Marini van Smirren
No Comments


Decrease Font SizeIncrease Font SizeText SizePrint This Page

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Austin Smith

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.



Why does my wife beat me?

Because you don’t read Game Informer, dude. You don’t just step into winning games, you have to prepare yourself. Really get in there. One word, three times: practice, practice, practice.

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start
Learn power spikes
Always be moving, stay hidden, take the high ground.
Learn how to drift in the cart
Clear out 4 rows at once for ultimate points.

But seriously - keep practicing. That’s the only way you’re going to be able to beat your wife.


who should I vote for?

You know, if you’re going to go to fucking BadVice for political advice, just pencil in “Double Hitler”. That way your ballot doesn’t fucking count, and we don’t have to worry about someone who can’t be arsed to do the research and choose the right candidate for them and those around them on their own, polluting the decision.


how do I tell this girl, I’ve been fucking, that her pussy doesn’t taste as good as it used to and I’m probably going to leave it soon?

There are ways around that before dumping someone. “Awe, man, my fucking carpet is dirty. Better burn it and buy a new one.” Who does that?


Do you have another carpet that you’re about to roll in and spread?

Because then you just tell ol’ girl you’re allergic to tuna now, and bail.


So there is this guy… that I believe to be that one person in this life…my person in this life; I may just be a little too stoned, but that’s the kind of love that I’m in. You know how you have like little heart things that when you think about them you realize that everything is going to be okay? Little heart things that make you feel safe? That’s how it is for me when I see him in class or something.
We used to be best friends but we don’t talk anymore and i really miss him and he’s graduating next week and I’m so scared I’m loosing the love of my life..
Please help me if you can.
Thank you so much.

Bummmmmmerrrrrr. Bummerbummerbummer.

I bet one of your friends dared you to send in this question as a joke, and you took the bait.

Do you know what kind of impression you’re giving off? This makes you look like a bitch.

How old are you? What? You can’t say “I love him.” Heart things? Heart murmurs? Heart attacks? Heart failure? I don’t want that guy to date you because that is the best way you can describe it? Thank god I definitely didn’t answer this question in time. In fact, I didn’t need to answer it at all, but I wanted to make you feel bad because gross. Heart things. Fuck.

And goddamn, it’s fucking “losing” not “loosing”. Buy an iPhone if you’re not going to make the effort.


Why do you hate the local art scene so much?

If you’re talking about my comments towards the Houston Inspired wall, well, I guess you could say I hate the local art scene. It doesn’t inspire me at all.

If you’re talking about the local art scene featuring artists such as Shelby Hohl, Blake Jones, Bret Shirley, Darcy Rosenberger, J Michael Stovall, Sarah Welch, Adrian Landon Brooks, Devin Finch, María-Elisa Heg, Traci Lavois, Eyesore, Beloved, Dual, Austin Smith, Rebecca Cook, and a fuck ton more artists that occupy our fine city, then you’re wrong. I don’t hate the local art scene at all.

Remember, there is a difference between being able to draw well, and being an artist. Bottom line.



Like BADVICE on Facebook!
Follow BADVICE on Instagram!
Want more BADVICE? Read past installments here.