iZombie Valentine by Chris Simms of the-isb.com

By: Dr. Absinthe

Valentine’s Day is almost upon us. Meaning that shortly we’ll have a three month reprieve before the next onslaught of having to prove our love through sappy cards, flowers, jewelry, and cheap chocolate. Seriously though, give me 70 percent cocoa dark chocolate or get out of my face.  Now it may sound like I hate Valentine’s Day, and I do. But in my defense, I hate all commercialized holidays and about 85 percent of all things fun. However, I do enjoy spending a day (or more, seriously people, don’t let this be the one day a year you do this) to celebrate love for the friends, family, and relationships in your life.

So in that vein, here are some thoughts on how to show that special someone(s) in your life your love for them. Or at least show them that they make your genitalia tingle. Whatever works. If it so happens your single this coming Tuesday, never fear. Very few of these suggestions require a significant other.  If money is tight this February, then spend very little, if any, money. In the immortal words of Jennifer Lopez (said with a straight face) “love don’t cost a thing.” Have a potluck dinner with friends, paying no attention to who’s coupled and who isn’t. Get a pack of cheesy kids Valentines, or print out e-cards on the company dime, and pass them out to friends and family or the strangers at the bar you end up drinking alone at.

If sex is your thing then re-purpose items already in your home for a more memorable night. Neckties, scarves, and belts make obvious choices for bondage, just make sure to know your knots aren’t too tight and always have a pair of scissors on hand for a quick escape if needed. You can also co-opt random things from the kitchen, garage, or elsewhere for some impromptu sensation or pain play with your partner. If that doesn’t interest you or the tips are already old hat, then spend the night sharing and acting out fantasies with your partner(s). Or try something new in bed that you or your partner) has always been curious about.

On the other hand, if you do have the ability to splurge, then consider buying a new toy for yourself or a partner. Support small, creative businesses in your sexing or role playing needs. If you and your partner don’t need any more material objects, then consider showing some love to the greater community by making a few donations this holiday.  Regardless of what you do or what your relationship status is come Tuesday, make sure you take the time to be kind to yourself and the people you care about in your life. There is more than one way to love and more than one way to show love. Find what works for you.

Personal Business 1: It should perhaps be noted that I have not been paid to endorse any of the products or websites listed. For future reference, however, I would certainly not turn down any fun things that came my way. For review purposes, of course.

Personal Business 2: It has come to my attention that some people believe Alex Wukman is Dr. Absinthe. Come on, the dude’s not even a doctor! Due to this egregious error, you can now send all hate mail directly to me through facebook or email. If you have any questions (even made up ones!) or ideas on what you want the Free Press’s resident pervert to write about, I’d love to hear those too.

As always Dr. Absinthe is not really a doctor, nor is she a drink. And she is most definitely not Alex Wukman. Although he will take an offer of a free drink from a doctor.