2014 Headline of the Year
Let’s start off with some animal stories, move on to crime, then we’ll do sex and sex(y) crimes, which is a natural segue to children and old people, loop back with some poop and farts, then close it off with two runners up and one winner. Cool? Let’s go!
Animals
Panda Fakes Pregnancy To Get More Food
#spiritanimal
World milking championships darkened by doping allegations
Milking just ain’t the gentleman’s sport it used to be.
Flatulent cows start fire at German dairy farm - police
Is this a fart story or an animal story? It’s both!
There is a lizard sex satellite floating in space and Russia no longer has it under control
What is this, V meets Barbarella?
Russia confirms death of five geckos on space sex mission
They died for a noble cause.
This Political Campaign Ad Features A Horse With A Large Erection
I am used to seeing at least one horse’s ass in every political ad, but this is a first.
Crime
Meat Bandit Leaves Pants Behind
But he did walk away with a skirt steak.
Poetry vs. prose debate leads to fatal stabbing
Guess the pen wasn’t mightier than the sword, after all.
Juggalos engage hipsters in Portland turf war
Two birds, one stone.
Man arrested after stopping to play with cats during police chase
So many potential puns with this one.
Underwear thief is caught after ceiling collapses under the weight of the 2,000 sets of lingerie he had hidden in China
The Unbearable Lightness of Sheer Frilly Underthings
MAN ACCUSED OF DRIVING DRUNK WITH PEDESTRIAN IN WINDSHIELD
In his defense, he wasn’t that drunk.
Police Cruiser Slams into Dunkin Donuts
Nuff Said
Police: Teen rubbed genitals on customer’s pizza
I love pizza as much as the next guy but…actually, maybe I don’t love pizza as much as this saucy rapscallion.
Woman in sumo wrestler suit assaulted her ex-girlfriend in gay pub after she waved at man dressed as a Snickers bar
And fuck that Snickers bar, too!
Vancouver residents terrorized by mysterious huge-donged Satan statue
Canadians…
Penis satan statue site now home to a penguin in sunglasses
Canadians…
Florida Town Must Open Meeting With Satanic Prayer or Violate Supreme Court Ruling
Floridians…
Man Stabs Co-Worker Over a Stolen Meatball
In his defense, he lost his previous meatball when somebody sneezed.
Man Fined For Pretending To Be A Ghost At Cemetery, Making ‘Wooo’ Noises Around Mourners
So that’s how you spell “wooo.”
Florida man attacks mom’s boyfriend with Samurai sword over missing can of shrimp
Florida. Always Florida.
Meet the Colorado bank robber dubbed the ‘Good Grammar Bandit’
Dream student or down-on-his-luck teacher?
Crafty crook in Santa suit robs bank during SantaCon
Genius disguise!
‘Nerdy Bandit’ Arrested After Most Hipster Robbery Of All Time
Genius disguise in Portland!
Fargo Man Arrested For Clearing Snow With Flamethrower
This man should get a patent, not bracelets.
Bodies & Sex
There’s Going To Be A “Mass Face-Sitting Protest” Outside Parliament
The lady doth protest too much methinks.
The Parisian Butt Plug Christmas Tree Has Been Destroyed
Let me guess — chocolate starfish topper.
Edward Smith has sex with more than 700 cars, lost virginity to a VW Beetle
Nothin’ wrong with gettin’ a little tailpipe. (He uses 10W40 for lube.)
Denmark moves to ban bestiality: Controversial right to have sex with animals will be outlawed
When sex with animals is outlawed, only outlaws will have sex with animals.
American Exchange Student Pulled Out of Giant German Vagina
People are taking this born again thing way too far.
Horny Redditors Jerk Off to Photo of Dude’s Butt, Thinking It’s Boobs
My eyes are up here, horny redditors.
Pipe Bursts at Dick-Shaped Church
Sprays holy water water everywhere.
Jewish woman builds career on butt
Building them assets. (Stackin’ that paper?)
“Vaginal Knitting” As Activist Performance Art
It’s a period piece.
We Hired A Male Escort And All We Got Was A Lousy Lecture On Dismantling Capitalism
FPH editor caught moonlighting as a male escort.
Sex(y) Crimes
Kid Rock Subpeonaed To Produce Glass Dildo As Evidence In Insane Clown Posse Lawsuit
One of this headline’s greatest strengths is that you could cut it short at almost any point and it would still be sublime.
Man Arrested, Accused of Sucking Woman’s Toes at Walmart
Is there actually a law on the books against this?
Man cleared of owning ‘extreme porn’ after tiger in sex video revealed to be man in costume
In police’s defense, the sound was super realistic, anybody could’ve made that mistake.
Florida Woman Caught Stealing Liquor by Hiding It Up Her You-Know-What
The headline is good, but the photo is pure gold.
Bad Molly Takes Colorado State Student On Insane, Masturbatory Rampage
This Molly girl sounds like trouble.
Post-Threesome Hamburger Meat Taste Test Leads to Bathroom Brawl
This is why you should always taste test your hamburger meat before the threesome.
Cops: Woman Crashes Car While Shaving Her Privates
If you had her commute, you’d multitask, too.
Police: Man had sex with pool toy, again
Ah juss caint quitcha.
Off his trolley: Man sentenced after trying to have sex with a buffet cart
I remember my first beer.
Philly Terrorized By Swiss Cheese Masturbator
No cream cheese jokes please.
Drunk woman caught having sex in car park tries to wear cheeseburger as a shoe
Store-bought cheeseburger?
Cormac McCarthy’s Ex-Wife Pulled a Gun Out of Her Vagina During an Argument About Aliens
As you do.
Police Find Entire Jewelry Store Inside Teen’s Rectum
Nobody believed him when he said he was sitting on a gold mine.
Children & Old People
Accidentally setting myself on fire helped me overcome my fear of living alone
Now would you please hand me the fire extinguisher?
A 9-Year-Old Girl Accidentally Killed Her Gun Instructor With an Uzi in Arizona
Live by the gun…
Imbecile Seeks Input From Bigoted Halfwit
Another Tuesday night on Fox News.
Grandparents Keep Accidentally Tagging Grandmaster Flash In Facebook Posts And It’s Completely Adorable
Some days I really love the internet.
Casey Kasem’s Wife Throws Raw Hamburgers at His Kids Because the Bible Told Her So
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Farts & Poops
Butt-Smuggling Fart-Puncher Arrives at Indiana Jail
The remainder of the story can be summarized as “Hijinks ensued.”
Sewer was blocked by large Pooh
It’s not what you think.
Flight Grounded By Farting Woman
Breaking the wind beneath my wings. (“You’re grounded!”)
Scientists Say Smelling Farts Might Prevent Cancer
You’re welcome, you ingrates!
Houston Neighborhood Haunted by Serial Pooper
This wouldn’t even make the news in my neighborhood.
Second Runner Up
Is Obama Too Normcore to Defeat Putin?
Runner Up
Firm Contracted to Build Fence on US-Mexico Border is Fined for Hiring Illegal Workers
2014 Headline of the Year
University President takes $90,000 pay cut to give raises to minimum-wage workers
Somebody name a stadium for this man!
