recycling will prompt them to add it to their list of priorities. If they cared half as much about recycling as they do about not letting one damn stray leaf fall on their lawn, we’d be in business.

I understand that people are busy and if they aren’t accustomed to recycling, it’s simply too easy to forget.  But it’s also easy if you try.
-Andrea Afra

WORST ‘THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD’ MOMENT FOR SW MONTROSE: The impending demise of the Dunlavy Fiesta

The signage that recently appeared surrounding the shopping center containing Dunlavy Fiesta announcing that an exception was being sought to prevent the creation of cul-de-sacs at the current dead-ends of Sul Ross and Branard behind the shopping center.  The same exception was required during the development of the bloated and quasi-suburban HEB that currently blights the property across the street, and this would seem to confirm recent rumors published on Swamplot.com that Fiesta will soon go the way of Wilshire village, to be replaced by a ‘mixed use development’ comparable to the combination of yuppie hives and generic boutiques that currently disfigure much of mid-town.  Despite assurances from Fiesta store manager Barry Reichstein that the store lease extends well past the 2024 end date cited in the Swamplot piece, it seems that it is only a matter of time before most of Montrose is virtually indistinguishable from Kingwood, Pearland, or any other part of Houston’s cookie-cutter exurbs…

-M. Martin

THE WORST PODCAST THAT I LOVE: Free Press Podcast

When on the road, I live on podcasts. The Free Press Houston podcast is a low-fi piece of shit, one-microphone in the middle of a room full of guys (well, mostly guys) talking over one another, often in silly, cynical, sarcastic tones podcast – AND I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT IT! No place else can I stick a disc in my car, or hit a button on my computer, and hear more quality news, info, opinion and insight into my home town of Houston, Texas, USA – presented with the humor and irreverence I’ve come to expect from these homies.

-Guy Schwartz

WORST FRIEND: You

I left you a message. I texted you. I even tweeted. But you did not respond. Then I see you at Grand Prize hamming it up with everybody. I felt slighted. I tried my best to join in on the conversation but still felt inadequate. I bought everyone shots and you did not even say thank you. And then you ask for a ride home?

-Omar Afra

WORST LEGAL DOUBLESPEAK FROM A LAWYER: David Leebron

“Free Speech does not include the right to interfere with the expressions and ideas with which you disagree.  You will be escorted away from this forum for not respecting the fundamental principle of free speech within the university.”

— Rice President David Leebron, on November 10th, 2024, when Occupy Houston ‘mic-checked’ House Majority Leader Eric Cantor

As a former law professor, Leebron should aspire to correctly explain legal concepts.  Instead, addressing a room full of Rice students, he used an incorrect definition of the concept of freedom of speech to justify silencing people who came to speak out.

Yes, that’s the same guy who silenced KTRU on the FM dial.

Cantor had permission to speak because the university invited him. Knowing this, the protesters could do little more, non-violently, than to use their voices to delay his speech.  They bravely did so, were escorted out, and some were arrested.  The whole incident was edited out of the video provided by the University and subsequently used in the Houston Chronicle blog coverage.

Leebron asserted, as the president of the university that owns the room, the privilege of deciding which speakers do and don’t have rights there. This wasn’t about any right to freedom of speech; it was simply about property rights.   However, “we own this school and get to decide who speaks here” would have seemed a bit crude, so instead, he opted for some eloquent doublespeak.

Legally, of course, Cantor and those who interrupted him, have the exact same rights to free speech.  However, Rice’s President, with a police department, and a well-funded team of lawyers at his disposal, doesn’t have to worry about getting the law right.  He has the power to ignore it, or even twist it around backwards if he likes.

Similarly, Eric Cantor doesn’t have to worry that his positions on Israel violate international law — the United States has the power to issue exemptions.  Israel’s confirmed nuclear weapons won’t ever be discussed in the UN Security Council, but suspicions about Iran will.  Perhaps Leebron’s definition of freedom of speech is being used there as well.

-Nick Cooper

BEST/WORST PRE-PROTEST KICK-OFF: Butterfingers Bandit Robs Chase Bank

At 9:30 am on October 3, a woman walked into a Chase Bank branch with her hand in her purse, claimed she had a gun, and demanded money.  The teller handed her some cash, which she then dropped as she turned to walk out, so she cursed, picked it up, and went on her merry way, earning herself the moniker “Butterfinger Bandit” from the FBI.  Three days later, Occupy Houston kicked off with a polite, well-mannered, hapless demonstration outside the Chase Bank building downtown.  All traffic laws were obeyed, the polite bunch kept to the sidewalk and refrained from using curse words.

-Harbeer Sandhu

WORST RESTAURANT EXPLOSION: Hamburgers

Little Big’s, Five Guys, SmashBurger, Beck’s, Sparkle Burger, Itty Bitty Burger Barn, Bubba’s, Lucky Burger, Someburger … it goes on and on.  Some of them reasonably priced and good and some of them overpriced over-hyped chains, but one thing is for sure, there is just a hell of a lot of them. Google a map of Hamburgers in Houston and it looks like a city with Chicken Pox.  Honestly!  I like a hamburger as much as anyone but do we really need that many places that serve ground beef on a bun?  Are we really that uncreative?

-Ramon Medina
WORST WASTE OF SCREEN REAL ESTATE ON A MOBILE APP: Rick Perry and Houston Chronicle

The extensive coverage on Houston Chronicle’s mobile app (and website) dedicated to the flawed and farcical vanity candidacy of governor Rick ‘Goodhair’ Perry for the GOP presidential nomination.

There are at least three good reasons why this is nothing more than a pointless piece of suck-uppery to the benighted Teabaggers that make up a significant percentage of the Chron’s readership–unfortunately, I can’t currently remember what they are…

– M. Martin

WORST TREND TO COME TO LIGHT: Houston restaurants not paying their staff

It seems like it’s been going on for years. Houston restaurant owners treat their waiters and kitchen staff like little-more-than slaves and the response has always been “if you don’t like it, leave.” The list of alleged perpetrators includes some of the biggest names in Houston food circles. The first to make the news was Bruce Molzan, owner of Ruggles, who had his entire staff walk out because he allegedly owed them about $15,000 in back pay. Then it was Bombay Pizza, Blue Water Seafood, Hunan Chef on FM 1960 and Brasserie 19 for failing to pay overtime. And now Houston food icon, and Iron Chef contestant, Bryan Caswell has been sued. The suit alleges that Caswell and his business partners failed to pay overtime, incorrectly calculated hours worked and forced employees to participate in an invalid tip pool.

We all know it’s hard being a small business owner. That making payroll is tough and you’d rather give a person some money instead of firing them, but the problem is if you’re paying them by the hour and you’ve legally employed them you have to pay them everything they’re supposed to get. We’ve heard it all before: waiters and bartenders work for tips, it doesn’t matter how many hours they put in they are primarily paid by the customer. Sorry it doesn’t work like that. Once they sign employment documents they are legally an employee, not an independent contractor. And when a non-salaried employee goes over 40 hours in a workweek they are supposed to get time-and-a-half. Why is it so hard for independent restaurant owners to understand such a simple concept: pay your employees for the time they work. Hell, McDonald’s understands it. And when McDonald’s makes you look bad it’s time to start fixing your shit.

-Alex Wukman

WORST MISSED OPPORTUNITY BY GREEDY CRAP-BAG REAL ESTATE DEVELOPERS: Weingarten Realty

The decision by Weingarten Realty to fill in the old inclined floor and destroy the old theater fixtures in the former Bookstop and one-time Alabama Theater on S. Shepherd, after steadfastly refusing for months to even consider the possibility of leasing to Alamo Drafthouse or anyone else who might consider using the space for a film or theatrical venue.

Given the steady decline of venue-ready properties in inner city Houston and the evident glut of conventional retail space, there’s really nothing good that can be said about this.  It was briefly rumored that the space might be taken over by a local installment of Pacific Northwest alt grocery institution Trader Joe’s, but it now seems that suburban moms in The Woodlands will have the opportunity to pick up a bottle of Two Buck Chuck (which now cost three bucks–I know) long before the far more deserving residents of the ‘Trose.

-M. Martin

WORST NEWS FOR PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION ADVOCATES: Metro routes linked to TB outbreaks

It’s already hard to try and get people in Houston to give up their cars and take the bus and it only becomes harder when the Chronicle runs a story that a recent study found riders on certain Metro bus routes–the Chron didn’t say which ones–were being exposed to tuberculosis, most likely from other bus riders. TB can lead to a month long hospital stay and the need for four pills a day for six months, and it doesn’t seem like Metro is going to absorb those costs. With all the talk about reducing air pollution and creating public spaces it’s worth remembering that with the public comes public health risks.

-Alex Wukman

WORST TREND IN MUSIC DISTRIBUTION: Cassettes

Moving towards vinyl made perfect sense. It is a format of high audio quality, folks still own record players, and suddenly artwork was big again. But cassettes have none of these qualities. The only thing they have is kitsch. I hate kitsch.

-Omar Afra

WORST PUBLIC REACTION TO WHAT WAS ACTUALLY A PRETTY GOOD THING: Tie- The sale of KTRU and the opening of Montrose HEB

OH MY GOD, apostasy! How dare you attack local and independent music in favor of secretive deals by unhip bureaucrats? How could you defend the decision to replace decades old affordable housing with a giant mega-lo mart? When KUHF switched over to an all NPR station and sent the classical over to KUHA it became something that Houston has needed for years: a reliable, non-biased news source that broadcasts verified, and verifiable, information to people stuck in traffic. And it’s become even more relevant since 740 KTRH, formerly the city’s flagship news radio station, decided to become solely right wing talk. Yes we lost a station that played alternative and underground music but we gained one that covers national and international issues without sounding like World Net Daily or a liberal version of Rush Limbaugh. Also the Wilshire Village Apartments that were torn down to make way for HEB may have been cheap but they certainly didn’t qualify as affordable housing primarily because they weren’t available. It’s hard to defend the destruction of a series of buildings that were in a constant state of disrepair and were being mismanaged by a man who clearly had psychological problems. Conversely, it’s pretty easy to support the opening of a grocery store that has already forced competitors to improve their selection and shopping experience and lower their prices. Competition benefits consumers; more choices equal low prices and laws of supply and demand win out over nostalgia and fetishization of familiarity.

-Alex Wukman

WORST MISCONCEPTION ABOUT DRIVING IN HOUSTON: Slower is Safer

There is a simple equation that explains why it is not safer to drive slowly:  less time in car = less likely to be involved in a car accident.  Inversely, more time spent inside car = more likely to be involved in a car accident.  I don’t understand, in a city defined by sprawl, why all of you insist on driving under the posted speed limit on freeways (US 59, I-10, I-45, US 290, etc.) and on major city streets.  WHY?  Don’t you want to arrive at your destination?  Isn’t that the point of driving in the first place?  I don’t even need to be racist about this issue because every fucking one of you is super guilty of this.  Bottom line: Just go.

-Mills-McCoin

WORST PLACE TO FIND OUT INFORMATION ABOUT MONTROSE: Ultimate Montrose

Needless to say it’s not surprising that the Chronicle doesn’t really get what’s important to Montrose and uses the Ultimate Montrose blog to report about how Yates High School basketball is doing. For the record, most Montrosians don’t care about high school sports and Yates is in Third Ward by TSU, not in Montrose.

It’s also no surprise that the Chronicle thinks people in Montrose care about marriage announcements, charity donations or where the League of Women Voters will be holding their holiday reception. Spend a few nights in Montrose and you’ll see what we care about, and it isn’t the society page bullshit that makes it on Ultimate Montrose. How about reporting which bars got raided by the TABC or when city crews will be out fixing broken pipes? How about letting us know when a job fair is going to be held or what scholarships are available to people over the age of 21? Hell, how about telling us where we can find a social worker to help us navigate the complex maze of government assistance so we can see a dentist and get a Lone Star card. You know, stuff that matters on the street.

-Alex Wukman

WORST DEMISE OF A LOCAL BUSINESS: Sedition Books

Houston is a city that is fueled by individualism and entrepreneurial spirit. What this frequently means in practice is people not knowing or working with their neighbors, and an attitude that celebrates the rich and accomplished has no sympathy for the suffering of the poor.

A noble experiment, Sedition Books challenged this for a number of years in Houston. Sedition’s third and most successful location on Richmond Ave. near Montrose lasted for more than 3 years as a completely volunteer run bookstore and event space for anarchist and radical politics. They hosted films, speakers, and bands from across Houston, the country, and often other countries as well. Sedition advocated a different model of organizing society; horizontal instead of hierarchical, directly democratic and attempting to be inclusive. It was a place where many people were introduced to new ideas, and saw new typ

es of projects emerge, like the Anarchist Book Fair that took place at MECA in sixth ward in April of this year.

A variety of factors including high rent, and the lack of volunteers led to the closing of the Richmond location at the end of November. The lending library has migrated to the Dragon Valley Free School in Third Ward, and the Sedition crew continues to bring books to events and is looking for a new place.

-Rob Block

WORST HYPOCRISY: City policy towards tents at Occupy Houston versus tents at Black Friday

Seriously, protestors can’t have shelter but people queuing up for a discounted Xbox can? That’s possibly the most egregious example of bullshit to come forward in at least the last two months. And before anyone jumps on the private property versus public property band wagon it’s worth pointing out that many of the parks in Houston were donated to the city with caveats, and in at least one case the land was placed in to a situation that basically amounts to a trust and the city is simply the executor of the trust. So there is an argument that could be made that the surviving members of the families that donated or entrusted the land to the city should be consulted before policies preventing tents are enacted. Oh sure there’s ‘public health concerns’, that could be easily addressed by allowing port-a-lets in the park, but somehow those concerns don’t come up when people are camped in front of a Best Buy for a week to score a cheap TV.

-Alex Wukman

WORST FUTURE MOMENT IN A MAH JONG CIRCLE: Steve Thompson Jr.’s Aunt

I recently donated platelets for my aunt at MD Anderson.  She is really sick and requires several blood transfusions a week.  Luckily, she’s related to a virtual vital fluid Superman, as I learned when my platelets tested as a match for hers.  According to the doctors, the viability of my platelets was “off the charts,” something I took to mean I possessed a sort of life saving super power, and not at all what they tell every donor so they’ll come back.

My only concern is what’s going to happen now that I am part of her!  My cells are living and growing within her body!  We are one and the same!

What’s going to happen when all she wants to talk about in her Mah Jong group are boobs and college football?

– Steve Thompson Jr.

WORST BUS ROUTE: 34 Crosstown

A friend of mine said that the 34, which runs along Montrose between the Heights and the Museum District, exists in no useful dimension. When you wait it never comes and when you walk it comes right away. The idiosyncrasies of Schrodinger’s bus aside, the 34 has the worst schedule of any bus route inside the loop.  It only operates Monday-Friday until 7 p.m. and it doesn’t run on weekends. Metro seriously doesn’t think anyone in the Heights wants to come into or out of Montrose on a weeknight or that anyone in Montrose needs to go to the Heights on Saturday or Sunday? It’s a classic chicken and the egg problem: Metro says there isn’t enough ridership to warrant expanded hours but without expanded hours how can you estimate ridership? Hey Metro, I’m sure the cabbies running people from the Heights to Montrose and vice versa appreciate the business, it’s just a shame you don’t.

-Alex Wukman

WORST OSTENTATIOUS SCARFACE VILLA / PRETENTIOUS WINE AND COFFEE BAR: BACCHUS

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to visit one of those ostentatious Montrose loft townhomes?  Wonder no more!  Now you can go to Bacchus and experience the “high life” for yourself!  As if the imposing white exterior with primary color accents wasn’t enough to make it stick out in this neighborhood of traditionally humbler bungalows and cottages, if you miss the views of the sky that this monstrosity has choked out, step inside for a view of “Mediterranean” cloud frescoes that look like a third grader painted them.  Treat yourself to some of the Illy brand coffee that they brag about on their website–I understand it’s the Nescafe of Europe.  Word on the street is they’re about to sign a contract with a select winery that’s going to make them your only local connection for some of that fine fine Sutter Home vintage wine, too.

-Harbeer Sandhu

WORST SUMMER: Right here, 2024

Holy shit it was hot this past summer! I went though 5 bottles of medicated powder!

-Omar Afra

WORST RAIN DANCE: Rick Perry’s “The Response: A Call to Prayer for a Nation in Crisis”

While Rick Perry and his buddy’s from IHOP (no shit, they call themselves the International House of Prayer) led 30,000, yes, 30,000 clueless gun totin’ Bible thumpin’ diabetes patients in seven hours of fasting and prayer at the Reliant Stadium, praying for stuff like rain to help put out the wildfires that were swallowing swaths of central Texas where Perry had cut volunteer fire department budgets by 75%–at the same time that those measly 30,000 people were gathered for our collective deliverance (not counting Muslims, Jews, Sikhs, atheists, etc), no less than ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND people who’ve been shafted by the economy and school budget cuts showed up just a few miles away at the George R. Brown Convention Center for Houston Independent School District’s first annual Back to School Fest for free backpacks, school supplies, uniforms, haircut vouchers, immunizations and fresh produce.  So many people showed up to the Back to School Fest that they ran out of supplies and had to send people away by 10 am, after having opened less than two hours before.  Perry’s rain never came, and the drought and budget woes continue…

-Harbeer Sandhu

WORST CASE OF DIARRHEA: Mezban Indo-Pak Buffet

Mezban serves great food. This is no indictment of their food quality but rather an illustration of my over-indulgence. How much lamb curry, chicken korma, daal, and haleem can one man eat in a day? Only my colon knows.

-Omar Afra

WORST CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP: KBR Kids Day

This little-known event occurs at Buffalo Bayou Park every October and has, as it’s title sponsor, Kellogg, Brown & Root or KBR. Apparently no one at the Buffalo Bayou Partnership thinks letting a company with as questionable a history as KBR sponsor a day for kids is a bad idea. Sure the event looks like fun for the whole family, as long you don’t think about the Iraqi children who died so KBR could provide you and your kids a nice day in the park.

-Alex Wukman

WORST COPY-EDITING: Free Press Houston

WE have been trying to get it right for a long time. But when a small staff is faced with editing literally hundreds of thousands of words in such a short time period, we fuck up. We fuck up often. Either way, we feel we sometimes have substance and thank you for your patience with our editing. We are considering hiring someone a sophomore in high school to help us get better.

-Omar Afra

WORST OF HOUSTON FEATURE STORY

WORST COMPLICITY IN HOUSTON’S WORST CRIME:

Houston Press aids and abets human sex trafficking

By Amanda Hart

EDITORS NOTE: This was obviously a hard decision to make as to whether or not to go ahead with publishing this story. First and foremost, it is hard to appear objective when writing about another newspaper that folks would perceive as a ‘competitor’. Secondly, I have many long-time friends who work over at Houston Press that I admire and respect and this article has no bearing on the great work they do.  I am also a customer of Houston Press where I regularly advertise Fitz shows, Free Press Summer Fest, Houston Palestine Film Festival, etc.  I can further illustrate my own hypocrisy by telling you that I have spent tens of thousands of dollars with them all the while having a moral qualm with the issue described here in the following article. Because in 100 years I am sure that when historians describe the worst of injustices that flourished in Houston Texas, human trafficking and its link to the sex trade will top the list. This story is the 500 pound gorilla in the room. And Houston Press and other media organizations complicity comprises but one component in this 3 dimensional clusterfuck. But we have no illusions that such complicity is based on some dark, malevolent plan orchestrated by the illuminati but rather a failure to examine the status quo for what it is. So I would ask that readers open their hearts and minds to the plight of these trafficked women.

For years now, I have ignored a rather disturbing reality that exists within our community. I, like most people, would pick up the Houston Press every Thursday and read up on what was going down that week. And every week I would do the same thing, reach a certain page in the paper and refuse to look any further for fear of having to face the reality that exist within the back pages of the Houston Press. It was as if my decision to refuse to flip any further somehow resolved me of any guilt or responsibility. So instead of browsing the pages that were lined with stock photos of women that are for sale, I would stop after I had reached the end of the music section. It was just easier this way. Then earlier this year, I attended a human trafficking education summit and was forced to analyze the ways in which my community and I perpetuate the trafficking and sale of women and their bodies. The Houston Press was brought up in the discussion and the wall I had created that separated me from reality was quickly dismantled. I went home that night and forced myself to begin the process of exploring human trafficking and how it is directly linked to Houston and specifically the Houston Press.

I started my research with the most obvious of offenses: massage parlors. Many of the women who are serving time in these facilities were brought from overseas here under false pretenses ( many from poverty-stricken South Asian countries like Vietnam and Thailand ) and are forced into prostitution through physical and mental abuse. Their families are threatened, their identities are stripped and they all lack vital resources that keep them perpetually held in this vicious cycle. The women accrue an inflated debt due to travel expenses and room and board that they proceed to pay off by working 12 to 24 hour days in the parlors. Their captors move them every few weeks (while adding to their debt for each move) to keep them disoriented with their surroundings and each other. After their debt is repaid and their time is served, they are “set free.” If you were one of these women and at 2 AM you were locked out with no money, a limited knowledge of the native language and not even the basic knowledge of what fucking city you are in, what would you do? One could hope that they find some help or, better yet, burn the building down. But that is not how the sex industry world works, and the reality is these women end up begging their captors to let them back in. These same women are being advertised every week in the backpages of the Houston Press. While I understand that times are tough and the Houston Press and their parent company, Village Voice Media, are doing what they have to do so they can get by, I have to ask them, and myself,  “Is it worth it?”

It is no secret that Village Voice Media and the Houston Press make some serious cash through ad space bought by the sex industry. Village Voice Media owns and operates the website Backpage.com and since Craigslist closed their adult service section in September of 2024, Backpage.com has picked up where they left off. According to James Rainey of the LA Times, “A Village Voice executive, who asked not to be named for revealing confidential information, said that Backpage.com, where online escort ads and the like go for about $10 each, produces at least one-seventh of the company’s revenue.” This is a million dollar industry that is making its earning off the backs and twats of women. Village Voice has stated that they are protected under the first amendment and while they sort of acknowledge the terrible shit their ad space is used for, their stance is that they cannot be held accountable for it. In that same LA Times article. Steven Suskin, Village Voice’s Lawyer, is quoted as saying, “Criminals send drugs through Federal Express but we don’t eliminate FedEx just because a few criminals do that.”  ( Eds note: This is a bullshit defense and parallel because FedEX does not knowingly accept packages with drugs in them whereas papers like HP are very well aware of the services offered at massage parlors and the conditions the women are in. ) Oh well Mr. Suskin, I totally see your logic in comparing mailing drugs through the mail and the sell of women and children on the internet. Thank you for clearing all the confusion up for me.  You are safe in the eyes of the law but I have to ask, isn’t there some sense of morality that you seem to be lacking? If you know that the money you are taking from massage parlors is the same money that holds those women captive, wouldn’t your moral compass send a fucking bat signal telling you this is beyond fucked up? And massage parlors are just one aspect to this enigma. That does not include the “prostitutes” and “escorts” that are also being trafficked through your pages and let us not forget the underage girls that seem to be popping up periodically with accusations that you knowingly allowed their pimps to take out ads on them. And while I agree that the pimps and traffickers are really at fault for their disgusting behavior, you need to take responsibility for making money off of the sales. I mean, you can’t actually think that you in no way are a part of this whole underworld. You are the link between the supply and demand. And let’s just be honest with each other, you can claim you are protecting first amendment rights all you want but what it really comes down to is money. I understand that you are a business and you do need money to exist but I would hope that you would rather cease to exist than to make your millions off of ads that sell human beings.

Every week, ads like this are featured in Houston Press that contain subtle language which indicate sexual services are offered. Stock photos of Asian women are re-used for different ‘massage parlors’.

Village Voice over the last year began their own human trafficking investigative series entitled “The Truth Behind Sex Trafficking,” in which multiple lengthy articles were printed in an attempt to debunk sex trafficking. Their main concern was the trafficking of minors and they went all FOX news on our ass and even created an interactive map. But, of course, this was all an attempt to shed light on sex trafficking and had absolutely nothing to do with the money they stand to make off of convincing people that sex trafficking is not really happening. It started with a ridiculous fight between Village Voice and Ashton Kutcher. Yep, you read that right. Village Voice posted a five page article directed at fucking Ashton Kutcher. I love that this was indeed their jumping off point in regards to such an intense subject. But either way, the article proceeded to debunk a claim that Kutcher made on CNN in July. “It’s between 100,000 and 300,000 child sex slaves in the United States today,” Kutcher said. The only problem with their attempt to debunk Kutchers claim is that they themselves used faulty “junk science” to do so. While I agree that the numbers that Kutcher touted were misconstrued, it does not mean that a good solution is to in turn do the exact same thing in an attempt to make a point. What VVM proceeded to do was spend a few months combing through arrest records in 37 cities looking for juvenile prostitution arrest. Once they pulled their own numbers (826 arrest per year) they then compared them to the numbers Kutcher claimed and from there attempted to downplay a very real problem that exist not just within the states but particularly in Houston. There are so many things wrong with this attempt to figure out the magnitude that is under age trafficking. For starters, VVM only looked at actual arrests. I can’t even begin to fathom why they would think that looking at arrests would somehow give them the magical number.

As if only people who are arrested and charged with marijuana possession are the only ones smoking weed. Come on now, you have to have a better schematic than that. Not only that, but one would also have to assume the underage girls that were processed in no way lied about their age. Because we all know that if a 16 year old is picked up by the police for fucking prostitution the first thing she is going to do is tell them her real name and age. Also, it is well known that in many cases these girls are not actually charged with prostitution but with something more along the lines of drug possession, running away or petty larceny, which means they were not entered into the system under the title of teen prostitute. There is also the factor that in some cases the girls are properly identified from the beginning and are never entered into the criminal system at all and are instead taken to a facility that will help locate their parents or find other sources of help for them. Once again, not ending in an arrest that could have been cataloged by the geniuses at VVM who came up with this ridiculous calculation. In the article VVM also makes the claim that police departments seem to have the issue under control. This is beyond laughable when you understand how the system really works. In Houston there are a handful (and by “handful” I mean 5) of officers who are dedicated to human trafficking. Not only does the city not have a handle on human trafficking, they don’t have the manpower or the money to even properly train officers on how to identify and handle such cases. The gist of the article claims that non profits are misleading people with these numbers (100,000 – 300,000) in an attempt to receive federal funding to keep their nonprofits going. It is interesting that the same company that stands to make millions off of this industry is calling out non profits for using misleading numbers in an attempt to gain financial security. What is that saying about a pot calling a kettle black?

I will say that I do believe that religious zealots are on a witch hunt and they want VVM dissected and on a platter. They are calling for VVM to close down the entirety of the adult advertisements. While I might have an issue with the massage parlors’ sale of minors and women who have been forced into prostitution being sold on their site, I do think there has to be a better way to solve the issue without closing the ad space completely. For starters, massage parlor ads have got to go. There is no debating that this shit is just fucked up. VVM has got to do more in regards to filtering through their ads and making sure to remove and pull all ads that are soliciting the sale of minors. If you are going to make the decision to profit from it you need to also invest in the proper precautions to keep the ad space as safe as possible. Writing articles about how human trafficking is really just a “boogey man” and not a real threat or reality is not only bad journalism but just makes you shitty human beings and this is why you are at the top of my Worst of Houston list.

-Amanda Hart

The Mathletes

Saturday night had some pretty decent options.  Bummerfest looked like a hoot but I ended up deciding to go to Fitz for the Mathletes album release just because, as it should be apparent from my two-part interview last week with Joe Mathlete, I’m pretty enamoured by the new album, Excalibur.  I got there pretty early just after the doors opened and found these two guys in the back…

Preparing for a second night at Fitz!

I was sitting back, talking with a few people about stuff like how B L A C K I EE’s amp caught fire at Friday night’s show and these two dudes just sat there with their head on that table for at least 30 minutes.  When they walked by I said, “Man, you dudes don’t look to good.”

“Oh, uhhh.  It’s our second night at Fitz.  We were here last night.”

AWESOME!  Now that is dedication! 

FISHBOY

Round 1 – Fishboy Vs. Kanye West. Kanye, a no show.

Can your keyboardist do THIS?

First up was Denton’s Fishboy.  Fun, quirky indie pop with a vocalist who sings with this nerdy nasally voice.  The thing that stunned me is how, despite the fun upbeat songs, nobody was dancing.  That’s OK, the keyboardist made up for everyones chill.  Someone called them, in a complimentary tone, Joe Mathlete Junior.  I think that is a pretty apt comparison given the songs about robots and goofy stuff like that, plus the bassist liked like the son of Alan Moore and Jaron Lanier which is a pretty awesome look.  The band’s set, being billed at Fishboy VS. Kanye West,  also had the best running joke of the evening:

” Ladies and Gentlemen, Kanye West.  Ummm, Kanye West….where’s Kanye?”

“Oh he said he’s running late.”

Of course Kanye never showed and his spokespeople never replied to our request for an explanation.  I think we know who won that showdown.

WHIT STRIPS

Jack Vs. Meg… errr Chris Cascio VS Hearts of Animals (Mlee Marie)

OK it was more Chris vs his effects, vs his cables, vs the microphone….

The Whit Strips (the Chris Cascio & Mlee Marie White Stripes cover band) was billed as a Chris Cascio Vs. Hearts of Animals but it was more Chris Cascio vs. the world.  The set was pretty awesome ( I mean c’mon it’s a whole set of awesome White Stripes tunes) and Mlee’s drums sounded like John Bonham heavy (kudos to the sound lady on emphasizing the kick drum) but the show was dominated by Chris’s bratty stage persona.  Watch as Chris gets flustered with his cables.  Oh my god, is that Mic stand too loose?  What will he do?  Why is the world against him?  Marvel as Mlee keeps a steady beat to try to get Chris back on track.  It’s pretty bratty stuff that I find hilarious.  Some small little detail that nobody would else even care about and Chris just goes into his best early career Nicholas Cage freak out.  I know this was just a small part of the entire set but all I am saying someone should collect these and release a compilation of Chris stage freaks out and contact Ecstatic Peace to release it.  It would be awesome like that Venom 7″ they put out years ago with all the stage banter of “YOU GUYS ARE WILD! WIIIILD!!!” except it would be two sides of all “UGH!”, “STUPID CABLES!”, “GAAAAAHHHH!’, and the like. Just sayin’.

 WIGGINS VS. B L A C K I E

I will defeat you B L A C K I E

Wiggins, I will fuck your shit up!

Foolish B L A C K I E, I have Giant Princess under my control! Colin Dispose of him!

NOOOO!!!!!

B L A C K I E is free! Rise my friends! Defeat the Wiggins!

You won this round B L A C K I E, but I'll be back! Bwahaha!

OK, maybe it didn’t go down like that but it was a pretty awesome Vs. set with Wiggin’s fucked up crazy indie pop vs. the balls-out aggression of B L A C K I E.  At one point I said, “Man, can’t Michael show some mercy to John and just take it down a notch.  It just doesn’t feel fair.”

“I’ve known him since the third grade; he can never take anything down a notch but I think John can hold his own.”

 Tru dat and sure enough John did.  In fact the juxtaposition of the two sets perfectly complimented each other with this push of B L A C K I E and the pull of the Wiggins going back and forth, giving each a dynamic that neither would normally have alone.  Winner of this round, the audience.

GIANT PRINCESS VS. BABYSHOWERS

Giant Princess – never has there been a truer slacker band

Babyshowers of awesome indie rock.

Giant Princess seconds before they exploded on stage.

Babyshower/Woozy Helmet's Jay Crossley – too much man for just one band.

The next Vs. was pretty awesome.  Giant Princess was in fine form and and Jay Crossley’s newest project Babyshowers was rip-roarin good. Unfortunately, it was here that I realized that I had the wrong (smaller) SD card in my camera and I was maxed out on pics.  So I spent most of this set, deleting pictures to make space on the card and then, trying to figure out where I misplaced my phone.  

HE THAT WILL NOT BE NAMED

KTRU to the Rescue!!!!

Wasting the Giant Princess/Babyshowers set with my camera and my phone issues was made even more lame because the next set was….well let’s just not name names and say that it was obviously something that was going for the “so bad, it’s great” aesthetic but just stayed in the bad and never changed course for the entire set.    It was one of those sets where you felt you were “on the clock” as a music writer.  At one point, though, I realized it wasn’t going to get any better – it was just going to be bad, and stay bad.  It was the kind of bad that is so bad that it hurts your feelings.  It’s the kind of bad that makes you count every second of your life being stolen.  If you could imagine Hell’s worst community theatre troupe, they would be entirely watchable in comparison to this.  It’s the kind of bad that leaves you like a deer int he headlights until you remember you have the free will to just walk away from it all and escape to the KTRU DJ’s upstairs.   Thank you KTRU!

THE MATHLETES

Joe Mathlete getting all rock and roll!

Sheri Jennings, Joe Mathletes newest Mathletic foil.

It's not a Mathletes show without a gaggle of people on stage.

Goodnight Mathletes, you done good.

The Mathletes closed out pretty damn well. Playing as a four piece for half and an expanded six-piece for the second half, the band tore through material from the new album as well as older material.  Old songs like Pinnochiobot were a gas to hear and the band played it like they were on fire but I have to admit, I always think that song benefitted best from the crazy Mathletes “orchestra” days; back when Joe had a full on horn section to really drive that riff home.  Yet, I found myself driving home humming “Da    DaDa   DaDaDaDaDa   Da   Dee  Da” so don’t take that as anything more than a minor quibble.  Kudos to Joe’s newest female foil, Sheri Jennings, who’s keyboards and vocals really were a perfect compliment to Joe’s.  Also, Mlee Marie’s contributions on vocals (the excellent “I’ll be your shoe”), keyboards, sax, and guitar couldn’t be ignored.  I’ve always liked the fact that Joe has always been smart enough to have strong women musicians in the Mathletes and generous enough to not hog the spotlight.  That is way cool in my book.  The set closed with my favorite of the album, “Elephants and Hummingbirds” and with its upbeat melody, heartfelt lyrics, and the band at full force, it was a great way to end the evening.  Well done Mathletes.  Well done Joe.

(You can see more pictures from the show here.)

For some reason a Googe Image Search for "University of Houston budget" turns up pictures of The Situation. I'm not sure what the meta data is trying to say here.

By Alex Wukman

Good news for all the gamers and wannabe game developers in Houston, the University of Houston has inked a deal with Sugarland based TimeGate Studios to construct a motion capture studio in Ft. Bend County. The details of the agreement requires UH to buy the motion capture equipment, which will be hosted at TimeGate’s Sugarland headquarters, and TimeGate will provide “space and the commercial talent to operate the studio.”

This will now be brougt to you by UH

Oh and TimeGate is supposed to offer “training and mentoring for student interns,” the press release doesn’t get too far into the details of the deal, like how much money UH will be spending or how many interns will be able to work at TimeGate’s UH’s new image capture lab or what they will be able to do, which is sad. It seems odd that UH would want to spend money in such a questionable manner when they are pleading poverty.

Just three weeks ago UH President Renu Khator testified before the Texas Legislature that budget cuts proposed by Governor Rick Perry would result in a 20 percent tuition hike, which would come on top of austerity measures already being considered by the UH Board of Regents that include the elimination of some programs and positons. Dr. Khator testimony came just a few days short of the one year anniversary of a “Day of Action” that protested another proposed hike in tuition.

By 2024 UH will have a top tier medical school, new football stadium and applied genetics laboratory, to get it they'll just close the physics, chemistry and art departments and raise tuition 150 percent

As local activist Rob Block told Channel 13 from 1990 to 2024 tuition increased from $20 per credit hour to $40 credit hour and then from 2024 to 2024 it went from $40 to $180 per credit hour. It’s worth noting that the average class at UH is 3 credit hours which means that in 1990 taking a required course that has 3 credit hours, like Freshman Composition, cost $60, in 2024 it cost $120 and in 2024 it cost $540.

UH’s decision to spend university money on an image capture lab that will be hosted in the offices of a private corporation comes a year after the administration asked employees to take an unpaid furlough, for the first time in the administration’s history. The $1 million saved in salaries on the day off was part of a plan to trim 5 percent from the school’s budget, other options explored included cutting office supplies, travel and cell phone allowances.

Surprisingly, no one thought to eliminate the $10 million that was going to be used in a controversial purchase of a radio station, that is expected to lose $1 million per year, from proposed expenditures as a way to save money.

Gather around you fellow haters, cynics, and video game store clerks and bask in the hate that is our annual ‘Worst of Houston 2024’; a collection of the worst antics of 2024 in Houston and even beyond! Be forewarned, we pull no punches here and call em’ like we see them.  So if you are included on this list, take it not as a stab but rather a nudge to change your actions and work towards a better tomorrow. We know we will. McCoin, you are fired!

– Illustrations by Michael C. Rodriguez

Worst Invasion of Privacy: Red light cameras vs.  DHS cameras

While Houston voters went to the polls and rejected red light cameras November 2nd, the city of Houston was quietly continuing with the installation of some 250-300 outdoor video surveillance cameras throughout the downtown area.  This money for this project, costing upwards of 14 million dollars, came from The Urban Area Security Initiative funds doled out annually by Homeland Security.  Is there really that much going on downtown that we need 300 cameras to watch it?  Are there even 300 intersections downtown?  Responding to public concerns that these cameras constitute an invasion of privacy, Dennis Storemski, the city’s director of the Office of Public Safety and Homeland Security said all the cameras are in public spaces where people should be aware that their actions are not private.  “We live in an age right now where there’s really no expectation that there
would be no video in a public space.”   Thanks Dennis Storemski for letting me know privacy is dead, I almost missed the memo!  It’s a good thing for the City of Houston that Homeland Security expenditures aren’t up for public vote; I think we know how Houstonians would side on this issue.

– Tish Stringer

Worst Cocktail:  Anvil

Some basil-y, gin and fruit crap one of the guys from Anvil made me drink.

-Brandon Young

Worst Display of Selfishness: Getting married on a holiday weekend

Who do you think you are? If everyone was as selfish as you holidays wouldn’t even exist. Or in the fall during football season. Nothing says romantic wedding like forcing your friends and loved ones to feign interest in something they’ve seen a hundred times and then to spend their time at the reception watching the game with the waiters on the ballroom kitchen TV.

Also, black tie weddings. What are we, in the Great Gatsby? Your butler called. He thinks you’re a douche.

–Stephen Thompson

Worst City Council Member: Mike Sullivan

Mike Sullivan, the City Council Member for District E, is the kind of guy that waits until the last minute to call his Mayor informing her that he is switching his vote on the matter of an unpaid seat on the seven-member Port of Houston Authority.  He’s the kind of guy that thinks preserving historic buildings violates property owner’s rights. He’s the kind of guy that looks out for taxicab companies because the Green Initiative reminds him of a sinus infection from his childhood.  He’s the kind of guy that doesn’t really know what he’s doing; but he knows if he votes against HPD budget cuts then people will like him… but he doesn’t know that those are the stupid people.  Mike Sullivan has a unique condition called Spineless Cowardism and basically his mouth is a butthole.

– Mills-McCoin

Worst Political Screw-up: Red Light Camera vote

The reason why this is a screw-up isn’t about whether or not red light cameras do anything but raise money for HPD, nor is it about who bankrolled which campaign. It’s about the fact that the vote was completely unnecessary. The contract with American Traffic Solutions was going to expire in 2024 and all Houston City Council had to do was not renew it and the cameras would have come down. Instead a proposition was placed on the ballot and now the city is involved in a lawsuit to determine whether a contract supersedes the will of the people and whether the city will have to pay money it doesn’t have to get out of a contract the citizens didn’t think it should have entered into in the first place.

-Alex Wukman

Worst Place to Buy Produce: Any grocer but Fiesta

I love my little Fiesta. I get 2 or 3 bunches of cilantro for a buck, beautiful Persian cucumbers for $1.89 a pound, gorgeous juicy pears at three for a dollar. The last time I went to Kroger limes were 4 for a dollar, lemons nearly a buck a pound, and they didn’t even have cilantro. H-E-B laughably asks nearly double the cost for all of their produce and Central Market is for people who seek status elevation for paying more for less.

-Andrea Afra

Worst Case of Too Little, Too Late: DeLay’s delayed conviction

Even though the photo in the Chron of Tom DeLay–snapped moments after being found guilty– was almost worth putting up with the man for 30 years (oh, that stricken, pissed-off look…visions of prison showers, like sugar plums, a-dance in his head), it was no where near enough, and no where soon enough.  Even discounting the possibility of a pardon from Governor for Life, Secessionist, and hair model  Rick Perry, the odds of “The Hammer” getting hammered up his jammer in the slammer are pretty remote–he’ll likely get the minimum sentence, do token time in the Oil Executive wing of one of Texas’s many fine prisons, and then begin a new career as either a televangelist or a ballroom dance instructor.  And in any case, with the Citizens United Decision, the U.S. Supreme Court has made DeLay’s little money laundering scheme irrelevant and unnecessary anyway.

– M.Martin

Worst  Interviewee:  Roy Mata

C’mon Holmes, I sent you questions like 4 months ago and you promised to send over the answers. I thought we were friends?

– Omar Afra

Worst Southern Hospitality: Chevron
As a multinational company with operations in more than 180 countries, Chevron hosted their shareholders meeting here in Houston this year. People from Ecuador, Nigeria, Colombia, Indonesia, Angola, Burma, Australia, Thailand, Kazakhstan, Canada, Texas, California, Alaska, Wyoming came to talk about the impacts that Chevron has had on their communities. Impacts like probing up dictatorships, contaminating water and air, displacing people to build pipelines and causing terrible impacts on human health. Chevron showed their hospitality by not letting any of these people in. They barred more than 30 people, many who came from other continents, from attending this shareholders meetings, where they had stock, and came from communities who are impacted by Chevron’s operations. If you look at the Chevron website you might believe their public relations about how “Oil companies should support communities they are part of.” But judging them by their actions makes it clear that they would be happy to grind up the bones of children if they could sell it to you to power your car.

–Rob Block

Worst Question Asked Annually: When is it going to be winter?

Every year of my life I’ve heard the same questions this time of year: When is going to get cold? What is up with this weather? Clip this out and give it to a newcomer to our town, or save it before you ask yet again next year: Houston weather is fucked up because it revolves around our wardrobes. As soon as you dig out your jacket and scarves, it gets hot again. And just when you think it’s safe to wear that mini-skirt on a balmy November eve, BAM! Icy cold fingers of air be stroking your thighs. Verdict: Thread smartly and carry a light cardigan.

–Andrea Afra

Worst Houston Use of Facebook Invites: Musicians Inviting Me to Vote for Their Band

I’m pretty sure it’s still illegal to be a WHORE in Houston, which is why I was stunned this year to find my Invite Box on Facebook brimming with pathetic invitations from musicians beseeching me to vote for them in the wildly prestigious Houston Press Music Awards.  How falsely pretentious can you be, “inviting me” to vote for you?  For shame.  But as much as this is intended to be a complaint, it’s really a “thank you” to all of the artists and bands that carried out this atrocious act.  Thank you for making it the easiest decision in the world NOT TO VOTE FOR YOU.  Stop social networking your music and spend time crafting it, please.  Don’t choose to achieve cheap success in art.  That ruins the point.

– Mills-McCoin

Worst Attack on a Vital Houston Resource: Rice University

Most high thanks and praise be to President David Leebron of Rice University, the Board of Governors, VP for Public Affairs Linda Thrane, and all the unknown little people for all their efforts to destroy the vital cultural asset that is KTRU 91.7 FM.  Kudos on using secrecy and deception to educate your students on Rice'”unconventional” values. Houston has really gotten way too “interesting”, what with all that non-commercial student-run locally produced eclectic radio programming available.  KTRU dangerously gives a voice to local artists & bands, music venues & art spaces, helping “the scene”, and playing the music of Houston’s shifty ethnic minorities.  I certainly wouldn’t want to live in a place where the music and information I heard on the radio wasn’t pre-approved by someone in Los Angeles or Washington, D.C.  And heck, Rice students don’t need all that responsibility and all those leadership opportunities anyway!  Isn’t it just as good if they tweet their mixtapes to all their Facebook friends?

Also, big thanks to the University of Houston for valuing “Tier One” status so much higher than its regard by the Houston community, even though having two FM radio stations has nothing to do with attaining that status.  Also, good job on reducing broadcast coverage for all those rich classical music loving donors from 100,000 watts to a mere 50,000.  That should make getting $10 million of additional donations to pay off that taxpayer-backed bond easy as pie, even though apparently KUHF has had enough trouble meeting its existing targets lately.  Great team effort, Rice & UH; bring on the blandness!

– The Machine
savektru.org

Worst Use of a Publication as a Facilitator of Human Trafficking  and Prostitution: Houston Press

Look, I am no puritan.  Also, I have some close friends at Houston Press and respect what they do. Yet, the last portion of the paper that features the ‘Massage and Spa ads’ is rife with young Asian girls who are here against their will and working often to pay their way. But their work ultimately involves getting raped several times a day. No one knows more than me how hard it is for print publications to make revenue these days in this digital age but there must be some code of ethics here, guys. And ignorance is no excuse.  It is no secret what happens at these places and what the conditions are. HPD simply does not have all the resources to bust the endless amount of ‘Massage Parlors’ and the laws are not adequately set up to prosecute the pimps as opposed to the prostitutes. Two years ago, three ad reps at the Orlando Weekly were arrested and charged with Racketeering  for knowingly profiting from prostitution. They have since cut such ads from the paper. Not a bad idea.

– Omar Afra

Worst Greenwashing of Dirty Food: Ruggles Green

Grass Fed Beef and “Natural” Turkey, Buffalo, Chicken and Pork may sound natural and healthy, but unfortunately for anyone who really wants to help the environment and avoid toxins, commercially produced meat and dairy can’t go very far.  As for the “Gulf Coast Crab,” and
the “Wild-Caught Shrimp,” for me, the only green image that comes to mind is BP’s logo.  It’s good that they use sustainable furnishings, but the problems caused by the meat on their menu far outweigh any benefits.  Meat production, even so-called “natural” meat production,
is contributing about 70% of climate destroying gases according to the latest study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. If you want a green lunch, there are some veggie options at Ruggles Green, but as for the meat options on the menu, Ruggles is greenwashing dirty food.

– Nick Cooper

Worst New Piece of Public Art: The James A. Baker III monument

I always take visitors to Houston to see our worst piece of public art (The George Bush monument) directly across from our best piece of public art (Big Bubble by Dean Ruck) on opposite sides of the Preston Avenue bridge downtown.  “The Commons” in Sesquicentennial Park also
became the site of a new 1.2 million dollar piece of public art unveiled just before Halloween this year, The James A. Baker III monument.  (Incidentally, North Carolina sculptor Chas Fagan created both the Bush statue and the new Baker addition. Buy local anyone?) Placed directly across Buffalo Bayou from George, the two larger than life bronze statues gaze longingly at each other across the slow moving waters.

Welcome to Houston’s art scene, James “The government shouldn’t overreact to corporate scandals” Baker.  You who watched the September 11 attacks at the Ritz-Carlton with the Bin Laden family.  You who is defending the Saudi’s against a trillion-dollar lawsuit brought forth by the September 11 families.  You who led the campaigns of the last four Republican presidents, Bush’s personal envoy in charge of restructuring Iraq’s $132 billion in debt, senior counsel for the Carlyle Group, violator of the Geneva Convention by destroying the civilian infrastructure of Iraq in Gulf War I, spokesperson for the Bush administration in its successful attempt to halt the vote recount in Florida, who as Counsel for Intelligence Policy prepared all applications for electronic surveillance and physical search under the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act and advised the CIA, the FBI,
and the Defense and State Departments.

What is the message of these works, that our children should aspire to grow up to oversee wars waged across the world against people poorer, browner and less consumer driven then ourselves?  That they should grow up to fight injustice perpetrated against giant corporations by
the lowly workers?  Given its proximity to Allen’s landing, I propose a statue in honor of José Campos Torres be erected in “The Commons”. Or any number of other worthy Houstonians such as: Mickey Leland, Barbara Jordan, Carl Hampton, Lightening Hopkins, Ray Hill, The Camp
Logan Rioters, or what about Beyoncé?

-Tish Stringer

Worst Sports Team: Everyone Sucks

Pick one- Texans, ‘Stros, Rockets, Dynamos, the fucking Aeros, Longhorns, Cougars, the Sharts (my softball team), etc. The list goes on and on. This has probably been the worst year of sports in Greater Houston’s much maligned history. It’s like God is paying us back for Enron and Tom Delay. At this point our emotions are more fragile than… Yao Mings foot? Drayton McLane’s ego? Our nonexistent defensive secondary? Really, the fact there are so many ways to rip on our city’s athletic organizations pretty much sums it up.
Side note- are the Dynamo even bad? I just assumed they were because they’re a Houston team in 2024 but as of press time I couldn’t give two shits to look them up.

–Stephen Thompson

Worst Venue: House of Blues

Fuck you. You still suck. I mean, have you still not gotten the point yet?

‘Worst Drink Prices 2024’, ‘Worst Sound Guy 2024’

-Marini van Smirren

Worst Inconvenience: Lack of Downtown Walmart

I don’t know about you guys, but nothing pisses me off more than there not being a Walmart downtown. Seriously, come on. At 4:30 in the morning, when I need avocados, condoms and a hammer, I don’t want to have to drive 30 minutes to the nearest Walmart to acquire my consumer needs. Yeah, they’re opening one in the Heights, but why don’t they just seal the deal and slap one downtown? Summer Fest would look mighty fine with the Walmart logo right there in skyline.

-Anonymous

Worst Arts Coverage: Free Press Houston

Recently, Jason Nodler of Catastrophic Theater helped me realize something critical. Our arts coverage is sorely lacking. For God’s sake, we only have one page to work with in a 36 page paper!  With all the great art and performance happening in this city there is now way we could fit it all on one page. That is why come our February issue we will be expanding the arts section to 2 ENTIRE PAGES! Put that in your pipe and smoke it Nodler!  But seriously, thanks Jason.

– Omar Afra

Worst Houston Sports Bar: 360 Sports Lounge on Washington Ave.

If by some horrible misstep you find yourself on a date with a Kardashian and she wants to go to a sports bar then head directly to 360 Sports Lounge.  While there are many giant TV’s to watch the game on, the Kardashian can also enjoy one of the TV’s screening the season finale of “Project Runway” or some such other travesty not pertaining to sports at all.  If being a douchebag is a competition then 360 Sports Lounge is waving the championship trophy over its head like an idiot.  A proper sports bar consists of gritty fans, greasy food and ungodly amounts of alcohol.  Oddly colored drinks served in triangle glasses instead of a tumbler have no business in a sports bar; and neither do people afflicted with Ed Hardy.

– Mills-McCoin

Worst Bureaucracy: Texas Workforce Commission

I understand that there are millions of people out of work, but for it to take a month to process an unemployment claim and six weeks to receive the first payment is ridiculous. People can lose their homes and in the amount of time it takes a faceless clerk to “investigate” whether or not they lost their job for a legitimate reason. The appeal process is even worse, no documents are allowed to be presented its all done over a conference call which makes it difficult to tell if your former employer is being honest with the Commission’s chosen representative. However, the worst part of the TWC isn’t how they handle people who have applied for assistance but how they spin actual unemployment statistics. As the financial crisis has continued the TWC has kept putting out cheery upbeat news releases touting how many jobs were created in sectors like leisure and hospitality without stating whether those jobs pay a salary that will allow people to be able to afford to purchase anything more than the bare necessities.

-Alex Wukman

Worst product to be sold in Montrose: Boats

I don’t think I really need to elaborate on this. To start, the nearest navigable body of water is at least 30 miles away and… Wait, that’s it. I’m not entirely sure who exactly their target market is… Does anyone else think it’s a drug cover up? Bad ‘sales’ ahoy.

-Marini van Smirren

Worst Reason To Get Butthurt: A Reader Left A Nasty Comment On Your Blog

If this applies to you then you should be aware of the easiest solution in the world: don’t allow readers to comment on your blog, you ridiculous pansy.  I’ve never understood why there is always some shock and surprise when a reader vehemently disagrees with an article or blog post.  Were you planning on everyone agreeing with you?  Did you think having an opinion was the same as a bubblebath?  You cannot possibly expect to delve into the ancient and vulnerable art of writing without encountering some friction.  And you should be ashamed of yourself if you take this drama to Twitter or Facebook in an underhanded attempt to create factions.  Or actually, go right ahead and do that… eat yourselves alive.

– Mills-McCoin

Worst Summer Ever (until the next one): 2010

One of life’s little ironies is that Global Climate change is pretty much an accepted scientific fact in places like San Francisco or Seattle–where the evidence of change is frequently obscured by clouds, fog, and cold drizzles of rain– but widely debated or dismissed as “liberal conspiracy” in places like Houston… where the facts of the matter are as evident as last month’s exorbitant and air-conditioning fuel ransom note from CenterPoint Energy (once better known to long-time residents as “Houston Looting & Plunder”).  Although the record temperature of 108 degrees (set in September of 2024) was never broken, the number of days described by the National Weather Service as “feeling like” over one hundred degrees exceeded any sane person’s desire to count… and August 2024 is now officially on record as the hottest month ever.

– M.Martin

Worst Bartender:  Olivia at Super Happy Fun Land

Olivia is such a bad bartender people have started to refer to her as ‘Oblivia’.  She is a self-proclaimed ‘ borderline autistic bartender’ who lacks the social skills, cocktail knowledge, speed, or any desire whatsoever to perform to at least a sub-par level of bartending. But, this is the charm that makes Super Happy Fun Land the place that it is. We would have it not have it any other way.

– Omar Afra

Worst Corporate Shakedown passed off as Community Involvement: H.E.B’s ‘Town Hall Meeting’

Company executives listened politely as their prospective future customers explained how much they had wanted H.E.B’s proposed new “Montrose Location” to be turned into a park (or perhaps had been perfectly happy when the property was Wilshire Village), but were willing to settle for having part of the property turned into green space.  H.E.B. had earlier leaked several possible designs for the new store, including one that featured a park, a farmer’s market, an outdoor concert space…and two million dollars that local residents needed to raise if they wanted it.  Pure corporate bait and switch at it’s finest.  Even in these troubled times, two million dollars is relative chump change for a corporation as large as H.E.B.  Had the city raised concerns that raised construction costs, the money would’ve been found.  The Montrose Land Defense Coalition did, in fact find comments for as much as 1.2 $M.  Not surprisingly, it was not enough–certainly not in Houston, where the principle use for trees is to send them to a paper mill that makes dollars.

– M.Martin

Worst DJ Selections: Michael Jackson

Someone explain to me why every bar and club in Houston (and every city in the world for that matter) continues to play Michael Jackson songs? Yo DJ, kick that mad pedophile’s music, son! What kind of world do we live in where the Dixie Chicks say one negative comment about our President and still can’t get played in this city nearly a decade later, yet Michael Jackson can molest kids and get celebrated anytime a DJ wants bodies on the dance floor? Before anyone comes to the defense of this “white woman pork face,” as Katt Williams so eloquently put it, and tells me he was never found guilty of molesting a child, explain to me how in one case he settled out of court with a child for $20 million? I don’t know about you, but if I was not guilty of something I would fight to the death to defend and protect my innocence. However, if I was guilty as sin and had the financial ends to buy my innocence….well $20 million sounds about right.

I understand that we sacrifice a lot sometimes to take the path of least resistance, and in this case playing Beat It is that path to get bodies moving. I just urge all bar owners to consider what is celebrated by playing this Freakshow’s songs. He prayed on innocent children. He built an amusement park to woo them like love interests. He had a freaking “adult alarm” in his bedroom. If you really love children, you build hospitals. You pay all the medical bills for 1,000 kids with cancer. You build schools.

Let 2024 be the year we finally boycott all music recorded by pedophiles. Is that so much to ask? I would rather Macarena a thousand times over than be forced to listen to one more song by a person who took advantage of children incapable of protecting themselves.

-Anonymous

Worst Local Band Names: We love many of these bands but hate the names!

Tax the Wolf

Outer Heaven

Skeptycynic

The Manichean

DJ Ipod Ammo

Chase Hamblin

Thelastplaceyoulook

Caddywhompus

Juz Coz

The Ton Tons

-FPH staff

Worst Local Food Trend:  Fusion Fast Food

Have I bitched about this before? Well let me ride again. Nothing makes me more angry than when some American thinks he can trump a millennia worth of trial and error, slow perfection, and tradition by merging 2 disparate cultures in his/her own ‘unique’ creation. We are talking Thai Tacos, Curried Buffalo Wings, Asian Chicken Salad,  Bratwurst and Queso, Falafel Burger, you name it. Just quit trying to be original and just be good.

– Omar Afra

Worst Political Development of the Year: The normalization of what once were extreme right wing viewpoints

It’s sickening for a candidate of any political party to suggest we need to prohibit people from voting, but this year saw Tea Party backed candidates and Tea Party organizers espouse ideas that were straight from the darkest days of Jim Crow. In February Tom Tancredo the Constitution Party candidate for the Governor of Colorado, who came in second, told audiences that he believed that people need to “pass a civics test before voting.” Judson Phillips the founder of Tea Party Nation went even further when he said on his organization’s radio show that “it makes a lot of sense” to limit voting only to property owners.

For those who are not familiar with the history of voting rights in this country, here’s a selection from the Department of Justice’s website: “In the 1890s, [the former confederate states] began to amend their constitutions and to enact a series of laws intended to re-establish and entrench white political supremacy. Such disfranchising laws included poll taxes, literacy tests, vouchers of “good character,” and disqualification for “crimes of moral turpitude.” These laws were “color-blind” on their face, but were designed to exclude black citizens disproportionately by allowing white election officials to apply the procedures selectively.”

Even in the darkest days of WWII the white political elite’s desire to keep everyone else down could not be stopped and led to a Supreme Court case, Smith v. Allwright, where Texas tried to defend the practice of a “white primary” which allowed ostensibly “private” political parties, like the Democrats and the Republicans, to conduct elections and establish qualifications for their members. The painful history of voter disenfranchisement in Texas aside, the reason why suggesting putting limits on voting rights is so heinous is that it means that the people who suffered for equality, the men, women and children who marched, were beaten and died, did so for nothing.

The right for every man and woman to vote is not a right that was enshrined in the Constitution by the founding fathers, it was a right that was won in the street and in the court room. The fear that all men would be equal led reactionaries to blow up churches, kill children and execute young men. To suggest that some people aren’t fit to vote because they don’t own their own home or because, as one commentator on GOPUSA.com suggested, they don’t know how many constitutional conventions the United States has had is disgusting.

-Alex Wukman

Worst Driving Across Town in Traffic to use a Coupon for Something You Didn’t Need Moment: METRO/Spain rail car deal

Everybody’s got that friend.  You know who I’m talking about.  That “frugal,” “thrifty,” “penny pincher” who will burn half a day and a tank of gas to save fifty cents on toilet paper because it was advertised in a Sunday sale circular.

The City of Houston (METRO) received $900 million in grants this year from the Federal Transit Administration to help build the much needed light rail.  So METRO shopped around for a good deal and signed a contract with a Spanish company to build the rail cars. Problem was, the grants from the FTA required METRO to buy American…so it looked like we were going to lose that federal money–and we’re talking close to a billion dollars.

Just this week METRO announced that they reached a settlement with the Spanish company.  They’re going to let us out of the contract, and they’re only going to keep $26 million of the $40 million we already paid them.  That’s right, the double-coupon waving geniuses at METRO are telling us we should be happy that we got $14 million back.  METRO, it’s going places.

– Harbeer Sandhu

Worst Restaurant and Coffee Shop: Brasil

You are like that friend everyone hates, but can’t get rid of. You suck at life. See you tomorrow.

-Brandon Young

Worst Race: White People

For the 27th straight year of my life, white people. Haha, but not really. Just a little. Did you know that Czechs don’t consider themselves white? Weird, huh?

Mostly I hate the dudes I see around town at bars with Kennedy hair, usually off Washington Avenue when I am doing bar reviews, and now more than ever at Grand Prize Bar and out and about most weekends in the Montrose. John Hughes Movie Rich Kid Hair. I’m bald, so maybe it’s partially jealousy. They took away the darts and the beanbag toss, so maybe they will go back to their home planet.

Also, guys that stare at my gym shorts at the Downtown YMCA get my goat. I’m flattered, but can you please get out of my shower stall?

-Craig Hlavaty

Worst Act of God: Rain on Summer Fest 2 years in a row

Okay Creator, Allah, Yahweh, whatever you’re tagging on dumpsters these days…all we’re trying to do is give the people of Houston TWO DAYS to separate from the monotony of their 9-5 jobs and the tide of economic desperation. TWO DAYS. Out of 365. I know we here at Free Press probably don’t give you a shout out as often as some people who might ask for less but shit, you’re practically handing out good weather to the White House. Sure, Wayne Coyne from the Flaming Lips LOVED the rain and volunteered with most of us in the mud to help make our job smoother last year at The Summer Fest but that was only one year, and if I remember correctly, you didn’t encourage the Of Montreal folks whatsoever to even come close to the mud, much less us. I know Of Montreal wrote “Satanic Panic in the Attack” and they might lose points with you for that one, but at Summer Fest 08, they fucking covered Bowie’s “Moonage Daydream” uniting a crowd of 20,000 vapid humans into a mass of positive vibrations.

I know you saw that. I guess I understand if Houston is “awash with sin” or whatever and you’ve still got a lot of work to do here before we get any kind of celestial kick-backs but, seriously, we have some AWESOME SHIT lined up for Summer Fest 2024 and I’m gonna go ahead and ask for your blessings early on behalf of all the future Staffers and Volunteers of the festival. Shukran Allah!

– Shelby Hohl

Worst Waiting in Line: The Drive Thru at El Rey @ Washington Avenue

Waking up Saturday morning at 2 pm, there is but one thing on my mind: tacos. After looking for my shoes from the night before and finding I slept in them, I putter on down to El Rey in the hopes that the cure to what ails me lies in the greasy, simple embrace of their fare. Even from a hundred yards away it’s evident my hangover remedy won’t be available any time soon.

The drive thru at El Rey depresses me more than Tyler Perry’s career success. Expect at least seven cars to be clogging the order lane in front of you and expect all seven cars to be filled with people ordering more than Kirstie Alley with a raging case of late night munchies. Their drive thru needs a drive thru. It takes forever to move forward and by the time you realize you could have just walked inside and picked up, you’re already committed. Once you’re back home with your bag of goodness you’ll wonder if it was really all worth it and why it’s now dark outside.

–Stephen Thompson

Worst Loss of Operating Hours: Montrose Library, now closed on Saturdays

Of all the days to close the library, Saturday makes the least sense. Due to budget shortfalls, weekly operation times were decreased by 20 hours, leaving most libraries to close 2 hours earlier each day at 6pm and all but the McGovern location to close on the weekends. This leaves working folks with little or no time to go to the library which will ultimately decrease the budget further for next year, and the next and the next, until one day when we’ll be told that we no longer can afford a public library, yet look at all the pretty stadiums!

-Andrea Afra

Worst New Academic Initiative: Random Drug Testing in High School

This month I received an email from a buddy that our old high school was going to be in the newspaper for a fairly controversial new initiative they’re going to enforce on their students. I’m not going to tell you the name of the school as I am a loyal alumnae, but suffice it to say it’s in Bellaire and rhymes with Shmisshmiscopal. As of next month, all students enrolled at my old high school will be given random drug tests throughout the year. That’s right, a high school is drug screening its students. The person behind this initiative must either be the most naïve nerd in America or a descendant of some high ranking member of the Gestapo. Have they never seen Fast Times at Ridgemont High? The stoner crowd is a bedrock clique in any high school! Who else is going to make fun of the jocks while greenhousing the 3^rd floor supply closet? Who else is going to stare vacantly out the window during calculus and attend pep rallies only to be ironic? And this initiative affects not only the wannabe hippies with Widespread Panic stickers in their BMWs, but also those who are just trying out new things. Whether you like it or not, high school is a time of experimentation. And that’s not a bad thing, it’s kinda necessary- it’s much better to discover how awesome beer makes you feel while you’re still at home under the protection of your parents than off at college where you can fail out and get VD. Kids mess around and screw up, it’s part of life. Also, if my high school is still anything like it was 10 years ago, roughly half the students will be expelled before lunch. All this Patriot Act paranoia doesn’t solve anything- let the parents test their kids if they stumble upon a connection between little Johnny’s newfound love of Mom’s lasagna and the Bob Marley poster recently tacked up in his wall. John Lithgow from Footloose called. He wants his bullshit back.

And are they testing the teachers? Because we had this one guy, Mr. Wilson, who taught French History, and I’m relatively certain he ripped the bong before class. To this day I can’t tell you one fact about the French but I can tell you some awesome stories of growing up in Montana in the 70s. And I’ll never forget the one and only time I ever went to a rave and ran smack into my Physics teacher, Mr. Casares, only he had a tongue ring and was covered in glow paint. What followed was perhaps one of the most awkward encounters of my life, with him refusing to acknowledge me despite my repeated requests for an extension on a project due date. I think I asked more to freak him out, but then again I was kind of a dick in high school. Thank god they didn’t test for that.

–Stephen Thompson

Worst Smell:  Free Press Office Circa 2 months ago

There was a bad cat. He made a bad smell. Bad,,bad cat.

– Omar Afra

Worst Graffiti: Writing

Quantity over quality is the culprit here and it’s about high time some of our local “graffiti” artists took themselves more seriously. The “writing” craze is not new by any means but, it seems lately every one is considering themselves to be valid graffiti artists based on the fact that they scribble the equivalent to a cave drawing on the side of dumpsters and business establishments around town. The sad part about all of this is the fact that most of these kids can actually create some of the most visually stunning artwork we’ve never seen. It reminds me of The Simpsons episode where Bart gets the label maker and puts his name on everything in the house, even Homer’s beer, thwarting Homer from not taking the last beer because “it’s Bart’s”. I believe that if these talented artists actually wanted to be considered for opportunities that would make them large sums of money, ushering most of them out of what could probably compared to squalor, they would focus their efforts more into the quality of their work rather than the quantity. I will probably never find myself looking for someone to commission for my next project on the wall in the bathroom at Rudz. If the artists actually began focusing their efforts into the massive colorful beautifications they are perfectly capable of, the city might actually start putting funds into the art community providing these very artists with paying gigs, doing THEIR VERY OWN thing, to objectively make the city a more interesting and inspiring place to live in. There are some amazing artists however that are already “on this tip”, and I would like to give them a shout out here for doing it right: Ack!, WEAH, DUAL, and Give Up (even though they write, it’s actually balanced with an equal amount of content heavy related artwork that is creating a unique identity for themselves as artists).

-Anonymous

Worst Political Letdown: Sheila Jackson Lee

How come Delaware gets all the good witch candidates? What’s that? Sheila Jackson Lee won again? Never mind.

–Stephen Thompson

Worst Example of a Pretentious One-Word Business Name: FLOSS

What’s with this trend of naming business establishments with cheesy one-word names (usually a meaningful noun reproduced in some minimalist font)?  I’m talking about overpriced diners with down-home names like “Chow.”  I’m talking about men’s boutiques that try to obscure the fact that they’re a frou-frou men’s BOUTIQUE with a rough-sounding noun like “Mortar.”  I’m talking about goofy clubs with names like “Status” where bro’s go to max out their credit cards and sniff each other’s cologne.  The one that takes the cake is the Midtown dentists’ office called FLOSS, and I’m not just saying that because they annoy me with their DAILY, glossy, half-page cardstock mailers.  (What a waste of resources…and don’t they know that such desperation does not inspire confidence in their dental skills?)

When I am shopping for a dentist, I want her to have a generic, boring name with the suffix DDS, something like “Rachel Wilfred, DDS,” or if she’s feeling inspired, feeling poetic, I’m willing to settle for “Wilfred Dental Associates.” Actually, since I am Sikh, I would probably look for a “Singh” in the name, like “Upinder Singh Chandi, DDS.”  Yeah, that’s a plug for my brother-in-law, but he lives in Maryland.  Sue me. And when you sue me, know that I will not be hiring a lawyer with a practice called “Gavel” or “Deposition” or “Brief,” even if she’s the best in town.  I will go with somebody who works at a firm whose name is a string of WASPy blue-blood names, preferably with a “Singh” thrown in for good measure.

I don’t need my dentist to be trendy; I need my dentist to be a competent professional.  Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but for some reason, I don’t imagine that a dentist can be both.

– Harbeer Sandhu

Worst Local Transportation System: Sidewalks

I was driving from my office to Rudyard’s for the monthly My Houston 2024 meeting where we were going to listen to Zakcq Lockrem talk about how complete streets can make Houston safer and healthier in 2024 and Houston City Council Member Stephen Costello talk about what is going to happen next with Prop 1: Renew Houston.  I’m in the right lane on Waugh, a one way street with a bike lane on the right side and realized that a man on crutches was traveling half in my lane and half in the bike lane, with cars driving 35 miles an hour past him.  I slowed down to a stop to let cars pass on the left, so I could get over to the next lane hoping that the four cars behind me also saw this man, so I had a little time to think about this situation.  This man had chosen to travel there because the sidewalks along Waugh are not wide enough to accommodate his manner of walking on crutches and are inconsistent, broken, and occasionally marred with a utility pole.

How ironic to encounter this man on my way to a meeting to discuss a new funding mechanism for improvements to the public realm and a discussion of the failure of City of Houston code and funding priorities to account for the safety of all road users. After Zakcq’s presentation, CM Costello began his discussion of how Prop 1 might be applied differently depending on the needs of the diverse neighborhoods of Houston, noting that he did not believe that the City of Houston Public Works Department had the “tools” (wide sidewalk standards) in its “toolbox” (City codes) – to begin to address these concerns.  For too long the predominant question that our engineers in Houston have been asked to solve is how to move a box truck as fast as possible over a long distance.  The City needs to begin asking its engineers to answer a greater diversity of questions to fairly and efficiently meets the many needs of a diverse and growing population:

-How can we connect as many people and jobs as possible through safe and efficient transportation?

-If we redesign our streets to be safe and comfortable for the most vulnerable – those with physical disabilities as well as young children and the elderly – won’t we be making them safer and more comfortable for all to choose walking in the process?

-In what areas of town could we most quickly and efficiently invest in wide sidewalks and ADA compliant intersections to greatly increase the walkable parts of our City?

-Where is it appropriate to take measures to slow down automobile traffic to provide priority for safe bike and pedestrian streets, like the City of Portland’s hugely successful and cheap Neighborhood Greenways program?

-How many wide sidewalks and safe bikeways can we build for the price of 1 mile of new freeway?

– Jay Crossley

Worst Demographic: The Patrons at Hooters on any UFC Fight Night

I haven’t seen people like that since I found that guy living under my car. If a bus ever crashed into one of their “restaurants” when an MMA bout was on primetime, Houston’s median IQ level would increase 32 points.

If said bus was filled with dudes thinking their Affliction shirts make them look hard, make that 38.

–Stephen Thompson

Worst (Ab)Use of Public Airwaves: KPRC, KHOU, KTRK, KRIV

You may not know this, but you own the broadcast spectrum.  You know, those frequencies that TV, radio, and cell phone signals are transmitted through.  Companies like TV stations and cell phone providers lease them from you and me (i.e. the government) for a fee.  In addition to the money they pay us, there is always language in the contracts that specifies that they are required to do stuff in the “public interest.”  This is why you get those Emergency Broadcast System alerts and those oh-so-helpful and hilarious anti-drug public service announcements that always remind you to pack a bowl before the Simpsons comes on.

Recently, a group called the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine (PCRM) produced a well-made, stylish ad that links heart disease to fast food (specifically McDonald’s) and promotes occasional vegetarianism.  It shows a dead man on a gurney, still clutching a McCrap burger.  (You know that stuff won’t ever even rot, don’t you?  That’s right, even mold and bacteria are smarter than McDonald’s customers.)  PCRM is based in Washington, but they pitched their ad to four Houston TV station–NBC, ABC, CBS, and Fox–because Houston is a well-known market for fat asses.  All four stations turned it down.  Their reasoning?  They say it doesn’t meet their “standards and practices” guidelines–whatever that means.  We all know the real reason you can’t even BUY free speech is because they love that Mickey D’s cheese.

Incidentally, the Vancouver-based media critic non-profit ADBUSTERS produces some great ads for their annual “TV Turn Off Week” and “Buy Nothing Day” campaigns, which are, surprise!, turned down by all the major networks year after year.  They produce stylish commercials and offer the going rates, but our “free press” know who their real masters are–and it ain’t us or “freedom.”

Lenin (Vladimir, not John) said “the capitalists will sell us the rope we’ll use to hang them.”  Lenin was wrong.

Look for the PCRM ad online.  It’s called “Consequences.”

– Harbeer Sandhu

Worst Betrayal of Public Trust by the Media: Houston Chronicle

When the administrators of Rice University and the University of Houston were plotting the conversion of a Houston institution, KTRU, into the classical music arm of Houston’s NPR empire, they had a problem.  They were worried that the public (and particularly the KTRU listening audience) might get wind of their plan and convince the UH Board of Trustees that closing down KTRU was a dodgy move from both a public relations or a financial management perspective.  Luckily for them, they had a friend in Jeannie Kever at the Houston Chronicle.  Kever agreed to “embargo” the story of KTRU’s sale until the day of the Board of Regents meeting, thereby preventing the public at large (and KTRU supporters in particular) from organizing to oppose the sale before the UH Trustees granted their approval.  For Rice and UH, the embargo strategy was a success.  KTRU supporters were kept in the dark until the last minute, and the UH Trustees narrowly approved the purchase.  Since the announcement of the sale, opposition to the demise of KTRU has been fierce and organized.  But because Rice and UH were able to delay public disclosure of the deal, the two universities were able to gain an early advantage over opponents among Rice students, alumni, and the Houston community at large.  So much the better for Rice and UH; so much the worse for Houston and the Chronicle’s reputation.

–Eric Davis

Worst thing that will happen in the 2024 State Legislature: Christian Republic of Texas Agenda

Traditionally this list looks back on the last 12 months, but with the Republicans securing a supermajority in the Texas Legislature it seems time to discuss what that means for the future of the Christian Republic of Texas. The phrase “Christian Republic of Texas” is not a joke, Texas is moving closer and closer to a theocracy each year. There is already a campaign underway by some State Republican activists to remove the current Speaker of the House, John Strauss, because he’s Jewish. Texas State Republican Executive Committee member John Cook wrote in a November 30 e-mail that, “We elected a house with Christian, conservative values. We now want a true Christian, conservative running it. This is not about Straus, this is about getting what the people want.” Cook’s letter came out before Representatives Aaron Pena and Allan Ritter jumped ships to the GOP to give Republicans 101 votes to the Democrats 49. With over 100 votes in the Texas House, and a newly appointed Christian conservative speaker, we can expect Texas to be come very hostile to viewpoints that aren’t those of rich white people.

Don’t be surprised when the new state legislature begins mining the same vein of right wing, race baiting rhetoric that swept the GOP into power. One of the key pieces of legislation that will help solidify the nativist agenda will be the voter ID bill. This legislation was introduced in 2024 and 2024 and neither time did it have the votes to make it to the Governor’s desk. However, this time it’s expected to sail through committee and the House. There might be something of a fight in the State Senate, but it won’t really matter.

Another piece of legislation that will most likely pass will be some variation of Arizona’s “show me your papers” law. Three versions of the bill have already been filed and the Republican leadership has said that they will give state and local law enforcement the tools to “combat the invasion” coming from Mexico. A third proposed bill would make English the official language of Texas. And that doesn’t even deal with the proposed bills requiring drug testing for people who receive unemployment or any other financial assistance as well as the bill that would allow the display of the Ten Commandments in public school classrooms.

-Alex Wukman

Worst Display of Human Nature: Chron.com comments sections

I know I am probably wasting my time there, but after reading the news online I can’t help but delve into the sordid depths of the comments left by other Houstonians in an effort to get to know my neighbors better. I find for the most part that they are racist, bloodthirsty savages with a penchance for spouting vitriol and violence. They despise Muslims, Mexicans, blacks, Obama, gays, and welfare, yet harbor great adulation for nukes, the death penalty, ICE, Walmart, the WOT, and vigilante grannies who shoot illegals in Walmart parking lots.

-Andrea Afra

Worst Time Waster: Tie- Angry Birds and Words With Friends

If you’re one of the millions of Americans who purchased an iPhone in the last year, you’re aware that the device’s reputation as a time squanderer is fully warranted. Case in point- many of you are probably reading these words on one right now. But it’s not incredibly witty and intellectual social commentary that wastes most of your day. Applications, or “Apps” as Webster’s will soon be forced to introduce into the English lexicon, have transplanted both hangovers and supply closet masturbation as the biggest detriment to work place production. Two apps in particular, Angry Birds and Words with Friends, are the biggest culprits.

Angry Birds is a mindless game where you shoot birds out of a slingshot to kill monsters hiding in the dumb little buildings. It was rumored there once was a man who understood the plot of the game but he was killed right before he could pass his wisdom on. It’s ability to drain time out of your life is legendary and a lot of that’s probably due to the fact you can play it anywhere. Here’s a haiku I composed about it:

Angry Birds Take Flight

Ramming Buildings Whilst I Poo

My Legs Are Asleep

Words With Friends, or Scrabble for Retards, at least requires some modicum of intelligence. Unfortunately, it’s also as addictive as its avian counterpart. In the last few weeks I’ve played so many games of Words With Friends I’m starting to score the very words people use in conversations with me throughout the day. For example, iPhonedouche is worth at least 40 points, depending on tile placement.

–Stephen Thompson

First off, it was announced today the classic post-punk band The Mydolls will be playing Noise and Smoke II on November 15th. Awesomeness!

In other news Born Liars have a fan in Little Steven who has played the band quite a bit on his Underground Garage radio show. Bill Fool’s a bit matter of fact about it all saying ” We have been played a bunch on the Underground Garage station and last week Little Steven’s assistant e-mailed me saying Little Steven loves us and wants everything we have to play it on the national show.” Neat that this band is getting some well deserved national recognition.

Speaking of Born Liars. Ditchwater zine is expanding into the realm of 7″s in the form of Ditchwater Records and the inaugural release (which has been sent off to the pressing plant) will be by Born Liars. If that isn’t cool enough the second release will be a reissue of the classic lost Gay Marriage EP (previously unreleased except via a few CDRs) with additional tracks. If you aren’t familiar with Gay Marriage here is a review I did of their EP a few years back (Link). Look for the band possibly reuniting for the record release towards the end of the year. That logo was created by none other than the great Daniel Shaw.

Artstorm is also getting into the music release game and it seems that Hearts of Animals is finally looking to release some new material on Artstorm Records. In addition to HOA, the label has plans for other releases including music from Ironic Bong.

Artstorm is located within Caroline Collective which will be the location of a music conference of sorts called BandCamp (Link) later this year. Ian Wells of the KTRU Local Show/ Revelry Report contacted me about it:

“Matt Wettergreen, Phillip Beck (also from KTRU, great guy), and myself are organizing an event at Caroline Collective in late October, called Band Camp. Essentially, we’d like to get everyone in Houston who makes music together at Caroline and have a day-long “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about Making Music but were too Afraid to Ask” collaborative session/hang-out/bbq/whatever.”