By: Dr. Absinthe

One of those most liberating sexual experiences I’ve had was with an out-of-town friend whose place I was crashing at one weekend. We had gone on a few coffee shop dates while he lived in Houston and had become friends, but we never moved beyond that to make it to either of our bedrooms before he moved. After he agreed to house me for the weekend while I was visiting his town he said there was a futon I could have full reign of but he also mentioned he found me attractive and was always welcome to sleep or cuddle in his bed. There was no pressure from him, just a declaration of his interest and whether or not the feeling was mutual we’d still have a great time visiting and catching up. I let him know I found him appealing as well, and that we should play it by ear when I got into town. Once there we talked frankly about expectations, STD statuses, levels of comfort, and experiences in kink before we ever kissed for the first time or any clothing was removed. I had never had that much open communication about sex before with a partner and it, as well as the resulting sex, was absolutely incredible.

That situation is different than how normal dating goes because, well, it wasn’t dating. We were looking to have some mutual fun as friends and so we didn’t have to deal with the normal charge and confusion of two people flirting with each other, trying to figure out if attractions matched. Don’t get me wrong, flirting is awesome. I love the butterflies in the stomach and the playful give and take while two or more people are trying to figure each other out. But having the chance to get some of the pressure off before anything physical happens is amazing as well.

Talking openly with a potential partner can also help to save both of your time from the beginning. If you’re bisexual, you don’t want to be with someone who believes all bi-men are secretly gay and all bi-women are really straight and just going through a phase or acting for male attention. If you’re strictly monogamous, you want to know in advance if your partner doesn’t feel the same so you can decide together if there’s a compromise you can make. Most people don’t actually care about your “number”, but it is important to know hard boundaries when it comes to sex, STD statuses, or levels of experience in kink if that is a part of your sex life. It’s amazing to have someone be able to tell you how exactly to get them off, and for them to listen to you when you tell them how to give you the most pleasure. And while most people when they get together are playing things by ear to see how things develop, if one or more partners already know they are looking for a serious relationship or it’s only a one time encounter, everyone needs to know.

It is true that things with a new partner can end a lot sooner when you communicate openly if one of you runs into a relationship dealbreaker. But is that really a bad thing? Everyone involved can (hopefully) wish each other well and move onto a person who fits better into their lives. There’s also always the possibility that someone you’re involved with isn’t as honest as you yourself try to be. You can only take them at their word (assuming you have no reason to believe otherwise) and live your own life accordingly. Listen to Louis CK , people. He’s a wise man.

If nothing else, open communication will at least help you to avoid the awkward first meeting deal where both of you are trying to figure out if this is an actual date or if the coffee is just plain old coffee. Everyone else hates that too, right?

Dr. Absinthe is not really a doctor, nor is she really a drink.