Marini van Smirren
No Comments


Decrease Font SizeIncrease Font SizeText SizePrint This Page

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Shelby Hohl

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE


Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.



Sick of St. Patrick’s Day Stereotypes. As an Irish-American, I am offended when people celebrate my heritage by dying shit green, binge-drinking, and dressing as Leprechauns. On Cinco de Mayo, I am very respectful. You won’t catch me eating at Taco Bell because I don’t want to offend Mexicans. On Martin Luther King Day, I don’t eat at KFC because I know that all of the colored people will want to eat there. Am I being unreasonable or should I just don a shamrock and tell dirty limericks?

Wow, you should go to a cultural sensitivity class, you racist fuck.



What should a newly single 26 year old do in Houston? So I’m 26 and getting divorced. Since my ex and I have been together since I was 18, I have no idea what to do with myself. Any badvice?

Since you’re new to the dating scene in Montrose, follow the following steps:

If you’re looking for the cokehead photographer that you can get X from, go to Boondocks/ Grand Prize.
If you’re looking for the dude who won’t pay more than $5 for an entry fee to a show, go to House of Creeps.
If you’re looking for an old cokehead to make you feel better about yourself, check out Next Door Bar.

When you get over being a whore and you want to actually meet someone, try a library, or somewhere where you don’t feel bad about yourself.



How old is too old for Friday night at Numbers?

If you feel uncomfortable, you’re too old, but Numbers is one of those places where you can always go to feel young.

James Templeton, co –producer of “Friday I’m in Love” a Number’s documentary, says, “Until you are physically unable to dance to “Warm Leatherette”, you are never too old to be at Numbers on a Friday night.”



I know you’ve touched on dick pics before, but I really think my girl is hinting that she wants one, and I kind of want to satisfy that need. Thoughts?

Dick pics are like a trust fall. They might be there to catch you, and then eventually you’ll have to get up and it can be over and fine. Or you could fall and they catch you but then drop you at the end. Or you could fall, and no one is there to catch you at all. Just know that eventually you’ll walk away fine, but you might have a headache depending on how it all works out. Satisfy that need if you must. Oh, and remember, multiple people are going to see this dick (seriously, it’s gonna be shown) so make sure it’s in its prime (tug a little and groom).



Sigh. Why are people freaking out over R. Kelly at FPSF? Don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way defending R. Kelly. But I do fucking love me some Trapped in the Closet and high school would not have been the same without Ignition (Remix). More seriously, my life has been affected by sexual predators as well so don’t even think I’m some kind of insensitive idiot. I just have some fucking common sense and would personally choose to contribute to this larger issue in another way. Now, I assume all of these picketters have jobs or own businesses as well. Do they not (unknowingly) conduct business with unconvicted child molesters, rapists and other unsavory people on a daily basis? Houston is a very large city. Does the money that these people bring to them (directly or indirectly) feel any different than money from more wholesome individuals? Do they screen each person they come into contact with, 365 days a year? Do they apply the same intolerance of supporting these sickos towards other non-music festival lineup related issues? I’m just curious because where the fuck did all of these touchy social media activists come from all of a sudden to complain about R. Kelly making a probably 40 minute appearance in Houston to a bunch of fucking drunk and rolling 20somethings that willfully paid too much money to see R. Kelly? There are far too many other more pressing issues in the world than making a huge fucking deal over banning R Kelly from a god damn music festival. Jesus. These people should really take a look at what they are doing with their time and figure out a more constructive action for the cause of sexual predator awareness (or whatever the hell they are doing). I don’t even know if this is a question anymore. I’m just mad and using the internet like all of these other fucking Women’s Christian Temperance movement internetters.

Omg, I thought the dress was white and gold.



hey Badvice i have always wanted to ask you a question but never had anything good to ask. until now. How can I tell if my boyfriend is just using me for sex?

Are your legs pinned back next to your head on a medical table in a dungeon? If that’s the case, YES he’s using you for sex but I’m not sure if the usage of “boyfriend” is accurate. Maybe “captor” is the word you’re looking for.



Is it me or is everyone taking Adderall and acting like meth heads?

No, everyone is snorting meth. Coke is too common now, so people felt the need to pump it up a bit. Oh, and everyone has been taking Adderall for a while now. That’s old news.




Like BADVICE on Facebook!
Follow BADVICE on Instagram!
Want more BADVICE? Read past installments here.