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 Marini van Smirren
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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE


Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.



Dear all you lovely readers,
Please submit more questions. Do we need to make it easier to submit? Do you have any feedback about it? If so, let me know by shooting an email to marini@freepresshouston.com.
Love always,


Soooo… I ditched a party to have a coke-fueled orgy on 4/20 and now three different people won’t stop texting me trying to hit it again. Did I fuck up or was this the best decision of my life??

I mean, I think you made a good decision. Not necessarily the best decision of your life (maybe so far) but hopefully not the best one ever. You’re gonna be able to look back in time and say you did something pretty “kinky” (since I’m too stoned to think of another word) and I think it’s good to get that shit out of your system.

As for the people hollering at you, just block their numbers. It’s 2024. You can easily do that shit now.


So, serious question. I wore a Saari to prom and I got hella bashed on Twitter after posting pictures of it. Was that fucked up of me, a person who is NOT apart of Desi culture, to wear their traditional dress?

If you’re in high school, the people on Twitters problems, as well as your own problems, aren’t real problems.


I got a great job offer in oklahoma. My wife refuses to go. We have 2 kids and I don’t want to leave them. I guess I’m not taking that job unless I can convince my wife that we should move for this. Got any hail mary plays for this situation? That is, how am I gonna convince her to move?

Do you like tornados? Plains? “OOOOk-lahoma, where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain.” Oklahoma, where the WIND comes sweepin’ down the PLAIN. Because that’s all there is in Oklahoma obviously. Just read the lyrics to that song.

Anyway, unless you can make lots of money, why the fuck would you want to live in Oklahoma? And how much money do you really need to have? You don’t have to have champagne and spaghetti every night for dinner, sir. You can pop some Vietnasandwiches in your fams face for less than $10.


So Ive been dating this dude for almost a year now and he obviously doesnt feel as strongly about me as I do about him. Plus I have a few pretty good guys that pretty much love the shit out of me and worship the ground I walk on. What my question is, am I like some fuckin idiot for staying with a dude that I love that doesnt love me back? Should I stick it out and hope for the best? or peace out and move on to new ventures? Honestly, Im fucking confused.

Why do you say that? Because they don’t do the same shit you do? OR maybe because they don’t do the same shit you do you now have equated it the same? How about fuck you? How about people love in different ways and maybe it’s not all about what you fucking want. Maybe it’s about learning to appreciate love in different people instead of the little way that you think it should, you fucking princess. Unless the person was like, “You know what, I don’t love you as much as you love me. Thought you should know. Have a great Monday morning.” As long as that didn’t happen, this is conjecture. And if that’s the kind of world you live in, you probably suck anyway. Good! I hope that guy doesn’t love you as much because you sound like you suck.


I tend to buy drinks for friends when I’m out at my favorite bar because I hate to drink alone. Unfortunately, my bar tab has gotten kind of out of hand and now I owe about $24K. Should I start a fundraiser to help pay it off or should I own that shit and realize I drink too much?

Here’s what you do: Get another credit card and get parts to build a time machine. Then go back into time. It’s as easy to fix this problem, as it is to make this problem. Just tell them you were drunk. This is the most logical move you can make.

I hear that the Libyan terrorists have plutonium and are willing to sell it. Meet them in the mall parking lot.


can i submit anonymously

Yes. Is that not clear enough? For easy peasy question asking, follow this link: http://bit.ly/1EisdqP





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