Give Halloween Back to the Kids

A message to you douches, sluts, posers, burnouts, & scumfucks who ruin it for the children

By Omar Afra

In the  interest of preemptively addressing your predictable response, I am going to preface this whole article with a simple message: I am a bitter, old, cantankerous prick.

In the not so distant past, there once existed a magical holiday full of fantasy and imagination. This special holiday was so grand that the best humans amongst us, children, could dress up and BECOME whatever or whoever they wanted. It was the one day of the year that kids had to shake off the shack- les of their everyday powerlessness and re-create themselves as some all powerful beast, superhero, mythical creature, or whatever they fancied. They could safely roam the streets and demand candy from complete strangers.

Fast forward to modern day Halloween. It has been hijacked by a legion of scoundrels who have turned it into ‘Spring Break with Costumes!’ Also, it is now the scariest night of the year for a whole new set of reasons. First and foremost, October 31st is now the most dangerous night of the year for pedestrians ( kids ) according to the American Automobile Association. “On Halloween, motorists need to be especially vigilant between the hours of 4 p.m. and midnight, when pedestrians are most vulnerable,” said Jennifer Huebner Davidson, AAA manager of traffic safety advocacy. Also, 48 percent of all high- way fatalities in the nation on Halloween night in 2024 involved a driver or a motorcycle rider with a blood alcohol concentration (BAC) of .08 or higher. What that means is people are not just getting drunk on Halloween but are getting FUCKING ANNIHILATED! Meanwhile, the streets have become unsafe for kids to fulfill the core mission of Halloween.

And aside from safety issues, Halloween cos- tumes have become precipitously more boring. With the exception of a few envelope-pushing badasses out there, the landscape is dominated by guys wearing some pop-culture reference and women in next to nothing. The angry feminist voice that resides deep in my hairy, Lebanese male body has a big problem with what Halloween has done to young women. It has become obvious to everyone that creative and imaginative costumes have been thrown out in exchange for sexually provocative and revealing ‘costumes’ that force women to sacrifice some dignity and remove their chances of having the badass creative options they had when they were a child. Now obviously, I hate myself for saying this aloud because we all like boobies and butts. But why should they only be unleashed on October 31st?

But to be fair, ultimately the message here is not for you 26 year old wasteoids to abstain from celebrating Halloween. It is rather that you do so while respecting whose party this really is. So that means have a house party, take a cab, yield to kids, and let them have their fun.