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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Shelby Hohl

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE


Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.




I have been working part time jobs and am getting older everyday.. I want to start a career at something that will sustain my life with my new wife and hopefully a new baby soon. What can a guy with no college degrees but a full resume of many different talents and skill sets hope for in the future? I need help

Start using all your money to buy lotto tickets. There is more of a chance of you winning the lottery than there is of you doing shit with your life if you think that a college degree is what separates you from those with a career and succeeding in life. I know a lot of losers with college degrees. They’re broke and don’t do shit.

Maneuvering Montrose Musicians. I want to have a good working relationship with a popular local musician but he keeps hitting on me. He thinks he’s god’s gift to women and I’m just not interested. What should I do? 

HAHAHA, I really want to know who this is. I don’t even care about the question. You know what you should do? You should put him on blast so we can all laugh and point. What a punk ass bitch.
Note to guys who think they’re God’s gift to women - you’re not, and the reason you’re not is because you actually think you are.

Why is my aloe vera dying?

Because it’s bored living in your apartment and disappointed that you asked the question to an advice column that is called BADvice instead of googling for the answer. Anyway, it’s supposed to help cuts, so try cutting yourself.

Wreck Shop, Sweet Dreams.  The bathroom in my new digs is attached to the bedroom, and because it was the best place for it, I had to put the bed pretty close to the bathroom door.  When I get up in the morning to pee (and inevitably fart which makes a sound like a whale clearing it’s blowhole), I always feel self-conscious for whomever is in my bed.  What is the best way to mask toilet tunes?  Or should I just let that fly and then when I crawl back in bed be all, “Did you hear that sweet music I just made for you?” Thanks, morning toots in midtown

How fucking moist are your farts, Great Blue?
Spread your cheeks and hold toilet paper to your asshole while the water is running. This will reduce the flatulence noise that everyone makes but is embarrassed about. In my opinion, anything that happens in the bathroom is to be ignored. Good people block out those sounds because we all make them. GOOD PEOPLE LET IT GO.

Have a Good Trip Again?  I’ve had a string of bad mushroom trips, but for reasons I don’t really want to go into here, I still want to keep tripping.  Any tips for ensuring a good trip?  My last trip involved me rocking, gently sobbing, hating myself for about 4 hours.  In my bedroom, while other people were tripping and having a great time in the vicinity.

If you’re going to take hallucinogens, I recommend that everything in your life is OKAY. Doesn’t have to be great, doesn’t have to be bad, just OKAY. Also don’t fuck around with what you want to do. If you don’t want to go somewhere, don’t go. If you don’t want to be around people, don’t be around people. Pick the theme of your night and roll with it. Make a playlist of your jams. Remember, if you leave a lot up to chance, you run the risk of something shitty happening. Control that environment. #REALvice

How to almost overdose?  Want to get up close to that line, girl, feel that rush, but not go over it. What’s the secret? Embrace the trip, yeah yeah. But I’m talking preemptive, honey. Setting. What do you have to say?

IF you can figure out how to kind of get into a car crash, you can figure out how to kind of try to almost overdose. See how fun that is.

My girlfriend is a sociopath but she is stunning beautiful and a nymphomaniac, what do I do?

What’s so different about this than normal? An attractive person that is vain? At least you’re getting sex out of it. Just plan accordingly to where you’re only around her when sex is involved. Do you know how many dudes out there are putting up with sociopaths that are “aight” and don’t give it up? You’re doing fine. You’re doing better than fine.

How to deal with a flaky gal pal - ditch or stay? (ranty post)”:  I’ve been friends with this girl for ~ 3-1/2 years and she has spent the last year flaking out constantly at every social event (personal and group) I invite her to.  It pisses me off.  Be an adult, show up when you say you will.  Do you pay bills?  Are you a grown ass adult?  How long do you give a person like this to get their fucking act together and stop bullshitting me?  I basically called her out on her flakiness (which is defined by saying you can come, and then reneging last minute), even told her it “hurt my feelings” and the response has been this gutless silence.  What wasted honesty.  Here’s the pattern with this girl: you meet, become really close friends for about 2yrs, but then she finds a guy and suddenly she’s always too busy (this has happened before i found out).  Do I just sever the friendship b/c it angers me or should I be “more understanding”?  Am I being an overly attached or controlling friend for being mad?  I can’t judge a person for wanting to get some, but my resolution to this whole thing is to stop making girlfriends my own age b/c they don’t fucking act like adults.  Women in their 20’s are the shittiest friends.  I am one, but this is what I have to say to women in their 20’s: stop trying to show how existential you are by dating a new man every year, falling in and out of love like a basket case.  I’m sorry that you’re having this existential crisis with the idea of commitment/babies/marriage, but GET OVER IT and stop swinging between erasing your friends for The New Boyfriend and being the Suddenly Single Available Fri! end.  Have some self-resolve for chrissakes

Jesus Christ. God, I would flake out on you too. First of all don’t put advice in your advice question on my advice column. Get your own column. Also, you sound like you’re terribly single, probably because you’re so demanding and selfish. Sorry that your friend is getting laid more than you are, but there is no reason to trip out on them.




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