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 Marini van Smirren
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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Shelby Hohl

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.



Why does my boyfriend always want to be on the bottom when we 69?

Is this question even real? You’re talking about a Devil’s Six-six-sixty-nine. It’s not like he just used a loofa; you just came from a bar. You literally have the smelliest part of his sweaty body smacking you in the face… IN THE EYES. Take this moment to think about the logistics of this move and then think about the question you just asked.


I was dating this girl for a couple months. I thought we got along well and asked her to officially be my girlfriend. Everything seemed fine, and then one day she just called it off. Nothing happened. I wasn’t “in love” but I really liked her and wanted it to work out. Anyway, I guess what I’m asking is how do I forget about my ex-girlfriend?

Watch ANY movie.


I’m looking to spice things up with my girlfriend. Any good rough sex tips?

Cut up a fuck ton of habaneros and fingerbang your girlfriend. Literally spicy and fuuuuuuucking rough.


I know this is probably the wrong place to ask this, but why do all the gifs on my computer not have sound? It’s so frustrating!

Because those are called videos.


i love your article. So everytime I get blackout drunk I fall asleep either in bushes or under stairs, i think recently i might have fallen asleep and been invaded my fleas. i have soo much lice already i was wondering if my fleas will attack my lice, the lice have been with me longer so i feel like they should have a home more, the lice and crabs never fight so they are good… have you ever had both fleas and lice? I dont want to start shit because im in the middle. one more question!! do you fuck with Bitcoin? can I take you out on a bitcoin date? ill Bit… i will delouse..

You should consider not getting black out drunk anymore and looking into doing something productive with your life because being imaginative and funny is not working out for you.

Also, you’re fucking infested with bugs. Take a fucking shower. You’re disgusting.


Hi, im still inlove with my ex, we still hook up almost daily but he dumped me a few weeks ago. im sure you know all this. i dont really have a question, i think im just pathetic.

The fact that you think you’re pathetic yet still won’t do anything about it should make you not think, but KNOW that you’re pathetic. So hey, from me to you, you are pathetic. Stop fucking your ex. You guys broke up for a reason. Feel bad about yourself every time you do the walk of shame from his apartment. Stop using your vagina as bait for your relationship trap. It’s not gonna work. You need treat your vagina with the upmost respect. Get a wax, air it out, tickle your clit a little, and then (as always) find some strange and you’ll stop that bullshit real quick.


I can’t get this guy to go away. I even texted another guy while he was eating me out and he still wants to be with me. How do I just get him to go the fuck away?

Compare his penis size to small things. He’ll quickly not want anything to do with you again. It’s that easy, girl.


I recently fell in love with a man, who I have realized, has an “intoxication” problem. I use “intoxication” not because I am a qualified medical expert, but because when you nod off, droll on yourself in public and spend your next morning apologizing, I think one has a problem with their levels of intoxication. Anyway, it’s embarrassing, plus gives me such intense levels of anxiety, that recently I called it quits on the whole thing. Even though I think he’s the shit, even though (almost) everything else is totally rad between us. Question(s): do addicts recover? Can I trust that he’ll ever get his shit together and keep loving him? Should we just be friends and find love/ partnership elsewhere?

I noticed that you left out an option. You could just start up your own “intoxication” problem. Get fucked up, pass out when you’re with him and make him responsible for you drooling on yourself in public. If he sticks it out with you and makes it work, it’s because he actually loves you. Unlike you saying you love him but leaving him because of drugs.

Did Courtney Love leave Kurt Cobain? No. Look at how well that worked out.


I’m thinking about switching over to wax permanently rather than smoking weed. Thoughts?

Well, good luck doing that and being a person too.




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