Marini van Smirren
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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Shelby Hohl

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.




Itsmy wiwife’s birthday and we really would like to
Have a threesome but we are not from Houston andshe can be shy at times and its mMonday any idea thanks

From the way this question is posed, I’m going to say that Craigslist is a good start for you. Your question is basically word for word from any Craigslist ad found in any city.



I was wondering. I’ve lived on this earth for over three decades, and I realized I’m not sure if I’m washing my balls correctly. I mean, I wash them, and they seem clean enough, but I don’t recall ever receiving any instructions and I do figure it’s important to know how do do these sorts of things. Follow-up question: how should I wash my vagina? My friends tell me I don’t know what words mean.

Guess you and your daddy played that game of Hide & Seek and you never found him because that sounds like some shit maybe your dad should have taught you.

If your balls stink, dust them down with some baby powder. That’s what white girls do when their hair is gross and greasy, so I bet it will work on your balls.


What would be a cool job for a mom (I’m young ish) that doesn’t involve having to wake up at 530 AM every morning? Something that would allow me to sleep until about 8 (that’s late for us parent folk) and wear whatever I wanted, like shorts and leggings and comfy t-shirts. Being a stay at home mom would drive me nuts. I need more in my life than constantly waiting on and catering to a little person who wants everything I didn’t just give her. So that takes out restaurants and customer service in general. Is there a work from home job that
exists that doesn’t require me to start from the ground up? No, I don’t want to sell scentsy or whatever else people sell, Mary Kay, sex toys or Tupperware. I hate this 9-5 life. It doesn’t even start at nine. THEY LIED!!

Oh but I need to make decent money. You know, cause I have a kid and bills and a house and a car, cell phone, a stomach that requires me to eat, etc. I also want to get my hair did every now and again and that also requires money. Is there a money tree? Can I invent that? Would it even be real money if I invented that? Ok, ok, I’m drifting off course… see above (and beyond the tree) for the question, not this stupid money tree that will never be a thing because we live in the real world and not imaginary land where I am a single 20 something
who’s biggest responsibility is brushing my teeth. I miss those days. Hahha

Probably should have thought a little harder about what you wanted in your life before letting a guy creampie you.


I think I can sort of control my sinus pressure with my thoughts. Like middle of forehead down to ear specially on right side. U think I’m full of shit? Not like tesla electricity from air but sort of, actually no just like that. I AM tesla. Sober in case u gon say I’m high. Marini.

Congratulations. You have an absolutely useless talent that won’t contribute at all to society in the slightest. How about you use the brainpower that you controls your sinus pressure with your thoughts and apply it to something worthwhile.


I am pretty sure I found a homemade sex tape staring one of my friends on the internet… I’m about 85% sure its her. How do I alert her to this? We are not super good friends and it would be a weird thing to bring up, I think. I saw the face in the thumbnail and was like holy shit . . . I think thats “girls name”. Turns out its posted as an incest fantasy porn. . . so. . .what do I do?

I’m 85% sure they would remember doing incest porn and 100% sure they don’t want a reminder.

Yo, so my ex, of 5 years, broke up with me to fuck other guy around the world. she recently came back and told me she still had feeling for me and wanted to make it work. My question is what is the best way to show that I’m a petty asshole and embarrass her?

If you want to embarrass a girl, embarrass her publicly. So, get back together with her, take her out to meet up with all your mutual friends and casually bring up in conversation that her pussy stinks.

“It has been so hot lately. I can’t get over this weather.”

“Yeah, you know when you walk past a dumpster on a hot day and it just fucking stinks? Imagine what it’s like walking around with Girlfriend and her pussy on a hot day.”

But wouldn’t you rather get revenge? Because the best way to get revenge is to get over her and to be totally cool about it and it’s super beneficial for you too.

I am not gay but I have a gay friend who will not stop flirting with me. When he gets drunk, he tries to get me to do gay stuff. What do I do to make him stop hitting on me?

My advice to you is to just suck his dick once. Just don’t suck his dick too well - use a little teeth. Most people “want what they can’t have” and if you handle the biz one time, he will likely be over it.

My bad if that doesn’t work.


ok, so i’m objectively afraid of rejection. my life has been almost completely paralyzed into a state of inaction based upon my fear that others will see what i’m doing and entirely disassociate themselves from me and reject me as a human being. because ayahuasca seems to be out of the question in my foreseeable future, what should i do?

You should join the fucking club. Almost everyone is in it. Once you’ve realized everyone is in the club, maybe you won’t be such a pussy and do whatever it is you want to do without the fear of what others will think of you.


I’ve been sitting in the bathroom at work for 10 min now. There are lots of people waiting for me. I should quit this place because I obviously don’t like it here, right?

Yeah. Or see a doctor because there might be something seriously wrong with you. Not trying to freak you out, but WebMD says it’s probably cancer.


Why do i feel that im exploiting the indians anytime i drink a Topo Chico?

I have no idea because that shit is made in Mexico.


So what are the rules with watching porn on an airplane. They have wifi now and I think it’d be fun. I mean I’m not going to just whip out my cock or anything and I definitely dont want my carnal videos in the view of any innocent adolescents. So is it okay? Should I ask my neighbors first? I think my neighbor is reading this as I’m on the airplane right now. Please help, I need answers.

I mean, the general rule with porn is “don’t watch it in public”. But if you’re going to just set that aside, try watching one with a story line and just act casual, like you didn’t know. Or watch Hentai because no one is going to look over your shoulder at that shit (unless you’re on a plane to Japan) and everyone will just think you’re a total dork.

But really, what’s the point of watching porn if you’re not going to rub your dick about it?


To the girl sitting next to me on this airplane who has been reading what im writing, would you like to grab my cock and just stroke it ever so softly until we get to our destination? iThe lights are dim and i dont think anyone would notice…

Did she touch it?


So with all this #blacklivesmatter and #alllivesmatter hokie pokie going on, when will people finally realize that #nolivesmatter and drown themselves in a tub of regurgitated beef jerky? #enditall #youwereneverworthit #justsuckonthatcoldsteel

#TooSoon #EducateYourself #YouSoundLikeAnIdiot #AshamedYouReadMyColumn


So at what point do you just go, FUCK IT, I’ve made enough money, time to check myself into rehab…

Robert Downey Jr - $220 Million

Charlie Sheen - $125 Million

Ke$ha - $40 Million

Zac Efron - $18 Million

Selena Gomez - $16 Million

Lindsay Lohan - $500,000

Gary Busey - Bankrupt






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