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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Austin Smith

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.



Your thoughts on Internet dating sites?? Give it a go, or waste of time? I’ve always been pretty anti-Internet dating, but lately I’ve been thinking that maybe I’m being too close-minded (except for Tinder, I can’t bring myself to be that materialistic). I’m pretty social and outgoing, but I’m also not good at asking dudes out nor am I coming across awesome guys I can throw game at. Advice?

Internet dating is a lazy way of meeting new people but we do everything else on the internet so why not find someone to fuck on the reg that way?  Worst case scenario you have a lot of bad sex and acquire a new stalker and stalking is the new chivalry. Just remember - if you’re going to tap it, wrap it. STDS ARE FOREVER.

Is there ever a point of keeping it too “Htine”?

No. But keeping “Htine” doesn’t mean being a fucking idiot who promotes drinking drank, wears purple and cheers when the Rockets score. Keeping it “Htine” means hustling and coming through. If you’re going to rep Clutch City, you better be someone who is worth repping it.

Why does this column still exist?

Because I still have a login to the website and can post shit whenever I want. HEYO.

I woke up from a dream this morning and I think I might be a pedophile. In my dream, I was 15 years old and my family had moved into a duplex next to another family that had a 13-year-old daughter. She showed me a removable panel that we shared between our bedroom closets. She was very precocious and we did things. Am I normal?

One time in a dream I battled the oldest daughter of an alien race to save humanity. I won. Does that make me a savior? The difference between my dream and yours is you shouldn’t talk about it.

I have a boss with no attention span. He’s constantly on his phone, or talking over you when you have something really important to express (especially when it would benefit him).  A lot of times, his personal life bleeds over into the work setting. This causes him to take out these stresses on our team. I understand he’s got a lot on his plate, but it’s so disheartening that the very people who toil over his grand design end up with the chaos of his misplaced disapproval.  What would you do in this situation?

If your boss is getting shit done aka hustling, I would quit bitching, grow some thick skin, and not take it personally, or find a new job.

how do I get my booty call to be my bf?

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him date you. Short of doctoring a pregnancy test, I got nothing.

I want to date a guy, but I want him to be an intersectional feminist who understands white privilege and strong dislikes the patriarchy like myself. Where can I find him?

I don’t know where you can find him, but I suggest sticking a dildo on a mirror and fucking it because that’s probably the closest you’ll get to fucking someone like yourself.

If there is a god it’s totally a woman right?

If god was a woman, everyone would be passive aggressive and say they’re “fine” all the time when they’re not.

This guy I’ve been fucking and sucking for a year now is a little bitch…he got mad because I was didn’t tell him I was about to start my period before I jumped on his cock? I mean can’t a girl get hers?

A girl can get hers and still respect the cock. Letting a guy stick his dick in you without telling him you’re menstruating is like a guy blowing his load in your face with out asking first, or at least hinting it’s about to happen. So, if you don’t get mad at him when he does that, I guess he shouldn’t be getting mad at your for bleeding all over his penis.

What are some good games to play at party?   Games for small or large parties?

For large parties, if you have an air mattress, you can play “orgy”. Only an air mattress though so you don’t have to look at it afterwards and remember your filth, and you don’t have to flip it when it’s soaked in cum.

Best type of red wine? And what do you pair with it?

Franzia paired with Devin Finch.



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