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 Marini van Smirren
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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Valeria Pinchuk

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

BADVICE: Dirty Dildos in the Dishwaser - V. 19

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.




Where am I supposed to live?  Rents are absolutely outrageous and I don’t know where these landowners expect me to live. I know they ultimately don’t care but why shouldn’t they? I work hard, at least forty hours a week at a locally owned kick ass small business and would love nothing more than a place to make some roots in the neighborhood I love. Rents used to be affordable and ever since which ever jerk it was that let the secret out how awesome Houston is, all these post grads living on credit and a false sense of self have inflated the shit out of the market. I mostly enjoy reading your pieces and wanted to do my part in contributing a question, thanks Badvice!!   

I’m sorry that I have to be the one to tell you this. You should probably sit down for this one…

Tough titties, kiddo. Move to the Eastside and quit bitching about something you’re never going to be able to fix.



I’ve always wondered… What if God was one of us? 

He actually already tried that and WE MURDERED HIM.


So, a group of girlfriends of mine have been sharing a supper club.  We try to get together once a week, smoke some weed, eat some food, drink some wine.  We each rotate hosting and it’s pretty fun, all in all, although one issue popped up recently.  One of the members was telling me a disjointed story via text, and mentioned she runs her sex toys through the dishwasher to clean them.  Which is, like, great if you’re a dildo.  I bet that shit is like a jacuzzi for a dildo.  But for me?  A lady that just ate the shit out of some red beans and rice at her house?  With our friends?  I cannot stop imagining that every dish we ate off of, every spoon, has been up her jimjam.  Every delicious bite of that chocolate cake — might as well have been licked off of the strap-on with which she pegs her husband.   Should I confirm that she runs her toys through the dishwasher solo?  Or just get over it because it’s all clean?  Is it even clean?!  OH GOD HAD SHE BEEN PEGGING HER BOO WITH A DIRTY DILDO?

How badly do you want this answer? A couple things:

  1. Assume that you’re now closer with that friend than you probably ever thought you’d be, because that’s most likely the case.
  2. Dishwashers get to up to around 170 degrees Fahrenheit but heat is only half of the battle when killing bacteria. We have to factor in pressure as well for clean cut answers.

Speaking of clean, how many times have you washed your hands after touching doorknobs today? Is it more or less than the amount of times your bit your cuticles? This is a slippery slope and unless you want to piss in milk jugs like Howard Hughes, just hum a nice song the next time you use her cutlery.


How do I tell my brother his fiancee is a skank that only wants to marry him for his money?  But without sounding like an asshole, I don’t want her to hate me when they inevitably marry this summer. 

At the next family Chili’s meet up (or Cheesecake Factory/ Chuy’s/ Whatever) Find out the one drink where she’s like, “BLANK turns me into to a total slut/ bitch/ naked/ naked-bitch-slut.” Getting her drunk on that is the only thing I can really think of. Your brother isn’t going to listen to you, at best you’ll come off as catty or worse, you won’t be invited to your brothers most definite OPEN BAR wedding. So, if it’s that important to you, egg her on just a bit but you gotta let her do the all work, which might be so naturally easy to her. Use any tool in your bag to turn her into the savage you know she really is… or don’t. I don’t care.


ever had a sex dream about a prophet? mohammed, jesus, elvis? and was it hot? not as crazy a question as you might think. saint teresa was all about it.

This isn’t an AMA. No. I’ve never had a dream about a prophet, so you know, your question is boring, and I’m moving on.


tag team.  two dudes at the same time, marini. which 2 lucky men would make up your dream team? and your nightmare team?

Seriously, this isn’t an AMA. This is BADVICE, as in bad advice. What advice are you getting with me responding to what two guys would be my dream/ nightmare team? Anyway, because asking this question made me think about it, I guess I’ll answer:

Dream Team:

  • Cillian Murphy as a Peaky Blinder. Watch that show and tell me that dudes dick doesn’t get ridiculously rock hard.
  • Spock from the new Star Treks. (Deal with it, die hard Trekkies.) Anyway, mainly the fact that he’s a Vulcan and will know exactly what he needs to do to make my toes curl.

Nightmare Team:

  • My parents in the moment when they had me
  • and you for asking me this question.


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