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 Marini van Smirren
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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Valeria Pinchuk

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE


Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.


Dear Readers,

I’m just gonna leave this here…

This shit was late because I’m not getting good questions anymore. Just fake-ass, unimaginative, boring questions.  So please, submit your questions. Eavesdrop on peoples conversations and submit their questions! Shower thought questions? I’ll answer them!

Just don’t make them up anymore. They’re terrible.

Love ,


How to tell your soon-to-be ex-husband you don’t want to be friends. Marini! I’m getting divorced and my “husband” wants to stay friends in spite of being a total asshole. What do I do besides tell him to fuck off?

If it’s anything like a break up (because I don’t know dick about being married), anything you say is going to sound like “fuck you”, so keep your distance. Things for a while are going to be fucking weird, so strap in for that. If you really want to hammer down the nail, do that thing where you stick colored dots on all the things you’re taking in the divorce.


What does it mean when a guy says it’s humbling to be near you because you’re an absolute sweetheart?

It probably means that he wants you to suck his penis. I bet if you don’t, he tells his friends you’re a bitch.


So I discovered I have a light bulb inside my chest. I found out about it when I met someone who makes it light up. There is no way we can be together. What to do now?

What are you Disney, Fern Gully bitch? Be sure to back up all your Disney movies to your hard drive.

Oh, and light bulbs work in different lamps, so just find another one to plug into.


Marry, Kill, Fuck: Mr. Sulu, Dale Waltrip, Jody that guy who fucks the marines’ girlfriends?

Who the fuck is Dale Waltrip and this Jody person?


Should I stay or should I go now? Recently made friends with someone who can be way cool to chill with. Then they turn into a crazy person at the flip of a switch, paranoid, makes out with me, yells when things don’t go their way. Should I stop chillin’ with them, or deal since they can still be pretty fun when they’re not Dr. Jekyle & Mr. Hyde?

What’s the deal with “makes out with me” like you don’t have a choice. You ever heard of no? You’re talking shit about someone you’d probably fuck if you had a chance. The scariest part of this question is that you’re letting someone make out with you. They will turn into the tip of the shitberg in your life.



how to tell you’re an alcoholic  1) when i’m around alcoholics and tell like one bad story they’re all like dur dur durrr you’re definitely an alcoholic. but i’m not so sure. i’m pretty on the fence. do you have any good litmus test not made up by AA or rehab? 2) native americans, mother earth, right-on, yeah i get it, but jesus christ i got a friend who thinks he’s a stand-up comedian and injects how fucking cool the indians were and how shit we are every chance he gets. otherwise cool guy and fun to hang out with. and totally not environmentally conscious. let this keep going or humiliate him? not sure he can take it. 3) maybe it’s time to work on your one-handed backhand? put the shit questions in their own category and shame them. could be funny. roll with that shit. lemonade.

This is yet another example of the public school system failing. Stop huffing paint, you psycho. Send three questions separately. You sound like a robot who just learned English. What a terrible, terrible, terrible series of questions.

Oh, but thanks for the pointer on putting shit questions in their own category.

Alright look, I’m about to be 37. I have tried to be with chicks my age, and even a little older, but damn! Those girls are all either totally nuts or just not attractive to me. I find myself talking to girls, and then thinking “Damn, I have no idea how old this broad is.” Almost invariably she will be 22 - 26. I’m really not trying to just tag young ass. If I wasn’t both attracted to them and genuinely interested in their life and the things they have to say, I wouldn’t bother. So, I guess I just need to know my perceived level of creepiness by the typical human (you) rated on the age of the young lady in question. Please and thank you.

Stop typing like Dane Cook. You sound like a bro. “Tag young ass.” It sounds like you’re trying to fit in. Maybe that’s why you’re only “tagging young ass” because you sound like a fool and the women who are babes, level headed and older are uninterested in you, and those women definitely exist.

Shout out to all the 30+ year old women I know who are fucking bad ass.



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Want more Badvice? Read past installments here.