Badvice: Back from the Dead - V. 38

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Shelby Hohl

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.

CLICK HERE TO SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION TO BADVICE

Check out BadVice live this Friday at Beta Theatre!

I think my roommate is using my vibrator. I don’t want to confront her about it because I’ve known her forever, and since she makes a little more money than I do, she takes care of a higher percentage of rent and bills. But I don’t think that gives her the right to use my personal items. What should I do?

Wrap one of your hairs around the vibrator. If later on the hair is gone, your roommate is using your vibrator. That or you could wait until one of your friends complains about having bacterial vaginosis on social media and get them to use it and leave out the trap. I mean, that’s a terrorist level response, but it’s a sure fire way to push that motherfucker out of your dildo shrine.

So I’m in a predicament. I have two friends that are together, and we have all been friends for a while now. The other night, the ‘man’ of the relationship text me asking if I wanted to hook up. The answer was an obvious no, but I don’t know if I should tell his gf this happened, (it’s the 3rd time) or if I should keep my nose on my own face and stay out of it.. HELP!

If you don’t say something to her, it’s because you want to fuck him, or you like the attention. But it’s one, two, three strikes you’re out. I would want someone to tell me if I was getting punked by some chump. You’re not fucking up the relationship. He did when he fucking start playing chump ass games behind his girls back.

How would you protect yourself when a person that you love and want to be with tells you he wants to be exclusive with someone else, yet they still want to spend time with you?

Don’t spend time with that person.
Is it going to make you feel bad? “Yeah”
Do you want to feel bad? “No”
Okay, then don’t hang out with them.

You just tolerate the relationship in the hopes that it fails and you’re there, maybe? Why would you want to hang out with him still? Get your pussy out of your heart.

I really want my boyfriend to put things in my butt, but I’m mortified at the possibility that he might come into contact with my poo. How common is it for straight young people to do enemas? I just want to fit in…

What do you expect to happen back there? It’s such a real thing. Be comfortable with whoever is poking around back there. If it happens, brush it off (or clean it off rather) and have a laugh. Be the embarrassed emoji, not the crying emoji. Anyway, do you always brush your teeth before you kiss? Do you shave that pussy before you let someone munch on it? Think of shit as pubes and you’re shaving them with an enema. If you’re a pro, you’ll do an enema prior, but sometimes you’re just drunk and extra horny and there is no time for fitting that in. So make sure you’re putting down a towel, dimming the lights, and just enjoying the butt sex and the shower you can both take afterwards.

just graduated high school…. so what now?

So much miserable, awful life.

Dear BadVice:

I’m at this point in my life where it feels like I have everything. Like, I finally stopped fighting the universe, and now I am just riding this cosmic wave of destiny into the greener grass of good fortune. I am the happiest I have ever been. But one thing is missing.

I started to date this girl. She’s a model, but she’s approaching 30 and starting to move toward a more stable and rewarding career. She’s back in school, and she’s enjoying her classes. We started to date a couple months ago, and we hit it off. We’ve only been on a few dates, but we keep in touch, and things seemed great.

I tried recently to make a date with her. She confirmed, and then waited until the day of to cancel and give me a sort of half baked diatribe about how she was busy a lot and trying to find time for herself and yadda yadda.

I told her I would give her space, but to be honest, I really would rather get in closer. It feels like she isn’t trying to find herself- she’s trying to push me away. Now, sure, I could just move on, I could find other girls or women (and there are plenty). But, let’s pretend that’s not an option. Let’s pretend this is the last girl on earth. What do I do? What does she want me to do? Where is the middle ground?

(P.s. we haven’t had sex yet. I know that’s a HUGE proponent in emotional attachment, so that’s something to consider).

“I feel like she isn’t trying to find herself - she’s trying to push me away.” You are exactly right. She doesn’t want to date your “humble” bragging-ass, and instead of being a bitch about it, she’s trying to push you away by saying it’s something she’s dealing with personally.
Even if she was the last girl on earth, she doesn’t want you.
Let’s pretend that’s not an option? The reality is, it is the only option. Do we really have to have this consent conversation everyday?
What do you do? You leave her alone.
What does she want you to do? She wants you to leave her alone.
Where is the middle ground? It’s somewhere in “Leave Her Alone” land.

How to not feel weird around my ex’s friends. We broke up a while back and I assume they think the worst of me. What do?

Who gives a fucking shit? I think that maybe a better question for you to have asked was “how to not care about people that don’t matter.” I’m pretty sure someone has written a book like that, and I’m pretty sure you should read it.

I turn thirty next year, how many people should I have fucked by now, and is three men and three women too little?

If you’re trying to start a basketball team, then yes.

Dear BadVice,

Most of my masturbating is quick and stealthy, iPhone usually silent or one earbud in so I can still listen out for anyone. Sometimes I like to treat myself to a fully-naked, spread-eagle, rock-hard jack off. It feels great. Last Thursday, I decided to treat myself before going into work. My roommate worked from home that day. There are no other sounds he could’ve mistaken for the sound emanating from my room. I don’t moan or anything when I jack off, but I don’t tenderize meat with fistfuls of sunscreen either. As I left for work he was sitting at the dining room table eating lunch. My door wasn’t even closed. He heard everything. He said nothing. I want to learn how to make eye contact with him again. 

Got caught lube-handed.

You had everything to lose before he said anything and now after he said nothing you have everything to gain. So, keep doing it and he’ll submit to you. You’re now the dominant male.

Check out BadVice live this Friday at Beta Theatre!

CLICK HERE TO SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION TO BADVICE

Like BADVICE on Facebook!
Follow BADVICE on Instagram!
Want more BADVICE? Read past installments here.

by Marini van Smirren