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What Your Poo Says About You

What Your Poo Says About You
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poofessorBy Rob McCarthy

The saying goes that you are what you eat, so what logically follows is that your doo is what you do to you. Everybody poops, but not everybody takes the time to understand the significance of your poop. Embrace the wisdom of your body, and learn the truth about your diet, your health, and your future. Embrace your poo.

When you saw a log, you probably often recognize patterns in your movements, especially if you are regular. The consistency of your excrement can usually be categorized in four forms: smell, size, shade, and the shape.

Let’s take your shade of poo for instance. If the browns you just took to the super bowl are indeed brown, good! However, if your turd is green, you may be experiencing the side effects of certain antibiotics, or you’ve had too many leafy greens. It also means that you could have undigested bile, or worse, Crohn’s Disease. Monitor those movements! If you have red, yellow, white or black feces, you could be in trouble. These could signs of intestinal bleeding, gallbladder or parasitic problems, liver disease, or pancreatic disorder.

The size is dependent on how regular you are, regularly. If your diet is consistent, and so are you, then consequently your constant craps should be your own standard size, depending on you. Too much, and you could be waiting too long, too little, and you might be going too much. If the poop is thin and noodle like, or maybe perhaps like a slithery little poop snake, you may have blockage in your tract. Time for a cleansing!

The shape is the most important part. If it’s watery, you already know you’ve got issues, but what are they? Watery feces is a sign that your feces are blazing a trail through your intestines, and not giving them enough time to sip and absorb your liquids inside the 30 feet of intestinal tract. If it’s hard and dry, it’s been in your body too long, and even the standard amount of water inside your poop is being reabsorbed by your body. A happy poop is one that is shaped like a torpedo, maximizing its pass-ability.

The truth is, your shit stinks. We all know it. Everybody has smelly poop, except for my girlfriend, of course. Your poop is essentially composed of bacteria that create sulfur-rich compounds like skatole, mercaptans, and hydrogen sulfide.  Obviously, your farts get their rich odors from the same compounds. It’s not necessarily a bad omen when you have a bad odor, just keep matches close at hand.

Staying regular is the key to staying healthy. If you find yourself on the verge of constipation, try a concoction of whole grains and peppermint tea. Avoid artificial sweeteners! The more water and fiber you consume, the more consistent your crud- it’s common sense!

On the subject of your number 2, let’s get wise about number 1. You pee a shit load more than you shit. Your pee usually somewhere from really clear like all the water you’ve been drinking, or it’s dark. If your pee is too dark, you need more water! Don’t turn to the dark side.

If it’s green or blue, that’s weird. You are weird. Why is your pee blue? Could be medications or supplements, maybe you’ve ingested blue dye for some reason. Weirdo. If your pee is red or pink, you might have a serious problem, like internal bleeding. Consult a doctor, not Web MD, and certainly not us.

Maybe you’ve heard jokes about it burning when you pee. Let’s get the record straight, there is nothing funny about a flaming urethra. In fact, if your urethra was actually on fire, that would be impossible, because your urine ought to extinguish those flames. However, if what you feel is a burning sensation while you pee, and not literal heat induced burns, then peeing more is only going to exacerbate that problem. You should see a doctor about that, because “urine trouble.”

All bladders are unique, but we all get the same feeling, that yearning to abandon the activity that you were attempting, and race to the restroom. Holding your bladder too long is not good for your body, although it can be impressive when you are challenged with situations like long car rides, packed concerts, or moments of hilarity. If you hold your bladder too long, you may not be able to become aroused. Beware! Pee long and prosper. The standard bladder size for adult humans is 16 oz, which is a lot of piss.

Now you know a little bit more about what your poo says about you. Maybe someday you’ll develop your own Tao of Poo, but until then, stay informed, and be a scientist. Don’t strain yourself too much, always relax when relieving yourself. Don’t be afraid to listen to the meditative wisdom of your whiz. Who knows, maybe you’ll prevent problems by probing your poop’s potency.

  • Aeryk Pierson

    I read “What Your Poo Says About You” too. Are you going to write a book synopsis of “What My Pee Says About Me” next?