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 Marini van Smirren
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Illustration by Valeria Pinchuk

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE


Lulu is a crappy app that allows females to rate men they’ve fucked/dated/had a platonic relationship with, aka “Yelp for Men.” These questions are asked by nearby men and are known as “Truth Bombs”. SO IF YOU THINK THESE QUESTIONS SUCK, MAYBE YOU SHOULD SUBMIT SOME.

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.


I’m 8 & ½ inches long, and 5 & ½ inches in girth. Too big or just right?

Lol, I can make up numbers too.


What do you think of guys that own pocket pussies?

Whatever, dude. I mean, I have a vibrator. How would that be fair if I fuck plastic, but you can’t? Also, maybe you’re prominent with your right hand and lost it in some freak accident and jerking your D with your left hand just doesn’t cut it. In that case, there is nothing that can say owning a pocket pussy is wrong.


If you came with a warning label, what would it say?

“Product sold as is.”

[Ed. Note: More like, “Caution: Contents may be extremely hot.”]


What are some good ice breakers? I have a rough time opening up when talking to girls.

If you like your typical female, ask her questions about her life. She’ll love talking about herself. The script for this is:

“What do you do?” (Either school or a job. If she doesn’t do shit, excuse yourself to get a drink and never come back.)
If it’s school, ask her what she studies.
If it’s a job, ask her what she does.
Then ask other lame questions and act super interested.

Also, mind you, this works great if you’re just trying to put your penis in her but not trying to set expectations.

If it’s actually a cool chick, just be yourself. She’ll let you know forthright if she’s interested or not.


Do women like guys shaved or trimmed?

I mean trimmed is tight. No girl wants to blow a dude and floss her teeth at the same time. Shaved… well… it can be tight but if she really likes you she’ll realize that shaving means you’re uncomfortable for a week after and she won’t encourage it because she won’t want you to go through that itchy hell. If she does encourage it, she’s an awful, selfish person and you should reconsider dating her.


Kissing in the morning. Brush teeth first or nah?

It depends on how much you like her and maybe how much she likes you. Because if you really like someone, you won’t care. Unless the breath is so bad because of their rotting teeth and you’re getting UTI’s from it; then you should initiate with a swig of Listerine.


Random girl I’ve never met or seen added me to social media. Why would a girl do that?

To be just so cool and have all the friends, or because she likes you. What kind of girls are you hanging out with? Does she seem like a shallow bitch? If she does, she added you because social status is important. If she doesn’t seem shallow, she might be into you. Or maybe you guys have mutual friends so it’s the polite thing to do.

It really boils down to what kind of girls you’re hanging out with. If you can’t figure it out, I hope she’s shallow and you’re still warming up your pocket pussy.


If you were a guy for a day, what would you do?

I would put a dildo up my butt and jerk my dick because why not? I would want a big dick though. Can you pick what size peeeeen you have? I think that’s a variable I would need to know.

That’s it. I would just jerk off all… day… looooooong.


Why do women go to the bathroom together?

Usually to talk about you, especially if it’s like a thing between you guys. The friend will either encourage her sleeping with you or make fun of the shit you’re doing. Remember, the best way to a girl’s pussy is through her friends, unless she’s a real bish and doesn’t give a two fucks about what her friends say because she can make her own opinions.


Do girls find it attractive when a guy claims pussy is being thrown at him left and right?

Fucking nope.


High sex / drunk sex?

Druuuuuuunk. Or Amyl Nitrate high sex, heyo.


I’ve got a 13” tongue & I can breathe through my ears.

You sound like a sci-fi species I want to fuck with.




Want more Badvice? Read past installments here.