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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Valeria Pinchuk

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE


Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.


Humdrum prolonged eye contact, what does it mean? If a girl won’t break eye contact, but isn’t really flirty about it, what’s up? just some matter-of-fact eyelock, like always. gives me boner.

Sounds like her parents taught her a thing or two about manners. Eye contact is normal for people who don’t look at their phones the entire time you’re talking. Chill out. She’s just respectful. Put your boner away; tuck that shit back into your basketball shorts.


Is it cool to pop this pimple on my face while I’m at work?  It’s driving me crazy and I can feel it throbbing with the cadence of my screeches at subordinates.  That’s cool, right?  I don’t handle food at work.  Seemed pertinent.

Pop the fucking pimple. Who gives a fuck? There’s should be no one at your job you’re trying to fuck and if there is, you shouldn’t be trying to fuck anyone you’re working with because that’s just bad news. Don’t be a fool. Don’t shit where you eat. Plus, you have a pimple on your face so no one is gonna fuck you.


How do I know when to have a baby? My husband and I dated for seven years and have been married for a year now. When he’s drunk he says he’s ready for a baby but when he’s sober he says he isn’t. How do I know which it is? 

Alcohol is truth serum. So ruin his life and take the plunge. Suggest him cream-pie-ing you when he’s drunk. Then maybe he’ll think twice about being a total wastoid after that. He’s not gonna have a choice with a kid in the picture. (Well, if he’s not a loser he won’t.)


So… would you let them thangs breathe while enjoying the Tuesday special from Popeye’s while getting ya booty softly touched?? meal would be free by the way.

I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about and I don’t think you do either. Lay off the drank and get a job.


Not feel anxious in social settings? I generally feel super anxious in social settings and really uncomfortable. Once I start talking to someone about a real subject I’m fine but all of the chit chat and bullshit before makes me a wreck. I used to solve this by drinking a lot of booze but I need to chill with that. What should I do?

Stop caring about what people think of you. I hate to say it, but it’s the truth. If people don’t like what you’re talking about, then whatever. Or pop a Xanax and don’t give up on drinking.


How do I get my ex girlfriend, who’s now a lesbian, to talk to me? Not trying to change her back. Just wanna be friends again.

It’s okay. I love you. Just let her do her thing. If you meant something to her, she’ll come around when she’s ready. And if you didn’t, then there’s no point in wasting your time trying to make things be cool between y’all, ya know? It’s hard to hear, and it’s probably harder to hear in a BADVICE response, but it’s the truth. What’s that super cheese ball thing people say? “Time heals all wounds.” It resonates because it’s true. I love you. So do a ton of other people. That’s all that should matter to you.

If this isn’t Tim, the same rules apply.


How come people like such shitty restaurants? All these “nice” restaurants that use terrible quality ingredients…  

It’s only cool to care about what ingredients you’re eating when you’re over the age of 25. So maybe stop hanging out with people who are under that age unless you are, then stop giving a shit about people who like shitty food. Let them live their life.


What’s the best way to incorporate food into sex?

Start off super adorable saying shit like, “you’re the cheese to macaroni.” Then when they think it’s all-cute, bring a thing of cheesy macaroni to the bedroom and act surprised when they’re grossed out. Then be like, “but tuna goes so well with mac and cheese.” This is terrible advice. Maybe just don’t give an option and just do it. Then do sad puppy dog eyes when they’re weirded out. Should work. Maybe don’t start with macaroni either. Maybe start with like chocolate, whipped cream and strawberries. Or maybe just leave the food in the kitchen where it belongs.




Want more Badvice? Read past installments here.