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 Marini van Smirren
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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Shelby Hohl

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE


Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.




I was recently dumped by my girlfriend. We had been together for a year. Everything was peaches and cream, I mean shit happened but we always loved one another, and then suddenly it was as if some kind of switch was flipped. One day we’re having a great time, things are their normal peachy selves, etc etc. Then the next day she says she doesn’t feel anything for me anymore. Granted, the days were not actually consecutive, apparently she had been “taking time off” (we hadn’t seen each other for a week) between each checkpoint, though I was under the impression she was just busy with work. Anyways, she says things between us had gotten too friend-y. The next week I accidentally-on-purpose find out she’s hooking up with this guy I introduced her to, whom I had considered a part-time friend (and who is now a full-time prick). This has led me to question the extent to which she valued our relationship (who moves on that quickly??), and the trust I placed in her. Yes, she is a good human overall, and she didn’t intend to hurt me because shit, if the heart wants what it wants I can’t control that. However, I feel I have been manipulated in a way by both parties, partly because I’ve been used in the past, but mostly because I’m very upset about the way shit went down and! snowballed. But me and her were best friends, something I value highly in a relationship, and she wants to continue to be friends. Which brings me to my question. Should I cautiously pursue a friendship or not? And if I did pursue one would I be disrespecting myself? Also, if his face were to come within reasonable striking distance, should I punch it?

You want to be best friends with a girl that cheated on you, you gross bowl of unflavored oatmeal? Grow a dick and be friends with someone who fucking respects you, you wet blanket. Self respect. Have a little.


Why would she do that? When we broke up, my ex had no tattoos. Last night, she texted me a photo of her new boyfriend’s name tattooed on her lower back. How should I feel?

You should feel like you dodged a fucking bullet because that is some crazy-ass, un-thought-through shit that only damaged girls do. Omg, they met and fell so instantly in love that she got a tattoo of his name? To be honest, I hope he dumps her and she feels like a total asshole. And when he does, make sure you don’t pick up the pieces. She’s not your mess anymore.


i have sleep paralysis and its super scary. have you ever dealt with sleep paralysis/give me bad advice about sleep paralysis?

I have never dealt with sleep paralysis, but the idea of it scares the shit out of me. I guess my bad advice would be to take a bunch of melatonin and a hit of acid. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a fucking bad time to me.


What is “love?” I am dating someone who loves to say ”I love you” like 75 times a day. Why is that a problem — I should feel grateful and blessed, right? Well, it’s a problem because it feels like emotional extortion to me. I feel like I’m being coerced, bullied, compelled, and pressured into saying ”I love you” back. But I should be stoked, right? Except I’m not. I feel like my lover is cheapening these words just saying them by rote. And what do you say in response to those three words? ”Thank you?” No! You can’t say ”Thank you,” or ”Mmhm,” or ”See you later then!” after someone says ”I love you,” you pretty much have to say ”I love you” back or you’re a jerk. But isn’t the person who is cheapening these words by just hurling them around haphazard willy-nilly the real jerk here? Don’t get me wrong, I am “in touch with my feelings” and I am not the kind of person who has any trouble saying these words — when the situation calls for it! I just don’t think that a phone call verifying that I’ll pick up the dry cleaning on my way home calls for an exchange of ”I love you-s.” It feels downright aggressive, Marini! It feels like a challenge, like a throwing of the gauntlet — a ”glove slap,” if you will — like, “There, I said it. Now the ball is in your court. Will you cower and bend to my will or do you dare to refuse to say it back?” What ever happened to the good old days when bands like Xtreme shared pithy wisdom in songs like ”More Than Words?” I guess my real question is — isn’t it high time for a butt-rock revival?

Getting your advice from eighties songs is fucking dull. That was the worse period in music history. Anyway, how often are you talking on the phone? It’s not like they’re saying, “Hey, I love you. How was your day? I love you. Did you get my, I love you, message about picking up the, I love you, dog?” I mean, yes, I agree that saying I love you over and over again seem like it’s cheapening the value of the words, but that sounds like something you might need to work through. Sounds like she’s just trying to let you know.

You don’t appreciate the love that she has for you. Maybe you’re a dick.

Would you rather hear that every time you got off the phone?

“You’re a dick.”

I didn’t think so.

Also, you don’t have to say it back. If she flips her shit about you not saying it back, hit me up again because that’s a different story.


I’ve been dropping hints to my bf that I need more random oral sex with no immediate returns. Like an unexpected blowie in the kitchen, start to finish. I have dropped a few hints but he’s not getting it. My question is, how do I tell that it’s part of a healthy relationship to have regular blow jobs and passionate sex separately, without being offensive or unappreciative?

Are you randomly blowing him in the kitchen from start to finish? I think that’s a good place to start. You’ve gotta give a little, to getta little.


does liking pegging make me gay?

Are you thinking about getting fucked by a dude when it’s happening, because I’m pretty sure that’s what makes you gay; not just being in touch with your body and knowing that you like getting your prostate poked. Unless, of course, you mean gay, as in lighthearted and carefree because that’s how you feel when getting pegged, then yes. Pegging makes you gay.


how safe is it to meet people on Craigslist in Houston?

If you are meeting people on Craigslist to buy a couch or gaming system, it’s not too bad. Use good judgment. Meet them in a public place. Bring cash.

If you’re talking about meeting people on Craigslist to fuck, it’s probably not very fucking safe at all. Old perverts use Craigslist to hook up because they don’t know how to work their way through the Internet. Use Tinder, Grindr, or OKCupid to get your privates played with, and even then use good judgment, meet them in a public place, and bring cash.



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