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BADVICE: EIGHT, NINE, ONETY

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Valeria Pinchuk

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

EIGHT, NINE, ONETY

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.

Dear Readers,

This shit was late because I’m not getting good questions anymore. Just fake-ass, unimaginative, boring questions.  So please, submit your questions. Eavesdrop on peoples conversations and submit their questions! Shower thought questions? I’ll answer them!

Just don’t make them up anymore. They’re terrible.

Love ,
Marini

third eye=boner. when I do third eye meditation i get aroused. am i possessed by a pervert angel?

What? This is some spiritual shit I have no input on. Can you jerk it off? Because then just do that. Who cares if you’re possessed by a perverted angel – fucking roll with that shit. Maybe it’s for them. You could be serving a purpose for said perverted angel. Turn this into a good thing, it’s possible.

I’m a writer and I can’t concentrate on my assignments because I’ve lost touch with the American dream. What can I do to feel inspired again?

Drink. “Write drunk, edit sober.” – Not Ernest Hemingway. Also, learn to really hate people.

I just got home from a long business trip and a bunch of dudes are macking on my wife. It doesn’t seem like she recognizes me. What do I do?

This question is so fake, it’s boring. Maybe someone threw ketamine powder in her eyes and caused temporary blindness, so she can’t see shit. Now you’re making me look like an asshole trying to actually respond to this stupid fake question. Your wife can’t see you because you’re fucking annoying.

Anyway, I guess if this were a real question I’d advise you to beat the dudes at archery, stab them all and then retake the throne of Ithaca.

This girl I know is terrible at art. How can I get her to stop? A friend of a friend likes to post tons of photos of her artwork on instagram and other social media. I get that art is subjective and all but her stuff is super generic and uninspired. What makes it more annoying is it always gets a ton of likes, which only fuels her on. Can you suggest any polite or non-direct ways to get her to tone it down, or at least do something more interesting? I don’t want to hurt her feelings or get in trouble with mutual friends.

Please refer to Badvice: Sloppy Seconds.

My boyfriend’s acting shady. I feel like he’s playing games. He won’t say “I love you,” or anything, why the change?

I mean, obviously the writing is on the wall.

Could it be that he’s at the crib with another lady? If he took it there, first of all, let me say you should not be the one to sit around and be played.

I’ve cheated on everyone I’ve ever been with and am still in love with the one I hurt the most. Is there any chance for me?

Fucking no. There will never be that trust again. You won’t answer your phone one day because you’re legitimately busy and they will go straight to that little dark place in their head and think that you’re fucking someone else. You fucked up, big time. Move on, unless you’re okay not having tight ass, passionate, love-making sex ever again. There are other penis/ vaginas in the sea. Plus, there must have been SOMETHING about them that sucked if you cheated on them.

She went back to her ex after fucking me. Should I slut it up or nun out?

Slut it up. Also feel bad for her for going back to an ex. That shit is fucking pathetic. It’s so pathetic that I don’t get why you’re wringing your hands on what to do about the fact that this boring person left you. Move on and learn to live life based on your actual preferences instead of your rebounds.

CLICK HERE TO SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION TO BADVICE

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Want more Badvice? Read past installments here.

by Marini van Smirren