Marini van Smirren
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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Valeria Pinchuk

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE


Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.


Dear Readers,

Thank you for submitting questions. I love you again.




Craigslist question: My boyfriend has been using craigslist for random hookups behind my back. It’s gross, and kinda pathetic (mainly because these women are fucking haggard). Should I publicly shame him? And if so, do you reccomend a billboard or full page advertisement in a local paper?

Do a billboard for my (and perhaps some readers) pleasure only. If you want to do the full page ad, shoot me an email and I’ll get you set up in Free Press Houston - HEYO.

Also, I’m confused because you refer to him as your boyfriend and not your ex boyfriend.


Dear Marini, I’m seeing this guy that’s really cool. He’s super interesting and our sex is great. He recently told me that although he doesn’t expect me to stop dating around, he isn’t interested in seeing anyone else. This is flattering, and I don’t want to stop seeing him, but I also don’t want to be monogamous yet and am still interested in potentially seeing other people. What are your thoughts on this? Am I being inconsiderate for wanting to sleep with other people?

There is no question here. You said yourself, “he doesn’t expect me to stop dating around…” So.. No. He said he doesn’t want to. That’s cute and sweet and all, and good for you for being awesome to where he doesn’t want to sleep with other people. But unless he says something to you about you not sleeping with other people, you are bound by nothing. So keep whoring about. Get it, babe.

Ask me what to do if he asks you to be monogamous when the day comes, and it will.


sex ed: What’s the best thing to do when you and bae are fucking to Taylor Swift on Spotify and all of a sudden a commercial plays?

Pay for Spotify, it’s only $9.99. Or use Google Music - it’s free and there are no advertisements. Or just remember that true love is being able to nut while a commercial is playing.


Is it cool to mostly eat her because I can’t hold my load? I don’t mean half assed eat her out. I mean take however long it takes to get her there eat her out. Or will I just not ever truly satify a girl because I can’t hold my load? Seriously working on it with all kinds of random techniques blah blah, my junk just doesn’t want to cooperate. So you know, being the eat her out specialist is fine right?

You, sir, are a hero. At least you’re making the effort and not being a selfish prick. I applaud you.

Anyway, maybe try popping one off before you dive in. I’ve heard it helps for dudes. Or get that lube that porn stars use that numbs your dick.


Get someone to stop being fucking creepy. Guy who has a crush on me put a photo of me as his profile pic. I’m in a ltr and hardly ever talk to this person. Wtf.

You can’t change creepy. You have to look out for it. Report him, block him, and maybe stop posting slutty selfies until he backs off.


I recently started hanging out with an old college friend again and I’m crushing on her pretty hard. She’s in a relationship and she lives with her boyfriend, but she hangs out with me one on one a lot and often complains about her him. We even went camping recently and shared a tent. We slept in the same tiny ass tent all cuddly n shit for two nights. I didn’t make any moves because I don’t want to be a home wrecker. Should I just let it be and see if she and her bf break up, or should I be an asshole and make a move?

Have you seen Love Actually? Or Closer? Choose your own adventure.


How do I introduce porn into my relationship? I’m a girl who watches a lot of girl-on-girl or FFM porn. I’m married to a guy that I know watches similar porn. But lately I’ve been wanting to watch it, uh, together, in the biblical sense. He does not know that this is my preferred type of porn, mostly because I’m worried it would damage his fragile ego. How do you think I should approach this? Should I just stick with some vanilla lady-and-dude porn to start?   Side question: do straight girls watch that kind of porn, too? I’m bi so it seems normal to me, for me. Just curious.

Turn it on. Press play.


Sabotaging Liposuction. This dumb ho at my job god liposuction. I hate her since she’s kind of a spoiled cunt. What are your thoughts on me bringing in donuts and brownies and shit every day for the sole purpose of undoing that lipo? Does that make me a terrible person?

If she doesn’t have the willpower to lose weight on her own and needs someone to cut it out, then she’s gonna do it on her own. You don’t need to buy donuts. She will. Buy donuts for yourself to sit on the sidelines and watch the play go down.


Recently a dear friend of mine passed away unexpectedly. Any thoughts on coping with such an unfair loss?

Friends and family, and NOT alcohol. Use alcohol to celebrate their life, not numb the loss.


I am in love with two different people and it’s driving me fucking nuts. I fell in love with a Guy Friend while I was in a serious relationship…

Threesome. And if you want to read the rest of the question:

…I had to stop hanging out with him because it was confusing me so much. But I am STILL in love / infatuated with Guy Friend, 6 mo after last hanging out with him, AND almost 2 years after meeting him. Now I’m forbidden from seeing him because I had a close call and almost cheated, which makes me even more longing (which is just dumb). Am I just a boring retard wishing for fantastical destruction in my current stable relationship or is this Guy Friend who I’m supposed to be in love with??? I am not a cheater but I did fall emotionally for Guy Friend under platonic conditions and miss talking to him. I feel like a liar and it sucks!!!!

Whoops, as I continue to read this, threesome might not work out. Sounds like you’re bored in your current relationship. Stable can be boring. Stir the pot. Take a “break”, pounce on that D and find out whether you’re emotionally AND physically compatible. You’ve got one life, blah blah blah. Stop being complacent and enjoy it.



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Want more Badvice? Read past installments here.