web analytics
 Marini van Smirren
No Comments

BADVICE: $30,000 Montrose Millionaires – V. 21

BADVICE: $30,000 Montrose Millionaires – V. 21
Decrease Font Size Increase Font Size Text Size Print This Page

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Valeria Pinchuk

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

BADVICE: $30,000 Montrose Millionaires – V. 22

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.


how much maintenance is considered high-maintenance in a girl? guys always claim they want a low-maintenance girl, but the reality is that they want a low-maintenance, high-maintenance LOOKING girl. how much do you need to be doing to maintain yourself, anyway?

If a tree puts on makeup in the woods will anyone be annoyed by how long it takes?


Help me out, life coach. Dear Marlina, No one in my life seems to be pointing me in the right direction, my parents are encouraging me to take a full-time job and skip out on college, and all my friends want me to party hard and smoke weed every day. I don’t want to be a loser, but I also don’t want to be one of those $30,000 millionaires who lives in a swanky loft off of Westheimer, or in Midtown, and be a walking douche bag washing out all the pussy I can get in life. Should I learn myself some science and leave everyone behind or should I give in and fall victim to the anti-conformity conforming that I find so many of my close friends getting stuck on? Please help.

Hahahahaha, I don’t know who you know that lives in a swanky loft off of Westheimer or Montrose that only makes $30,000 a year, but they are either trust fund kids, or lying about how much money they make because that doesn’t fucking exist. Have you looked for an apartment in Montrose lately? It’s ridiculous.

If you go to school you can potentially live in a swanky loft off of those streets washing in all the gold-digging pussy you can get. Learn some science.


Is there such a thing as looking too good? Dear Marini, I am a slightly chubby straight male and I am relatively happy with my love life. I have seen 3-4 articles on social media in the past year (mostly from women’s magazines, I think) about women digging “husky” men or “Why Pot-Bellied Men Make Better Lovers” and that’s cool, because myself, I usually like a woman with a little meat on her bones and I think it’s probably true that someone with a healthy appetite in the sack is going to have an appetite and appreciation for other sensual delights as well (such as food). it just makes sense that someone who likes to fuck and suck is probably someone who likes to eat, too, and someone who has discipline and self-control over their diet is…well…never mind. Not judging. That said, I do kind of want to trim up and be a lot healthier, and I’ve been on that diet and exercise tip a bit since new year’s, but now I’m worried that if I start looking “good,” the ladies will dismiss me as some kind of narcissistic, selfish, self-centered dude with great hair. I should just give up, have a cheeseburger, and text my new squeeze instead of all this eating right and exercising bs, huh? Snackless in Sugar Land

Dear Snackless in Sugar Land,

I know some skinny girls who get down on sucking and fucking, so I think your point is invalid. No worries, I understand you were “jus’ sayin’”, just pointing out that maybe you were just fucking the wrong “disciplined” girls.

Anyway, it sounds like you might be a little narcissistic, selfish, and self-centered already, so I wouldn’t worry about that being the turn off if you lose weight. Just be sure you don’t get fat kid syndrome where you shit on everyone because people will probably talk shit about you behind your back.



How to be a better liar?

Often liars will avert their gaze and mumble when lying. Make sure to keep direct eye contact and shout your words, that way your victim will know you are super serious and totally not lying.


Like BADVICE on Facebook!
Follow BADVICE on Instagram!
Want more BADVICE? Read past installments here.