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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Valeria Pinchuk

Leon casino, Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE


Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.


Is your dad a baker? Because you have a nice set of buns. So basically I’m in love with this dude blah blah all the basic bullshit you hear. Anyways we’re not together, he’s an ex and we are still somewhat together and fucking our lives, fucking typical. But for a good while now I have been wanting to get with a girl, but I have no idea how to approach a bitch.

You should meet a girl in an English class and learn how to write a goddamn sentence.


Is it ever acceptable to genuinely compliment a woman on one or more of her physical features, while she’s at work? I’ve always had a hard time with this. I also hate feeling like a creep or “hitting” on a girl, but for example; there’s this girl at Whole Foods who genuinely has one of the most beautiful asses I have ever seen. I honestly just want to tell her straight up that she has a beautiful caboose. Is this ever okay to do? Side question - not complimenting a physical feature, but just asking a girl out while she’s at work - is that ever okay? I feel like people should have a right to not be fucked with while at work but some cases I just don’t know any other way.  

Dude, fuck you people who write these fucking side questions. Side bonus question? Fuck you.

It’s like people asking you to be funny on the spot; it’s a terrible feeling. When you go to work, you’re dressing to work. She’s wearing khaki pants and stocking mayonnaise.

Also, don’t compliment her on something she has no control over. Her parents had sex and the genetics created that ass. You were probably that person who liked someone when they were younger because of the kind of car they had, not because of what kind of person they were.

Anyway, start with the face, then work your way down to her ass on the like 15th date.


How do I stop thinking about fucking my classmate? I cannot stop thinking about having sex with my classmate, another grad student, who I work with closely on a course project. I see him almost every day in classes. I am in a committed relationship with someone else and I don’t even think he’s that attractive, but I constantly imagine him fucking me and whispering to me in his thick Middle Eastern accent. I haven’t told anyone or done anything about it.

If your commitment to school is anything like your commitment to your relationship, you’re probably failing.


I know one day I’ll die and I know I won’t be remembered forever… so how do I make things matter now if later I know it won’t.

There’s a quote for this, I just don’t know who said it. How does it go? What the fuck is it? Live your life where the people around you would always defend you but never have to.


My boyfriend mistook another girl for me on Halloween and slapped her ass. How pissed off should I be?

On a scale of one to ten, you should be zero. Accidents happen. Also, if she had a nice ass, you should actually take it as a compliment. However, if it looked like your costume was draped over a mound of hamburger meat, well, you should be at like an eight on that scale.


Any tips on optimizing a DMT trip?

Fill a bathtub up with water and put ONLY YOUR EARS under the water. No lights. No talking. No music. No nothing. That shit is made under the trip.


I’m going to my friends place for Thanksgiving but I’m a vegan. How can I ask for vegan options without coming off like a jerk?

Lol, no such thing. Just pack a lunch, biiiiitch.



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Want more Badvice? Read past installments here.