Good health is something all people strive for. But unfortunately, in today’s world, access to adequate healthcare to make said good health possible is often just out of reach. Even with Obamacare, which will perhaps not be along for very much longer if the Viagra-popping white walkers of the GOP get their way, premiums are still far too high. It goes without saying that the entire American healthcare system needs a massive reboot, but don’t hold your breath because that’s probably never going to happen. Maybe the best option for all of us is to just forgo traditional healthcare altogether and embrace the many natural medicines for better health that our dear flat earth offers us.

Not to mention, in the age of groundbreaking Internet publications like Goop, traditional healthcare is becoming so passé. Who needs to see a gynecologist when you can just store an energy realigning jade egg in your vagina? And who needs to see a psychiatrist when you can just realign your body’s energy frequency with wearable stickers that promote positivity and healing? Hell, who needs physical therapy when you can just wear a shirt with a positive affirmation on it?

It’s high time for all of us to say goodbye to the American healthcare system for good and embrace Hollywood’s trendy holistic approach to health maintenance. Forget Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders, it’s time to join the Kardashians!

Here are some tips for maintaining your health the NATURAL way, at least until your body is destroyed beyond repair in a geopolitical conflict brought on by the effects of climate change.


A Crystal A Day Keeps the Doctor Away:

For thousands of years people have been using crystals, which work through resonance and vibrations, to treat all kinds of illnesses. Crystals work by helping release spiritual, physical and mental blockages that cause ailments like testicular cancer, dementia and ALS. Every crystal vibrates at its own frequency and has its own unique healing attributes, so why not forgo health insurance altogether and turn the rock and mineral show into your new pharmacy?

I’ve been using quartz crystals, which help clear the mind, to treat my Bipolar Disorder for years, and it’s been working miracles on my delicate psyche! All I do is lube up a quartz crystal with coconut oil every morning and shove it up my anus, where it stays for the remainder of the day (also helps treat IBS). It goes without saying that it’s super hard to have a mood swing when you’re focusing all of your mental and physical energy on clinching your butthole tight enough to prevent the crystal you have shoved up your ass from falling to the floor and shattering into a million little pieces (Note: Do not put it back in if this happens).

Do you have Sickle Cell Anemia? Have you tried treating it with bloodstone, which can be worn around your neck as an amulet, instead of dangerous and unnatural big pharma-produced medications? Bloodstone works by helping to purify your blood, which ensures that your life force remains strong and healthy. This crystal is also a powerful energizer, so even if it doesn’t end up curing your disease it will at least give you the strength and enthusiasm to power through it!

Before you start using crystals to treat the many ailments caused by your inability to access adequate healthcare, it’s important to read up on how to appropriately charge them under the light of the moon. Every time there is a full moon, I place my assortment of medicinal crystals and stones in a bath of organic almond milk and let the moon do its magic to them. If almond milk isn’t your thing, you can also let your crystals soak in a vat of menstrual blood (no vegan option) or artisanal, small-batch kombucha. I’ve also heard of people treating gonorrhea (and super gonorrhea) by slathering their crystals in their discharge and then setting them out to soak up the moon’s healthful beams.


The Healing Power of Turmeric:

A host of scientific studies have shown that turmeric is just about one of the healthiest things you can put into your system, and that’s why I put turmeric in absolutely everything. And by everything, I mean everything — eye drops, bandaids, enemas, tampons, contact solution, etc. There is literally nothing that a turmeric and apple cider vinegar cocktail cannot fix. Have makeup-induced acne? Try making a foundation out of turmeric and equal parts LaCroix (coconut flavor works best). Not only will you say goodbye to your acne, but you’ll get a healthy, sun-kissed glow to your skin that even Donald Trump will be jealous of. Want to take off that makeup at the end of the day (before inserting your favorite crystal into your butt for some deep REM sleep)? Just make your own makeup remover with equal parts rubbing alcohol and turmeric.

Turmeric can also be used for an amazing full-body cleanse to help with weight maintenance. I’ve only consumed turmeric mixed with natural spring water for the past two months and I’ve lost an astonishing 40 pounds. It works, believe me! I’m so skinny and waif-like now that the only clothes in my closet that I can still wear are my ohm-sign-printed drawstring yoga pants and a t-shirt I stole from an American Girl doll.

Turmeric, as a spice, can also be mixed with any type of food you can imagine. Getting bored with the strawberry chia pudding you eat for breakfast every morning? Try mixing a couple of tablespoons of turmeric into it. Are you totally over the orange and mango smoothie you drink every day at noon for a quick pick-me-up? Try throwing a cup of turmeric into and you’ll never want to miss a day without it again.

Turmeric is the Mother Teresa of spices — albeit without the coerced deathbed conversions — and absolutely everyone could use a bit more of it in their life.


Coconut Oil For Every Ailment:

I remember watching the presidential election results trickle in on election day last November and wondering the whole time why liberals hadn’t gone out en masse the night before and rubbed coconut oil all over the damn polling stations. Coconut oil fixes everything! But they didn’t do that, hence we’re still here today with a shitty healthcare system and an increase in people being diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

Coconut oil can be used to treat a variety of ailments, including arthritis and diabetes. If you’re a diabetic, or know someone who is, you probably know that insulin is ridiculously expensive. One cost-saving measure is to cut your insulin with melted coconut oil. Not only will doing so allow you to stretch out your insulin supply, it will also give your pancreas a healthy glow (although you won’t be able to see it because it’s deep inside your body).

Everyone knows about the benefits of oil pulling, but have you tried oil pulling with your butt? I have, and it’s made my butthole much more pink and supple. All you do is douche with some melted coconut oil and then jump around your house for 20 minutes while trying to hold it in. It’s best to start with five minute sessions at the beginning, then start gradually increasing your hold time as your sphincter muscles start to bulk up.

Coconut oil can also be used to treat just about any skin condition under the sun. I suffer from eczema from time to time and treat it by coating my entire body in coconut oil then wrapping myself like a mummy in strips of hemp cloth. And hey, if it’s Halloween no one will even know why you’re doing it!


The Ancient Art Of Smudging:

Everyone knows that smudging with sage is one of the best ways to rid your home of evil spirits and negative energy, but did you know you can use the method to treat your body as well? Inhaling massive quantities of sage smoke has actually been proven to help treat a variety of respiratory illnesses, including asthma and bronchitis.

And guess what? Sage smoke can also be used to help you quit smoking cigarettes. It actually works! Instead of smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, I now just clambake under a hemp blanket with a burning sprig of sage every day for a couple of hours. Not only is this great for your lungs, it also helps you rid yourself of addictive behavior. And according to an article I read in an online anti-vaxxer publication, this is also one of the best way to cure small pox in small children.

Not convinced? You can’t knock it until you try it yourself!


Nature Is the Best Medicine:

Nature truly is the best medicine. Everyone struggles with depression from time to time, but people often don’t realize that deep, spiraling depression can actually be cured by just walking in a park for about 20 minutes a day. Who want’s to feel sad when there are so many flowers to pick and squirrels to become friends with? Squirrels are so silly and cute to watch! Not to mention, it’s been scientifically proven that looking at trees for at least 10 minutes a day can help rebalance the serotonin levels in your brain. Are you in need of knee replacement surgery? Have you tried just going on a brisk jog every day by a picturesque lake? Have arthritis in your hands? Maybe you should just try painting landscapes every day in a natural forest for a week or so. I’m positive that will fix the problem!

We live in such a big and beautiful world, and it’s a damn shame that sick and housebound people don’t go outside more often to smell the roses. The whole earth is basically a giant Bob Ross painting, so why not go out and explore it more. It’s good for you!



DISCLAIMER:  This is a satirical article. That being so, please do not attempt any of the actions listed in it.