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BADVICE: THREESOME’S A CHARM

BADVICE: THREESOME’S A CHARM
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Leon casino, Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

THREESOME’S A CHARM

Disclaimer: you don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.

 

I MET THIS CUTE GIRL AT THIS BAR THAT WE BOTH FREQUENT BUT I CAN’T REMEMBER HER NAME. ANY ADVICE ON HOW TO DODGE THAT BULLET?

Introduce her to one of your friends. Make sure you’re smoking a cigarette. When you’re about to do the introduction, be sure that you haven’t taken a drag for a second. When you make the intro, say to said girl, “This is my friend Joe.” Immediately after, look at your cigarette and exclaim as if to say it’s time to take a drag. Take said drag; a long one. In that moment, your friend or said girl will fill in the blanks.

If you don’t smoke, take a drink. Doesn’t work as well, but it’ll do.

 

HOW COME NO ONE TELLS ME WHEN MY SHIRT COMES UNBUTTONED? 

Dear Sober Marini who was probably fishing for compliments on Facebook,

No one tells you your shirt is unbuttoned because you have wonderful tits. That’s why you wear all these see-through American Apparel shirts. You need to be honest with yourself. If you saw a chick with wonderful boobs that were exposed due to her buttons unbuttoning, would you tell her? If you say yes, you’re an asshole to society and a liar. If you say no, well, there’s your fucking answer. PS – lunch is in the fridge.

 

MY BOYFRIEND CHEATED ON ME. SHOULD I FUCK HIS BEST FRIEND?

If you want to be as shitty as him, sure. Have at it. Or be shitty another way and find a dude that will emasculate him and fuck his dick instead. Or if you wanna go all out, fuck his dad.

 

FACIAL OR NAW?

Neither. Get it all in her mouth. Look, whatever you do, don’t get it on her sheets because tomorrow isn’t laundry day.

 

HOW DO I GET MY GIRL TO THROW GUSHERS INTO MY MOUTH AS A POST-SEX CELEBRATION? SEX IS COOL AND ALL, BUT I REALLY WANT TO CATCH GUSHERS FROM ACROSS THE ROOM IN POST-COITUS CELEBRATION. SHE NEVER WANTS TO THOUGH, ALWAYS GOING ON ABOUT “CAN YOU PLEASE GET ME A TOWEL TO WIPE MY FACE” OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT…

I thought sex was the real reward. Shouldn’t the vagina on your penis be the grand prize? If you like gushers that much, go back to napping on blue mats and sucking your thumb.

 

MY BOYFRIEND WANTS TO HAVE A THREESOME, BUT… ISN’T THAT HIM JUST WANTING TO FUCK SOMEONE ELSE?

No. What? Nah! But the thing is he probably loves you or something. I mean, if he wanted to fuck someone else he could like a dick head behind your back or he could just dump you. And, for reals, if the trust is there, then it’s okay to be curious. Look, if you’re dating someone, you should be able to explore yourself sexually. Don’t you want to explore your sexuality a little bit? Dude, it doesn’t hurt to eat a little pussy at least once or twice in your lifetime. You might regret not doing it later on.

And ask yourself, haven’t you always wanted to play with two dicks too? Leverage!

Plus, you’ll be like the COOLEST girlfriend.

 

HOW DO I POOP AT WORK? A GUT BOMB IS HIDING IN MY BELLY, HOW AND WHEN DO I GET RID OF IT?

Is this a real question that you’re asking me right now? Just take a shit, you big baby. Wait, you’re not even a big baby because babies will shit whenever wherever because they don’t care. Just do the thing where you put down toilet paper in the toilet so you don’t get the epic splash sound that you wish you were getting then light a match.

 

MY FRIENDS WHO AREN’T REALLY DATING, BUT ARE BASICALLY DATING, ALWAYS FIGHT WHEN WE GO OUT TO THE BAR AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

The real answer is stop hanging out with them.
If this happens all the time, then you’re buying tickets to the show.
It’s not really even a problem if you drove yourself.

 

THIS BITCH I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH IS HOLLERING AT MY FRIEND. HOW SHOULD I TELL HIM TO AVOID HER?

Hold the fucking phone. Did you graduate from high school this year? Because if you didn’t, you’re the bitch. People can change. I’m not who I was when I was 18.

 

WHAT DESIGNS CAN I MAKE USING MY NIPPLE HAIR?

None. Swipe left, amirite?

 

FUCK, MARRY, KILL: THE GHOSTBUSTERS.

Fuck Venkman.
Marry Ray.
Kill Egon.
Bonus - probably give it a go with the chocolate pop.

 

I FEEL LIKE I’VE BEEN DRINKING TOO MUCH AND SINCE I’VE TRIED TO CUT DOWN IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY TIME I SEE MY FRIENDS IT SEEMS LIKE ALL THEY DO IS TRY TO GET ME DRUNK.

It is an official opinion of BADVICE that blaming your friends for you getting drunk:

Is like blaming the college for the philosophy major who talks too much.
Is like blaming the 10,000 spoons for the steak you can’t cut.
Is like blaming the barber with palsy about your shitty haircut.
Is like blaming the beer for not being cold when you don’t pay your electricity.
Is like blaming the gun for killing people.

 

I’M THINKING ABOUT MOVING IN WITH MY GIRLFRIEND BUT I HATE HER ANIMALS. WHAT DO I DO?

Man, until you are at peace with those animals or they DIE, do not move in. I repeat – do not fucking move in. You will just bitch about it later and, unfortunately, you’d be the asshole. You never want to be the asshole. You always want to be right. So be right now. Don’t do that shit.

 

CLICK HERE TO SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION TO BADVICE

 

Want more Badvice? Read past installments here.

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