BADVICE: MOUTH DIARRHEA - V. 31

BADVICE: MOUTH DIARRHEA - V. 31

Illustration by Shelby Hohl

Forget sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Disclaimer: You don’t have to facking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an butthole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.

CLICK HERE TO SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION TO BADVICE

So I’m what your consider a black hipster. There aren’t many of us in Houston but we are around. Usually hang out in EADO,Montrose,Heights at local establishment like bars, etc. Usually most people are friendly to me but there is a handle full of hipster chicks that always look at me. Are they looking cause there surprised to see me at places they like or do hipster chicks just dig black dudes?

“Hipster” is just another way to designate someone as pretentious, just like bro or douchebag.  Meeting girls out at bars sucks and worrying about what others think is also that. Be as black as that joy division shirt you’re wearing as you read this.

What soda will make me look the coolest?

Diet Coke.

Your thoughts on Internet dating sites?? Give it a go, or waste of time? I’ve always been pretty anti-Internet dating, but lately I’ve been thinking that maybe I’m being too close-minded (except for Tinder, I can’t bring myself to be that materialistic). I’m pretty social and outgoing, but I’m also not good at asking dudes out nor am I coming across awesome guys I can throw game at. Advice?

This reminds me a lot of when people say “I lose things all the time.” It’s not that you’re terrible at asking people out, it’s that you’re terrified of rejection, like everyone else.

Also, are you talking about not good at asking out dudes, or not finding good enough dudes to ask out because those are two, very separate questions.  Because if it’s the latter, maybe it’s because you hang out at Grand Prize all the time.

I was unfriended by this dude I’ve know since high school and I think it’s because I had a baby. He posted years ago when I first had a kid, how annoying it is to see all the pictures people post of their kids on fb and the stories they tell about their kids. Anyways, should I find it incredibly rude ? I kind of don’t and think it’s actually funny. I mean, how annoying can it be to see a picture of a child? I don’t constantly post stories about my child’s day to day life but I also don’t constantly post pictures of my dinner, #mcm, politics, job stress, selfies or etc and I find all of those things pretty obnoxious.  I especially hate when people talk about being prolife. I’m prochoice. I have a kid and I think it’s TOTALLY OK for someone to abort their baby if they want to! This took a drastic turn, I don’t even know what I was trying to ask. In all honesty,  I just want you to continue on with this column so I’m posting things. Because some things are better than no things. You’re welcome.

He probably unfriended you because your kid isn’t as cute as you think your kid is. As annoying as food pictures might be, people aren’t posting ‘grams of their gross ass meals. It’s usually something that looks delicious. And if someone is posting gross ass pictures of food, you’d probably unfollow them, right? Because you don’t want to see that all up in your feed? So maybe take a clue.

And way to go being pro-choice! Check out https://www.lilithfund.org/!

Level with me, picking your nose is totally fulfilling. Especially when they’re hard and not gooey. Am I right?

Totally satisfying. If done in the bathroom. With the door closed. And a tissue. That you throw away. Don’t do that and expect anyone to share the same satisfaction as you as they’re not picking it out of their own nose.

I suffer from mouth diarrhea. How can I make sure to shut the fuck up?

When you have ass diarrhea, you take Imodium through your mouth. Consider breaking down the Imodium with water, sucking the substance into a syringe, and shoving it up your ass because you’re the worst kind of people. Shut the fuck up already. We’re all bored.

I can’t remember if I asked my question because YOU HAVEN’T POSTED A NEW BADVICE IN FOREVERRRRRR.

As much as I would love BadVice to be a full time gig, I realized I can’t be drunk all the time.

Why do you think you have to pander for questions?

Probably because I don’t actually give “badvice” and I’m a drunk, elitist bitch.

Do you think you would get more questions if you actually gave “badvice”? Instead of being a drunk, elitist bitch all the time?

Oh shit! I was just saying that. Omg, we’re like totally on the same page! BFF, amirite?

by Marini van Smirren