This Saturday, Houston’s beloved Wild Moccasins kick-off another tour at Fitzgerald’s with LIMB.  No doubt people will be dancing and having a great time, the place will be packed, and it’s almost guaranteed that someone out there is gonna get laid thanks to the the band’s intoxicating upbeat indie-pop.

Yet, as popular as the Moccasins are and as highly anticipated as this show might be, this in no way affects our journalistic duty of asking the hard questions here at Free Press Houston .  Yes, for while many publications would be content with a mere puff piece, we here are the FPH ascribe to a higher standard of journalism, one that plays no favorites and serves no higher purpose than that of the Truth.  What follows is an extensive interrogation of Moccasins chanteuse, Zahira Gutierrez, that came about after months of investigative journalism.    The unrelenting and hard questioning may shock many and Zahira’s responses may alienate some aquatic Scottish fans but that is the burden of our profession for as Thomas Jefferson once said “Our liberty cannot be guarded but by the freedom of the press.”  Yes, sometimes the job is hard but, remember folks, your liberty is in our hands.

FPH - First Question.   It’s late at night and you want to eat a bowl of cereal while watching the Colbert Report but your cereal is too crunchy and you can’t hear the TV. You don’t want to crank up the TV because of the neighbors and you don’t want to wait until the the cereal gets mushy. What do you do?

Zahira: I invite all of my neighbors and we have a “Watch the Colbert Report and eat crunchy cereal rager” party, so that I can crank it up.

FPH - God feels like messing with you and he says, “OK, it’s up to you, I’m gonna wipe out either Unicorns or Loch Ness Monsters.” Which do you choose?

Zahira: Probably the Loch Ness monster because the other day I walked up to some girl scouts outside of an establishment and asked to purchase some caramel delights. Then the girl scout turned into the Loch Ness monster so I said “Loch Ness monster! What do you want from me?” and the Loch Ness monster looked me dead in the eye and said “Ima need about tree fitty” Hmph. He ain’t getting shit from me.

FPH - Is replacing an “S” with a “$” over with and if so, what is next?

Zahira:I hope it$ not over with! How el$e can any of u$ remain “with it”?

FPH: OK, I’m giving you have a $500 budget and the Skymall catalog. Your assignment - build me an awesome bong. Go!

Zahira: Try it out of this thing:

and afterwards play with this thing:

and make sure to catch the man spying on you from your roof.

FPH: What is your position on Monkey Hookers?

Zahira: Well, I say they’re pretty smart if they still get paid for doing nothin’. I’d hate getting stuck with one of those.

FPH:- Who is the sexiest and why? Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-il, or Kim Jong-un.

Zahira: Kim Jong-un for his impetuous youth.

FPH: If mosquitoes were blood sucking powdered donuts would they be less annoying?

Zahira: Definitely more annoying with all that loose powder flying around.

FPH - What is your favorite Paleozoic Era - Cambrian, Ordovician, Silurian, Devonian, Carboniferous, or Permian?

Zahira: I would have to say the Cambrian era for producing the most intense burst of evolution ever known!!! Isn’t it exciting??!

Saturday, May 5th 2024
Wild Moccasins Tour Kick-Off with Limb @ Fitzgerald’s (2706 White Oak Dr.)
9pm,  $5, ALL AGES