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BADVICE: Where Did All the Manners Go – V. 20

BADVICE: Where Did All the Manners Go – V. 20
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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Valeria Pinchuk

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

BADVICE: Where Did All the Manners Go – V. 20

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.




I think we were uninvited to a wedding? My boyfriend and I received a save-the-date card for a couple of friends a few months ago, and I excitedly stuck it to the fridge and started thinking about how amazing a Spring wedding will be after this long winter. Cut to what would be less than three months away from the wedding date, my boyfriend mentions, “Oh yeah, A and B are having their wedding in X foreign location now.” What?? No notice or anything! I don’t even think he found out from the bride and groom to be! They straight up picked a date, picked a location, created a guest list, and then sent out printed cards! And then changed their minds? I’m so baffled by this whole situation that it’s even hard for me to describe how and why it’s irked me so badly. I know they were only save-the-dates, but come on! WHERE DID ALL OF THE MANNERS GO, BADVICE?

You didn’t mention if they were close friends, so I’m going to say it’s safe to assume that they’re not. Count your blessings. Weddings are a pain in the ass, and are incredibly boring unless they have a special place in your heart or there is an open bar. So, in turn, there are two things people go to weddings for: crying or getting wasted. If you don’t care about either of these things then you don’t have a problem. If you do, then just go to the wedding anyway, drink if that’s your MO, and if someone really finds it necessary to come up to you and say something, start crying. Then you can have it both ways and they’ll feel like the dicks on their special day.

QUESTION UPDATE: About that save-the-date submis. Got an invite in the mail today, guess I spoke too soon lol. 




I’m trying to think of a question to submit to a weekly online advice column. I’m super stumped at this point and have had it! If you were me, what question would you ask? The author of the weekly column is kind of abrasive, so I’m scared I’ll get a harsh answer that will upset me. Help! Have a blessed day.

I’m trying to think of an answer to reply to a question that was submitted to my weekly online advice column. I’m super stumped at this point and have had it! If you were me, what answer would you give?



if i’ve never kissed someone with a cold sore or had relations with someone who was herp-positive, can i get cold sores on places other than my face, and if so, does that make them actual herpes?

Lol, WebMD dude. Fuck. In the time you asked this question you could have popped it into Google. “Siri, looking for herpes information.” So now guess what you have to do.



how do i know which is the best profile photo for my serious gay-dating website profile? i’m more comfortable with my bod than my face and gay guys are more into looks, but it seems too aggressive to use a shirtless photo, plus i don’t wear tank tops. please don’t say anything about books and covers. 

The one that makes you look as easy and slutty as you are. I’m implying that easy and slutty people are stupid, and you’re an idiot (stupid person) for asking me this question because we all know the answer is to angle that camera and capture all your assets while making your face look decent, in case you didn’t get it.



should i wax my entire body? pros and cons? what’s the upkeep like on something like that.

PROS: You’ll be really good at swimming really fast.

CONS: Tedious, costly, and fucking tedious.



when is the best time to tell my date (who i met online) that i have lied about my age and name? is the end of the first in-person date too late? that’s sort of my comfort zone.

Before the first date is the real answer. But since you’ve surpassed “before the first date”, just ride that shit until they’re eating out of the palm of your hand. Use it to your advantage. Then when they’re least expecting it because they’re so drunk in love (Thank you, Beyoncé), dump it on them to where they can’t say “no”. If whatever you’ve got works, keep working it until it doesn’t work anymore because one day that shit will end anyway.


Spray tans. when are these a good idea?

I think that when you’re dead and have a funeral you should be able to look however you want.



dick picks? of course every relationship is different but you got any rule of thumb on when it’s cool to send dick picks and dick movies to a girl? and if you come up with a viable answer, what do you think about calling that milestone in the relationship the “milebone?” PS I’m gonna miss miss submitting questions like this is an AMA, but, yeah, sorry, I see what you’re saying about the difference between BADVICE and AMA. You’re good at AMA. Ever think about a side career in it?

If your moms a doctor and you have a spot on your penis I think it’s okay to send a picture of it. But whatever girl told you that dick pics are cool is a fucking liar, unless your dick looks like it belongs in porn – then take all the pictures you need and make sure that goes viral.

Pointing a stud finder and saying you “found it” is the equivalent of saying “milebone”.




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