Illustration by Shelby Hohl

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.




Did I ever send that question?  I feel like I did but I don’t know.  You haven’t posted a new set of answers to said questions.  Is this going biweekly?  Was it already biweekly?  Anyways, what do you think about dead beat MOMS. I know, I know.  Dead beat dad’s but what about the dead beat MOMS.  CAN we please talk about this? PLEASE!? No one does and maybe because it’s less common, whatever the case, dead beat moms: those bitches suck. Also, did I break the rules here? I’ve asked 2, well now 3 questions In the same post. You know, a few weeks back I rapid fire asked you questions, all separately.  You answered them all and it was epic. I’m rambling and I’m sorry.

I always hear, “I just want a babbbbyyyy .” You’re not making a baby. You’re making a person. “I want to make a badass person”; I don’t hear that a lot. If you want cute, go to the store and buy a Tamagotchi and start there. Deadbeat moms are the kind of people who get a rabbits on Easter and then when Easter is over, they get bored and don’t take care of it until the rabbit dies.


Is it necessary/culturally required to have a ring in order to propose to someone? I was thinking of asking her Johnny Cash in Walk the Line style, that way if she says no I won’t have to worry about what I’m gonna do with this expensive ring, paving the way for me to ask again, and again if necessary.

If you bet that she’s going to say no, you shouldn’t do it anyway. It’s not like Zales doesn’t have a return policy because I’m sure that they have to deal with a bunch of losers like you.

Work your way up to an engagement ring. Penis ring. Belly button ring. Nose ring. Onion ring. Start off with the onion ring.

And don’t live your life like Johnny Cash, because, HELLO, he’s dead. So is his wife. Do you want your maybe wife to die?


So I live with my sons mother, we are seperated. I just got a new girlfriend and it really bothers her when my gf spends the night. I can’t just kick my bm out cause she is is unemployed, I’m kind of fucked. They are really good friends but she just feels like it’s disrespectful, how do you feel? I don’t want to screw up either relationship. They are both really pretty and I talked to them both about just all three of us being together, gf didn’t dig the idea

How shallow are you? They’re both pretty? You’re an idiot. Do you have a big ring around your mouth of silver from huffing spray paint? You sound like the common denominator in all of these problems. Do you remember that term? Probably not because you’ve huffed so much spray paint you thought dating your baby mama’s friend was a good idea. Your girlfriend must also have a silver ring around her mouth, or she’s just a piece of shit friend.


My friend just recently separated from his wife. He is still married but she has thrown him through the ringer. He says his grandmother would either die or kill him if he gets a divorce. How long should he wait for her to come to her senses before starts looking around for someone who will treat him better?

This is like someone trying to get me to like a show I don’t want to watch. How about none of your business? Maybe “try a little harder” because all I can think about is how nosey of a goddamn friend you are. No wonder you friend got separated. He obviously can’t handle his own business because he got his ding dong friend involved. Most women don’t like wet blankets for husbands.


My friend and his boy friend, for 11 months, just split up. He says it’s because they fight all the time, but they are so cute together and are always doing real cool stuff. His ex is already texting him how much he misses him and it’s only been a day. Is this a hot mess or do you think they can make it?

I hate you. I wish someone threw a bunch of lye on you and didn’t tell you what it you need to neutralize it. “Dear Google, do you know if DVR is going to save everything when the world ends?” What kind of fucking question is that? Who cares if they are cute. Let them not be together. Maybe one of them beats the other in the privacy of there home so you can’t see how “cute” they are.

Also, please refer to the previous question for an answer that relates to you too.


Are you seeing anyone right now, or are your eyes closed?

Is that a pick up line or are you a racist? My southeast Asian heritage does not come with slits for eyes.


When do you want me to start?  “It’s a very conscious decision. Sometimes it’s a pain because my heels are so high and it would be nice to have [Ben’s] arm. And he’s such a great date! But it can be too much. I think especially for women, they can really lose their identity and just become the ‘wife of.'”

Oof. It’s like two Siri’s are trying to outsmart one another in one text reply while you’re drunk. Did I just get drunk questioned? Whatever you do, don’t get behind the wheel.





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