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 Harbeer Sandhu
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2014 Headline of the Year

2014 Headline of the Year
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Leon casino,  

Let’s start off with some animal stories, move on to crime, then we’ll do sex and sex(y) crimes, which is a natural segue to children and old people, loop back with some poop and farts, then close it off with two runners up and one winner. Cool? Let’s go!

 

Animals

Panda Fakes Pregnancy To Get More Food

#spiritanimal

World milking championships darkened by doping allegations

Milking just ain’t the gentleman’s sport it used to be.

Flatulent cows start fire at German dairy farm - police

Is this a fart story or an animal story? It’s both!

There is a lizard sex satellite floating in space and Russia no longer has it under control

What is this, V meets Barbarella? 

Russia confirms death of five geckos on space sex mission

They died for a noble cause.

This Political Campaign Ad Features A Horse With A Large Erection

I am used to seeing at least one horse’s ass in every political ad, but this is a first.

 

Crime

Meat Bandit Leaves Pants Behind

But he did walk away with a skirt steak.

Poetry vs. prose debate leads to fatal stabbing

 Guess the pen wasn’t mightier than the sword, after all.

Juggalos engage hipsters in Portland turf war

 Two birds, one stone.

Man arrested after stopping to play with cats during police chase

 So many potential puns with this one.

Underwear thief is caught after ceiling collapses under the weight of the 2,000 sets of lingerie he had hidden in China 

 The Unbearable Lightness of Sheer Frilly Underthings

MAN ACCUSED OF DRIVING DRUNK WITH PEDESTRIAN IN WINDSHIELD

 In his defense, he wasn’t that drunk.

Police Cruiser Slams into Dunkin Donuts

 Nuff Said

Police: Teen rubbed genitals on customer’s pizza

 I love pizza as much as the next guy but…actually, maybe I don’t love pizza as much as this saucy rapscallion.

Woman in sumo wrestler suit assaulted her ex-girlfriend in gay pub after she waved at man dressed as a Snickers bar

 And fuck that Snickers bar, too!

Vancouver residents terrorized by mysterious huge-donged Satan statue

Canadians…

Penis satan statue site now home to a penguin in sunglasses

 Canadians…

Florida Town Must Open Meeting With Satanic Prayer or Violate Supreme Court Ruling

Floridians

Man Stabs Co-Worker Over a Stolen Meatball

 In his defense, he lost his previous meatball when somebody sneezed.

Man Fined For Pretending To Be A Ghost At Cemetery, Making ‘Wooo’ Noises Around Mourners

So that’s how you spell “wooo.” 

Florida man attacks mom’s boyfriend with Samurai sword over missing can of shrimp

 Florida. Always Florida.

Meet the Colorado bank robber dubbed the ‘Good Grammar Bandit’

 Dream student or down-on-his-luck teacher?

Crafty crook in Santa suit robs bank during SantaCon

Genius disguise!

‘Nerdy Bandit’ Arrested After Most Hipster Robbery Of All Time

Genius disguise in Portland!

Fargo Man Arrested For Clearing Snow With Flamethrower

 This man should get a patent, not bracelets.

 

Bodies & Sex

There’s Going To Be A “Mass Face-Sitting Protest” Outside Parliament

 The lady doth protest too much methinks.

The Parisian Butt Plug Christmas Tree Has Been Destroyed

Let me guess — chocolate starfish topper.

Edward Smith has sex with more than 700 cars, lost virginity to a VW Beetle

 Nothin’ wrong with gettin’ a little tailpipe. (He uses 10W40 for lube.)

Denmark moves to ban bestiality: Controversial right to have sex with animals will be outlawed

 When sex with animals is outlawed, only outlaws will have sex with animals.

American Exchange Student Pulled Out of Giant German Vagina

People are taking this born again thing way too far.

Horny Redditors Jerk Off to Photo of Dude’s Butt, Thinking It’s Boobs

My eyes are up here, horny redditors.

Pipe Bursts at Dick-Shaped Church

 Sprays holy water water everywhere.

Jewish woman builds career on butt

 Building them assets. (Stackin’ that paper?)

“Vaginal Knitting” As Activist Performance Art

 It’s a period piece.

We Hired A Male Escort And All We Got Was A Lousy Lecture On Dismantling Capitalism

FPH editor caught moonlighting as a male escort.

 

Sex(y) Crimes

Kid Rock Subpeonaed To Produce Glass Dildo As Evidence In Insane Clown Posse Lawsuit

 One of this headline’s greatest strengths is that you could cut it short at almost any point and it would still be sublime.

Man Arrested, Accused of Sucking Woman’s Toes at Walmart

Is there actually a law on the books against this? 

Man cleared of owning ‘extreme porn’ after tiger in sex video revealed to be man in costume

 In police’s defense, the sound was super realistic, anybody could’ve made that mistake.

Florida Woman Caught Stealing Liquor by Hiding It Up Her You-Know-What

The headline is good, but the photo is pure gold.

Bad Molly Takes Colorado State Student On Insane, Masturbatory Rampage

 This Molly girl sounds like trouble.

Post-Threesome Hamburger Meat Taste Test Leads to Bathroom Brawl

This is why you should always taste test your hamburger meat before the threesome.

Cops: Woman Crashes Car While Shaving Her Privates

If you had her commute, you’d multitask, too.

Police: Man had sex with pool toy, again

 Ah juss caint quitcha.

Off his trolley: Man sentenced after trying to have sex with a buffet cart

 I remember my first beer.

Philly Terrorized By Swiss Cheese Masturbator

No cream cheese jokes please.

Drunk woman caught having sex in car park tries to wear cheeseburger as a shoe

 Store-bought cheeseburger?

Cormac McCarthy’s Ex-Wife Pulled a Gun Out of Her Vagina During an Argument About Aliens

 As you do.

Police Find Entire Jewelry Store Inside Teen’s Rectum

 Nobody believed him when he said he was sitting on a gold mine.

 

Children & Old People

Accidentally setting myself on fire helped me overcome my fear of living alone

Now would you please hand me the fire extinguisher?

A 9-Year-Old Girl Accidentally Killed Her Gun Instructor With an Uzi in Arizona

Live by the gun…

Imbecile Seeks Input From Bigoted Halfwit

Another Tuesday night on Fox News.

Grandparents Keep Accidentally Tagging Grandmaster Flash In Facebook Posts And It’s Completely Adorable

 Some days I really love the internet.

Casey Kasem’s Wife Throws Raw Hamburgers at His Kids Because the Bible Told Her So

 The Lord works in mysterious ways.

 

Farts & Poops

Butt-Smuggling Fart-Puncher Arrives at Indiana Jail

 The remainder of the story can be summarized as “Hijinks ensued.”

Sewer was blocked by large Pooh

It’s not what you think.

Flight Grounded By Farting Woman

 Breaking the wind beneath my wings. (“You’re grounded!”)

Scientists Say Smelling Farts Might Prevent Cancer

 You’re welcome, you ingrates!

Houston Neighborhood Haunted by Serial Pooper

This wouldn’t even make the news in my neighborhood.

 

Second Runner Up

Is Obama Too Normcore to Defeat Putin?

 

Runner Up

Firm Contracted to Build Fence on US-Mexico Border is Fined for Hiring Illegal Workers

 

2014 Headline of the Year

University President takes $90,000 pay cut to give raises to minimum-wage workers

Somebody name a stadium for this man!