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 Marini van Smirren


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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Shelby Hohl

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

BADVICE: Ditch That Shit – V. 22

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.




How long should you be at a new job before you masturbate in the bathroom at work?

You should have scoped out the scene during your interview. Honestly, you can masturbate anywhere at anytime if you have a phone and a data plan. Just be smart about it and do it in the bathroom – people will just assume you’re a shy-shitter if they come in and you suddenly get quiet - assuming you get quiet because you don’t want to get caught.


My girlfriends vagina stinks. It doesn’t matter if she showers or not. It smells like bad Vietnamese food. She tries to blame me saying I give her yeast infections even though we never have sex. Is this possible? Is it a ph thing? Also she sweats in her sleep and when we wake up in the morning she is soaked and so are the sheets. Gross?

Man, I feel so bad, but I am totally laughing. Yeah, man. That is fucking gross. The sweating in bed part. Buy one of those shop fans and point it at her at night. See if that helps. As for the stinky vagina, just sounds like you need to force feed her pineapples, and yogurt, or pineapple yogurt. Apparently those things help the vagina smell better. If the vagina continues to smell to you, you might just need to find a new vagina to put your face in. There’s a smelly vagina out there that is perfect for you.

Also, if you’re not having sex how is the smell a problem? Or is it that bad? Omg, gross.


Is valentines day a scam invented by money grubbing whores?

Yes. But you can help out locals by buying their cards, art, chocolates, and make it matter. I recommend Space Montrose for cute ass local shit.


Yo Marini, how do I make hipsters think I’m one of them? I just got the last remaining efficiency in Montrose for less than $600/mo., I’m accumulating tattoos, I’m learning mixology and I wear infinity scarfs and drink at all the cool bars. I’m even using vague, overdrawn phrases whose point could be made with something shorter, but much more common! Regardless of all of these steps I’ve taken, it seems like I never know the right album, drink the right craft beer, or read the right blogs. I fear the hipsters of the Inner Loop can smell the suburbia on me! Can they?

You sound like a fucking douche bag. They can’t smell the surburbia on you, they can smell the douche bag on you. Anyway, if you really want to be a real hipster, I hear they are all moving to midtown and getting jobs in oil.


Play on? I have a couple men who frequent my love life. They usually take turns. 😉 Turns out, that advice about having one too many is true. I’m not sure if I should keep juggling or decide on one. or should I just clear out the barn and start over? - because obviously no one has taken it to the house where I would actually want to commit. Ps. This was kinda a humblebrag, but that wasn’t the original intention. Xo

Do not, I REPEAT, do not give that up. You can make having more than one work. You need to maintain your situation. It sounds like you’re about having some fun right now. So, wear that shit out until you’re just exhausted from it and then think about finding one to settle with. Until then, make sure the dick is wrapped and use your better judgment, but don’t give it up.


how do you know when it’s over? I’m not properly punctuating or capitalizing. If auto correct doesn’t fix it then it’s gonna be broke. Anyway, how do you know when it’s time to leave a relationship? I’ve been with said person for years. We have those little creatures that run around after living inside you for months on end. We get along but we don’t do it very much. And it’s because I just don’t want to. Is that a sign? Also, sometimes I find myself feeling like I could be here or somewhere else. Anyway, I don’t know. My spouse is great but are we just going with the motions? Should I evacuate? But not in a hateful way. I don’t know. Maybe we just need to go on vacation. Having fun always sparks it back up. Sincerely, Me.

Yeah. Sounds like you’re fucking bored. Try going on vacation with a friend. Not your SO. Get a fucking break from the nag and hope that sparks that “absence makes the heart grow fonder” flame. If it doesn’t, fucking bounce. You’re just gonna come back to this problem later on. Might as well fast forward and find some other genitals to touch.


Selfies. What do you think about girls who post selfies and then caption it with things like “need a shower” … “just rolled out of bed” … “that no hair do, do”. Basically calling themselves ugly and the picture looks photo shopped it’s so flawless. Why do these people find the need to fish for compliments so hard? Why can’t they just post the picture and be done with it? Why’s is gotta be a huge insecure production piggybacked on the hope of 9,000 compliments? WHY!

Yeah, it’s fucking annoying.

Advice to girls who take selfies saying they didn’t try at all – everyone knows that’s bullshit, you realize that, right? We know that you just took 20 fucking photos finding your best angle. Maybe you did just get out of bed, but I’m sure that light wasn’t on when you took the photo, and I bet your cheeks weren’t that pink until you pinched them till your eyes got a little watery. We know what the fuck is up. Might as well start owning up to that shit now. I bet you’d get more likes for honesty.


So… Once a cheater, always a cheater

Ditch that shit like you ditch an unwanted prom baby.
Ditch that shit like you ditch a date with bad breath.
Ditch that shit like you ditch a used rubber after unsatisfying sex.
Ditch that shit like you ditch your neighbor’s girlfriend’s birthday party in your shared backyard.



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  • NoWayJose

    FPH is like people that tried writing for Vice, and were denied, then tried for some reputable magazine, then just gave up and came here… 3rd string…

    • ForThePeople

      Dude, WTF are you???! Free Press contributes GREATLY to awareness of many happenings in the Houston culture. WTH do you do to contribute to our public besides posting opinionated garbage on social media revealing how pathetic your life must be??! It’s obvious that you have something against Free Press, all I’ve seen of your comments are words with no merit nor purpose. Become an active citizen instead of being a couch potato with Cheeto fingers and a hand down your pants, Al Bundy. #GoSuckOnALemon

      • NoWayJose

        lol shut it down crybaby, how many articles have you seen me respond to free press on? it’s just 3rd rate junk overall. People who want to be ‘edgy’ like Vice was and come off as ignorant. just like you nerd.

      • NoWayJose

        i like how you started your account to reply to me..you must really want these cheeto hands down your pants. uh oh! i didn’t mean to “trigger” you. Better go get on tumblr and rant and rave about priviledge now.

    • SuperHappyFamilyFunGuy

      Vice blows self hating aardvarks.

      • NoWayJose

        so this only makes it worse…