BADVICE: SIX DICKS NONE THE RICHER
Illustration by Valeria Pinchuk
Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE
SIX DICKS NONE THE RICHER
Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.
I’M TURNED OFF BY MY GIRLFRIENDS HAIRY FOREARMS.
Tell her to join the swim team and she’ll have to shave that shit or after a long night of drinking you could Nair her arms like a really petty spy.
ERECTIONS AT YOGA. HIDE ‘EM OR OWN ‘EM?
Yoga pants are for females, dummy. This is an acceptable time to wear basketball shorts. The ONLY other acceptable times for wearing basketball shorts, if you are not aware, is when playing basketball, laundry days or in your mom’s basement where you live; Empire café is not your mom’s breakfast nook. Then you can just tuck that boner into your waistband and remember your middle school days.
DO BISEXUALS EXIST? BONUS FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: WHY DOES EVERYBODY (MEN AND WOMEN) HATE MEN WHO SWING BOTH WAYS
Bisexuals exist. They’re a real thing. They’re selfish motherfuckers who want the both of best worlds, but you can’t blame them.
As for people who hate men who swing both ways… It’s actually really tight that people are into that. I wanna be with someone who can explore themselves, not assume they know who they are without trying. If someone isn’t into that life, man, fuck that fucking shallow person.
WHAT’S YOUR IDEAL BOOTY CALL?
I take my booty calls like I take my pop music; simple and catchy. If your 3 to 4 minutes makes me hum to myself the next day, we may meet again.
WHAT IS THE PROPER ETIQUETTE FOR SHARING SEX TOYS? I AM A MAN AND IF I REACH INTO MY NIGHTSTAND WHILE SMASHING AND WHIP OUT A VIBRATOR OR DILDO TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL, IT IS SAFE TO ASSUME THAT TOY HAS BEEN PLACES BEFORE. PART OF ME SAYS THAT’S OK BECAUSE IT’S EQUALLY SAFE TO ASSUME THAT MY DICK HAS “BEEN PLACES BEFORE,” TOO, SO HOW IS A TOY ANY DIFFERENT, BUT PART OF ME KNOWS THAT IT’S KIND OF ICKY, TOO. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Do your sex toys take showers everyday? For that matter, are you? Because you should be washing your dick between vagina/ asshole. That is the polite thing to do.
If your sex toys aren’t taking showers everyday you should stick that shit in the dishwasher (top rack) because that’s how you keep that shit so fresh and so clean.
WE ALL KNOW THAT ONE OF THE WORST KINDS OF LOVERS IS THE “PILLOW QUEEN” — AN EXCEPTIONALLY PRETTY LITTLE THING WHO IS SO USED TO ADORATION THAT SHE THINKS SHE’S DOING YOU A FAVOR BY GETTING NAKED WITH YOU, SO SHE JUST LIES THERE PASSIVELY, LETTING YOU DO THINGS TO HER BUT NOT GIVING ANYTHING BACK IN RETURN, NOT EVEN SOUNDS TO INDICATE SHE’S ENJOYING HERSELF. BUT WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE OPPOSITE, THE “OVER ACTOR?” ONE GIRL I HOOKED UP WITH RECENTLY WAS SCREAMING AND MOANING AND PANTING BEFORE WE EVEN TOOK OUR CLOTHES OFF, I MEAN WE WERE STILL IN LIKE THE ASS-GRABBING/NECK-BITING STAGE, I HADN’T EVEN WHIPPED IT OUT YET, MUCH LESS STUCK IT IN. SHE WAS FAKING IT LIKE MEG RYAN IN WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, AND FRANKLY, IT WAS THE OPPOSITE OF A TURN-ON AND IT ONLY GOT WORSE FROM THERE. WHEN I TALKED TO MY FRIENDS ABOUT IT LATER, THEY SAID THAT MAYBE SHE WAS JUST TRYING TO SHOW ME THAT SHE’S INTO ME, BUT I AM PRETTY CONFIDENT IN THE SACK AND I DON’T NEED FAKED ENTHUSIASM TO BOOST MY EGO. THE WHOLE THING WAS KIND OF OFF-PUTTING AND LEFT ME UNSETTLED FOR AT LEAST A WEEK, AND IT’S A BUMMER BECAUSE THIS IS SOMEONE THAT I LIKE A LOT, EVEN IF IT’S CLEAR THAT WE DON’T HAVE THAT CHEMISTRY. ANYWAY, WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO BE FAKE AND WHAT DO YOU DO WITH AN OVER-ACTOR? (DON’T SAY “PUT YOUR DICK IN HER MOUTH,” BECAUSE I TRIED THAT, TOO, AND IT WAS ONLY A TEMPORARY SOLUTION.) OR MAYBE I SHOULD BE ASKING YOU HOW TO WRAP A BALL-GAG IN A ROMANTICAL WAY.
TL;DR. Honestly, if you talk half as much as you type, you should be happy that you’re getting any kind of pussy.
SHOULD I KILL MY FEELINGS FOR THIS GIRL? I LIKE HER A LOT. SHE SEEMS TO LIKE ME. BUT SHE SAYS SHE WANTS SPACE TO BE SINGLE AND NOT COMMIT TO A RELATIONSHIP. BUT SHE STILL TEXTS ME AND SHOWS AN INTEREST, ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE’S DRUNK. SHOULD I STAY HUNG UP ON HER AND JUST HOPE SHE FIGURES THIS SHIT OUT BEFORE MY HEART EXPLODES OR CUT MY LOSSES NOW? AND HOW WOULD I DO EITHER OF THESE THINGS?
Would you want to own a pet that only wanted affection when it was hungry? If you answered yes, buy a cat. It would be waaay cheaper than the pussy you’re currently chasing.
WHY DO UNICORNS DO BACKFLIPS OFF OF PTERODACTYLS?
Oh, you must be the funny one in your family.
HOW TO SEDUCE YOUR ROOMMATE’S GIRL AND STILL BE FRIENDS. MY MALE ROOMMATE BROUGHT HOME A CHICK THE OTHER NIGHT WHO WAS FLIRTING WITH ME THE WHOLE TIME SHE WAS HERE AND CLEARLY WANTS ME TO HAVE MY WAY WITH HER CLITORIS. I AM FEMALE, BUT A LITTLE PUSSY EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE DOES A WOMAN GOOD. THE ONLY THING STOPPING ME FROM BRINGING THIS BITCH TO ORGASMIC BLISS IS THE FACT THAT I CARE ABOUT MY ROOMMATE AND DON’T WANT TO EMASCULATE HIM BY OPENLY SEDUCING HIS GIRL. ANY ADVICE ON A DIPLOMATIC WAY TO GO ABOUT THIS?
Let him know that this cunt is a whore and flirting with you when he’s not looking, then propose tag teaming her.
Plus, in my opinion, it’s more emasculating when a girl fucks another dude than another girl.
MY BOYFRIEND SUCKS AT EATING ME OUT. HALP!
Just guide him. There isn’t a pussy eating class, you know. The likelihood of his parental unit sitting down with him and giving him a step by step is fucking unlikely. How is he supposed to know if you don’t say anything? He’ll just think that he’s doing a good job. You can’t fake that shit if you’re not happy with it. And you don’t have to be a cunt about it either when it goes down. Maybe find the one thing he does that you really like and point it out. God, what an annoying question! It’s so obvious what you should do. Maybe he’s really good at it and you’re just a frigid bitch.
HOW DO I RESPOND TO NEGATIVE GOSSIP I HEAR ABOUT ME?
Is the negative gossip true? Then fucking own up to it, you chump. Jesus, I’m so tired of all you titty babies not being able to handle the truth about yourself. If you’re that awful, you deserve to be gossiped about.
If it’s not true, fucking call them out. Find the source and approach them. Remember anytime you approach someone in a manner that can be considered threatening be as calm as possible. Then look them in the eyes, and correct the gossip. Flip your hair as you’re walking away.
Also, side note: if someone doesn’t want to be friends with you because of negative GOSSIP they heard, then FUCK THAT PERSON.
SHOULD I FUCK MY EX?
Look, that’s like Jack in the Box. Hear me out. Okay, so you know when you’re really drunk and into bad decisions and then you’re like, “OMG, I should have Jack in the Box because I’m so hungry.” Jack in the Box is cheap and makes you feel like shit the next day. That’s the same as fucking an ex. If might feel okay in the moment, but you’ll feel horrible the next day.
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