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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Valeria Pinchuk

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE


Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.


Hey, I’m pretty sure you’re the one….Should I move to Texas for you? I mean..Bucky’s is cool..but oil companies suck.

No. But you could move to Houston for its rad music scene, friendly locals, and access to every type of cuisine imaginable. But probably not, we’ve got enough shitty cracker-box townhomes springing up around town as it is.

PS - It’s spelled Buc-ee’s.


In a long distance relationship, and he’s needy. What should I do?  I’m in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of 4 months. Sometimes he gets busy and misses phone calls and text messages, whatever that’s fine. But when I miss them it’s a fucking shit show. He’ll text, send me snaps, send me messages on facebook, etc. And then once I actually reply, he doesn’t. It pisses me off, what should I do?

Wait, a four-month-old long-distance relationship with a clingy guy that uses Snapchat? Did you lose a bet or something? Drop the headache and blame it on roaming charges. You don’t even get to fuck the guy you’re annoyed with.


Star wars or star trek? if you say star trek, we are no longer friends.

Star Trek. This is BADVICE, not 20 Questions. Fuck you.



how do i tell my friend to stop trying to finger my butt hole when i bend over, i tend to not wear underwear and the next time she does i might have to rape her

Dude, it was one time! I’m sorry! Maybe you shouldn’t be wearing a short ass dress without any underwear on. You could just make that rape a reality, minus the part where it’s actually rape because rape isn’t fucking cool.



i ate pussy like once and it made me gag. am i like straight or did i eat the wrong pussy?

You probably ate the wrong pussy. There is pussy in this world that is like sweet, honey nectar. Do you like plums? Okay, well sometimes you get a plum that isn’t sweet and kind of hard, and sometimes you get a plum that is ripe and sweet juices gush out as you bite into it. It’s the same for pussy. Maybe don’t eat out your best friend when you’re drunk. You can’t try it once and make your decision off of that.







Everytime I finish reading a new installment of Badvice, I have to eat pussy. I just fucking need to dive face first into my lover’s cunt, I have to wash my face and tongue in it and all over it. Have you heard from friends or other fans of this column that your bad advice compels them to immediately eat pussy? Also, what advice can you give me for when she says no? Should I take it personally? Who turns down free head?

Every time is actually two words. They’re probably turning you down for not using spell check. Buy a dictionary or a phone that will fucking sort out your shitty texts for you. Maybe your breath is really bad and she’s afraid of getting a UTI.



How to stop fucking up in college?  So basically I never had to try in high school because I went to public school and I was intelligent. Now in my third semester of college I’m starting to doubt my intelligence because of how much I keep fucking myself by procrastinating. It doesn’t help that I’ve moved into a really cool place with a ton of interesting people and illicit distractions… Plus I think I hate my major what am I to do?

Drop out. Seriously. It sounds like you aren’t ready for college. Lots of people aren’t at first. There’s no shame in taking some time off to figure out what you’re doing with your life. You could spend all of that time figuring out which major might be right for you, or more importantly how to convince your friend to let you finger his (or her) asshole on the reg. Don’t be one of those assholes who wastes their parents’ money.



I’ve been at my new job for almost three months, and I honestly hate it. I wanted to pursue and excel in something new, yet I absolutely hate it. there’s no structure, and the workplace is dictated by gossip and awful politics. I’m conflicted because I’ve never been one to just give up and throw in the towel. I’m trying to be mature and professional, and patient and stick it out.. but this place is wearing on me. I still want the experience, and to not let anybody down.. yet this is really wearing on me. do you think it’s too soon for me to just say screw it? the workplace is going through a major remodeling, and we’ve been assured that things will be much better when it’s done,.. so I wonder if that is putting a damper on everyone’s mood and the way they act. help a brother out! thanks:-)

Good god man, it’s a job, not a plate of vegetables. You don’t have to sit at the table until they’re all gone. No one’s going to confiscate your certificate of maturity simply because you don’t want to work somewhere that makes you miserable.

Readers, this is what happens when you don’t drop out of college.



So, my girlfriend moved out about a month ago. It’s a drag and whatever, but I’m trying really hard to not be a pussy about it. Does it make me shallow to think that as soon as I tag some strange I’ll be over it? I mean, I’d rather be in a serious relationship, but I can’t really remember what a different vagina feels like, and I really think that simple thing would help me out a lot.

I’m all about tagging strange, especially when you’re feeling low. Whatever. Just be safe about it. Sex really is a simple thing that people turn into a drag by tacking on unrealistic expectations of commitment. Make the situation clear at the get go to avoid this. So, find a vagina and remind yourself what it feels like (velvety amazingness) and don’t rebound with the girl. For the love of god! Do not fucking rebound!


I don’t know what to be for halloween. Any ideas for a girl?

Well, you’ll probably end up being a whore, so I say sit this one out. Halloween is for the kids, man. And if you still want to look like a whore and party with your friends, please, use Uber or Lyft or Yellow Cab.



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Want more Badvice? Read past installments here.