Marini van Smirren
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Illustration by Shelby Hohl

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE


Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. We know we sound like assholes. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.




am I always going to be awkward around my hot cousin and is it that obvious?

BADVICE: Not if you start fucking your first brother. First cousins at this point is tame. Let’s start talking about first sister, first father, first mother. First cousin was so Jerry Lee Lewis. It’s 2024. Step up your game if you’re really going to go down that route.


So what’s the problem with polygamy? It sounds badass!…And would you be one of my wives?

DADVICE: As a dad, polygamy is cool, but I just question the value of spending your life folding paper time after time

BADVICE: Wait, folding paper?

DADVICE: Polygamy fucking origami: what’s the difference?


is it wrong to have a file folder dedicated to nudes of all your exes and to jerk it to those photos every now and again? At what point should I delete it? Should I print the photos out and make an amateur art show out of it?

BADVICE: Never delete them. Jack off to them as long as they make you cum. Because when you are old and people start calling you “sir”, you’ll look at them and those pictures will be the only proof of the life you used to live. Put it on 500 hard drives, and back up the back up’s back up. But don’t show them. If you show them to anyone, they just turn into titties to you and that person. Not the height of when someone was so turned on by you that they sent you a photo of them holding open their pussy lips.


What would you do if you were trying to have sympathy sex with a nerdy guy and he couldn’t get a boner?

DADVICE: I thought sympathy sex was masturbating in front of someone because they couldn’t get it on?


What is a good time of the year to move to LA? All my friends are out there eating limp biscuits and I want to join them!

DADVICE: See answer above: move to LA anytime if you want sympathy sex because of the limp biscuit (although that is a rather strange thing to call a broken penis) That’s the dog’s bullocks for sure!


Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

BADVICE: What’s funny about this question is actually googling “Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?” and finding all the people who responded seriously. Are people that dull that they didn’t pick up a joke, or are people so dumb they actually think there are animals in animal crackers? Either way, I’m sure there is someone bitching about it somewhere.


I’m a Montrose kid, in my mid 20s, have a good job, live by myself, do cool shit/have cool hobbies, but I’m still a virgin and I’ve never dated a girl. Should I go to Nevada where sex work is legal and just blow money on drinks, buffets, and sex, or should I continue pushing my luck at Grand Prize and Poison Girl at this point?

DADVICE: As a father, I feel a parental obligation to accompany you.

BADVICE: Accompany them where?

DADVICE: Nevada.


Where the fuck is Carmen Sandiego?!

BADVICE: In your mother’s fat, hairy, stinky pussy.


How do you stay confident? for me it can get saddening to be simply decent looking when there are so many fucking gorgeous girls out there! i know, should not give a shit but I sometimes do and am just wondering how you stay confident amongst the freakishly genetically blessed

ps: you are a badass & i can sense you own who are (hence why I’m asking you this question) 

DADVICE: All Dads (and men in general) are genetically blessed, they are not fucking women. They don’t give a shit.

BADVICE: My father raised me, so I guess you could say I just don’t give a shit, and that’s what keeps me confident. Also, fuck you. My button nose is adorable.


The only existing photo of BadVice and DadVice




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