Join the Army: It’s the Answer to High Gas Prices
by Mills-McCoin
Illustration by Tim Dorsey
Army recruiters across the nation are under fire these days because of how they treat recruits who change their minds about surrendering their decision-making rights to the government (aka “joining the army”). There have been instances here in Houston at the Greenspoint Recruiting Station where the recruit-ers tell the recruit-ed that they’ll go to jail if they back out of their “binding contract” to a pre-enlistment program called the Delayed Entry Program.
I pondered all of this madness over whiskey and thought to myself, “Those sons of bitches.”
And then it hit me like shrapnel! I should see about joining the U.S. Army.
With only 48 hours to complete said task, I quickly climbed on to Ol’Reliable- the internet (or “internets” as our beloved Commander and Chief refers to it/them). GoArmy.com is a well-oiled burrito filled with information, search engines, online applications and melted cheese. I perused the virtual grounds for a few minutes before searching for jobs. The keyword I searched for was “journalist”, which returned one career opportunity- Public Affairs Specialist (see Joseph Goebbels, I thought).
Public Affairs Specialist, obviously the most difficult job in the Army these days, consists of “researching, preparing and distributing news releases on Army personnel and activities”, amongst other patriotic responsibilities. Perhaps this job should be outsourced to one of the high dollar Hollywood PR firms (there’s a wholesale “tax dollar” joke in there somewhere). They take movies and actors of the same ilk as the U.S. Army and make them sing. Keep in mind: Arnold Schwarzenegger is their governor. Do you know what kind of “spin” one must be capable of in order to sell that idea to a general public of crazy people (California)? Wizardry.
I wonder why there aren’t more of them working in the public sector? Oh that’s right! THEY WOULD BE POOR! If you can manage the “public affairs” of the U.S. Army then you should be paid more than $22,000 per year. I’m thinking add two or three zeros to that salary and even James Carville would be interested in the job; or whoever handles Satan’s public affairs. Well wait a minute- the U.S. Government handles Satan’s public affairs, right? Wow, our future gets bleaker with every crap joke.
In any case, I explored GoArmy.com for a bit longer and discovered the “Chat with a Recruiter” feature. And I’m sure it’s a lovely feature but “Chat with a Recruiter” doesn’t work well with Macs, which should alarm everyone because it means that the enemy is probably NOT using Windows Vista. If you’ve ever had the misfortune of using Windows Vista then you know that when it comes down to issues of National Security- we’re fucked.
After several minutes of cyber-battle, I decided to take on these salesmen face to face; so I immediately headed over to the U.S. Army Recruiting Station on West Gray between Waugh and Dunlavy.
At the door, I was greeted by two life-size, cardboard cutouts of one white soldier and one black soldier, both holding huge guns. The office itself was barren: no books on the shelves, no computers on any of the desks and only one army-man to field my questions (He was a beastly man with a look of regret on his face). It was sad and pathetic. How in the hell would you entice someone to join the Army in such squalor?
Well, they actually have an answer for that- up to $40,000 in enlistment bonuses. These bonuses are based on the recruit’s educational attainment and performance on the ASVAB (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery). I was told that the average score is considerably less than 50%- and that scares the shit out of me.
I left after a half hour of the commission-driven sales-soldier trying his damnedest to convince me that joining up was a good idea.
If anyone wants to join the Army, it should be for reasons of insanity, patriotism or a love of violence. Cold-blooded cash should not be your catalyst for such a grave decision. You’re a common street thug if money is you’re motivation; and we’re already overstocked with those in Washington- which begs a question: Who am I supposed to vote for in November if I want these enlistment bonuses cut from our National Spending?